I need sleeeep…

So way back the social worker I used to see mentioned that when I was manic they could give me pills to help me sleep.

I stopped taking my anti-psychotic mid-July, and since then I haven’t slept properly at all. Thank you yet again Seroquel, you have done nothing but fuck with me…

I have the odd night where I get a great night’s sleep, but it’s rare, maybe once every three weeks. For the most part when I can get to sleep it’s not a lovely peaceful deep sleep, I wake often and as soon as I wake I am WIDE AWAKE for half an hour or so. And, after five hours at most, I can sleep no more.

For some reason when I’m hypomanic, manic or mixed I get really energetic and wide awake in the evening, about 8.30pm onwards. The closer it gets to ‘bedtime’ the more and more awake I get.

I can spend a day feeling drained and tired, but come night time I am bouncing off the walls. I am full of energy, ready to start projects and go on big hikes / busy days…unfortunately my partner needs sleep and all the shops are shut. Fuck you world.

I’ve always been ‘easily nocturnal’, since I was about fourteen. I find it much easier to go to bed at 4am and sleep most the day, then be awake and active at night. I always have, but when my mood’s ‘off’ the actual sleeping part gets even harder.

My partner’s trying to get me to go to my (very supportive) GP. He says my mood’s all out of whack and she might be able to help me sleep. I am fighting him ferociously; I’m not seeing any professionals and I don’t want them to give me yet another shitty med that doesn’t work.

Keep telling myself I’m fine as my anxiety peaks and my paranoia spikes. Keep telling myself I’m fine as I sneak out the house whilst my partner’s busy in the garden, and all my head can think about is a plan to finish it all.

I’m fine.

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