I’ve updated the layout of this blog today.
I added two more pages to the bar at the top, above this post, with a lot of information on them. No doubt some people will disagree with the things I’ve said, and a lot of it is based on my experiences and opinions, but hopefully some will find it helpful.
Whenever I’m feeling panicky or suicidal I try and sink my teeth into something that will distract me. When I’m struggling with overwhelming anxiety I can usually do things that could be considered productive, like the new pages. When I’m feeling suicidal I do anything that will hold my focus and keep my calm, but I don’t have the attention to do something ‘proper’.
*trigger warning for suicide*
I remember from the ages of 14 – 16 it felt like I was constantly fighting suicidal thoughts. I would stay up all night until 5am, battling through the darkness. I’d draw out the things I was visualising in my head, knives and nooses and pills. I’d write out lyrics to songs based on memory, count up to a hundred over and over again until the page was filled with numbers. I’d do anything to keep myself alive.
That’s something a lot of people don’t understand about feeling suicidal…often, even when you have suicidal thoughts, you still don’t want to die. You just don’t want to live anymore.
You just want all this hurt to stop.
My teenage years are dotted with over a dozen suicide attempts…the time I wedged a dressing gown cord between the door and the frame and hung myself, only to have it fall down and bash my head on the floor, giving me a black eye. The time at the New Year’s party when I was sixteen and swallowed all the pills in the house, and a friend didn’t know whether to call an ambulance or not. The time I swallowed a cocktail of various spirits and pills, woke up over 12 hours later and spent several days vomiting, wondering whether I was going to die.
Still, think of all the days I got through, all the days I survived.