When being ill becomes the new normal

It’s 2.45am and I have to be up early-ish tomorrow >__<

My sleep still absolutely sucks. I just don’t get tired anymore, and when I finally get to sleep I wake often in the night and sleep poorly.

Hallucinations are terrible, and I am constantly twitchy, alert and panicky. I frequently demand “can you see that?!” “do you hear people?!” because I can’t trust what I can see or hear anymore…it’s horrible, it’s absolutely horrible, and it SUCKS.

Paranoia is horrendous. I know people are spying on me, people are talking about me and the roadworks & electrical repairs outside the house make the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I am not comfortable with them.

My partner phoned up our GP surgery last week and spoke to a receptionist there, because he’s decided we need help NOW and my old (really awesome) GP left.

He said the receptionist was lovely, which is a first, and she said it’s important I find a Dr I feel safe with. She recommended ‘my’ new GP because he’s ”modern” and ”gentle”.

I won’t meet with him though. I can’t, and he won’t be able to help anyway. My partner won’t let me bumble along on my own though, he wants help for us so he’s arranged a phone appointment to talk to the new GP this week, as at the moment the GP is on paternity leave.

I don’t want this.

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