When moods are a mixed bag

Anon here. I used to chart my moods, and they would be easy(ish) to make sense of…a week or two manic, a month depressed; very up and down but clear cut.

Sure we struggled to identify the exact time a mood episode began (don’t most people?) and with the manic episodes especially we only realised what was happening when they got severe…but especially when the episode got severe, or once it was over, we could identify whether it had been mania / depression, and often even work out the trigger(s).

I don’t know what my moods are doing anymore. Sometimes I still get the obvious ones…I had a depressive episode a few months back and it was easy to recognise as it progressed: no energy, sleeping 12+ hours a night, feeling like I wanted to give up and was worthless etc.

But then I have these episodes like now…and I can’t figure it out. Even when I write out the things I’m experiencing it doesn’t make sense

  • Sleep is greatly reduced and broken; the closer to stable I am I usually sleep 9 – 10 hours a night, now I’m getting 6 hours in bed with significant time awake in amongst
  • I get triggered into feeling like the world has ended very easily…not suicidal, but panicky and trapped and desperate
  • A short period of time afterwards (10 mins – an hour) I am ‘over’ whatever happened, or I have thought of a way to push past the issue
  • I get irritated so *so* quickly…one tiny thing happens and I’m ready to smash my possessions or rage at my partner…wtf?!
  • Wanting to spend way more ‘intimate’ time with my partner (sorry)
  • Constant anxiety about everything
  • Visual hallucinations…faces, people stood in the house…but I’m not severely manic so I don’t understand how this is happening >__<
  • Paranoia, but nowhere near as bad as it can be…just the usual underlying niggle of ‘I am being spied on by [insert person / group of people here]’

It’s a stressful time at the moment, and I keep going from thinking I’m coping well and things are going good…to, when something happens, thinking that things will never be okay and everything is terrible.

When I am feeling optimistic, I’m easily brought way back down. Take my dogs for example, I’ll be thinking we’ve made some fantastic progress with training and then someone will make a comment about something they do on a video / photos and I’ll just…crash.

Even if I know lots of progress has been made since the video they’ve referenced, it will ruin me.

I feel lost 😥


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