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I need sleeeep…

So way back the social worker I used to see mentioned that when I was manic they could give me pills to help me sleep.

I stopped taking my anti-psychotic mid-July, and since then I haven’t slept properly at all. Thank you yet again Seroquel, you have done nothing but fuck with me…

I have the odd night where I get a great night’s sleep, but it’s rare, maybe once every three weeks. For the most part when I can get to sleep it’s not a lovely peaceful deep sleep, I wake often and as soon as I wake I am WIDE AWAKE for half an hour or so. And, after five hours at most, I can sleep no more.

For some reason when I’m hypomanic, manic or mixed I get really energetic and wide awake in the evening, about 8.30pm onwards. The closer it gets to ‘bedtime’ the more and more awake I get.

I can spend a day feeling drained and tired, but come night time I am bouncing off the walls. I am full of energy, ready to start projects and go on big hikes / busy days…unfortunately my partner needs sleep and all the shops are shut. Fuck you world.

I’ve always been ‘easily nocturnal’, since I was about fourteen. I find it much easier to go to bed at 4am and sleep most the day, then be awake and active at night. I always have, but when my mood’s ‘off’ the actual sleeping part gets even harder.

My partner’s trying to get me to go to my (very supportive) GP. He says my mood’s all out of whack and she might be able to help me sleep. I am fighting him ferociously; I’m not seeing any professionals and I don’t want them to give me yet another shitty med that doesn’t work.

Keep telling myself I’m fine as my anxiety peaks and my paranoia spikes. Keep telling myself I’m fine as I sneak out the house whilst my partner’s busy in the garden, and all my head can think about is a plan to finish it all.

I’m fine.

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When moods are a mixed bag

Anon here. I used to chart my moods, and they would be easy(ish) to make sense of…a week or two manic, a month depressed; very up and down but clear cut.

Sure we struggled to identify the exact time a mood episode began (don’t most people?) and with the manic episodes especially we only realised what was happening when they got severe…but especially when the episode got severe, or once it was over, we could identify whether it had been mania / depression, and often even work out the trigger(s).

I don’t know what my moods are doing anymore. Sometimes I still get the obvious ones…I had a depressive episode a few months back and it was easy to recognise as it progressed: no energy, sleeping 12+ hours a night, feeling like I wanted to give up and was worthless etc.

But then I have these episodes like now…and I can’t figure it out. Even when I write out the things I’m experiencing it doesn’t make sense

  • Sleep is greatly reduced and broken; the closer to stable I am I usually sleep 9 – 10 hours a night, now I’m getting 6 hours in bed with significant time awake in amongst
  • I get triggered into feeling like the world has ended very easily…not suicidal, but panicky and trapped and desperate
  • A short period of time afterwards (10 mins – an hour) I am ‘over’ whatever happened, or I have thought of a way to push past the issue
  • I get irritated so *so* quickly…one tiny thing happens and I’m ready to smash my possessions or rage at my partner…wtf?!
  • Wanting to spend way more ‘intimate’ time with my partner (sorry)
  • Constant anxiety about everything
  • Visual hallucinations…faces, people stood in the house…but I’m not severely manic so I don’t understand how this is happening >__<
  • Paranoia, but nowhere near as bad as it can be…just the usual underlying niggle of ‘I am being spied on by [insert person / group of people here]’

It’s a stressful time at the moment, and I keep going from thinking I’m coping well and things are going good…to, when something happens, thinking that things will never be okay and everything is terrible.

When I am feeling optimistic, I’m easily brought way back down. Take my dogs for example, I’ll be thinking we’ve made some fantastic progress with training and then someone will make a comment about something they do on a video / photos and I’ll just…crash.

Even if I know lots of progress has been made since the video they’ve referenced, it will ruin me.

I feel lost 😥