We were talking to a professional once and something we said made them ask, “What, your moods can change that quickly?” I think it was that my partner / carer doesn’t like me going out longer than an hour or so on my own unless I am 100% stable, as my mood can get worse very quickly and if I felt terrible I wouldn’t keep myself safe.
The professional we were seeing put on a fake-incredulous face, and asked (voice dripping with over-exaggerated disbelief): “What, your mood can change that quickly?”
We were both totally stressed and flustered at the appointment already, and stumbled about trying to explain ourselves whilst feeling like fools. It was very clear her intention was to make us look like idiots.
Even though that appointment was probably close to a year ago, I still get annoyed when I think about it.
Yes, my moods can change that quickly. Yes, sometimes it seems to be instantaneous.
No, I can’t predict when my mood’s gonna change, normally there are no clues at all. And no, there’s not always an obvious trigger. Fuck you.
The last week has been rickety, but only in the way that has become our new ‘normal’…irritability, lack of sleep, anxiety, anger and psychosis.
Today I woke up and feel like I am in the deepest depression I can ever imagine. We had a wonderful day yesterday, but for some reason today my mood has hit rock bottom.
I am angry and bitter and tearful (or would be if I could ever cry) and sad and lonely and desperate and miserable as sin.
The idea of suicide flickers constantly in my mind and I’d do it, too.
I’ve told my partner if things aren’t better by Christmas I’m ‘allowed’ to kill myself. I’m tired of things being utterly shit, and the thought of a Christmas ruined by depression is…well, depressing.
My partner will keep me ‘safe’, because that’s what he does. I don’t want to be safe, I want this to stop.