Is it worse when it gets better?

Anon here…come to warble again. You can tell I’m doing better because I’m back to warbling!

My anxiety’s terrible at the moment and is having a huge impact on day-to-day things.

We had our first night of serious frost when we took the dog for a walk last night. Everywhere was covered in a thick, beautiful, layer of frost. Puddles were frozen solid and cars looked like they were dusted with icing sugar.

None of the pavements or roads had been gritted, and I spent the entire hour we were out doing my best to stay calm and fight the terror in my head that told me my partner was going to fall and seriously injure himself, or I’d slip and dislocate my knee again.

I started doing my steps and touches…tapping certain things I passed 3 – 9 times, walking on individual curbs / pavement flags and avoiding cracks for a certain number of steps, standing on twigs and litter in certain ways…I used to do these obsessively when I left the house, I’d get a headache when outside from doing them so much, but when we brought a puppy home in August my focus was on him and my confidence shot up. When walking him I didn’t do them at all, and even dog-free they were far, far reduced.

The ice brought it all back with a bang.

On the walk I was constantly counting and tapping, whilst at the same time repeatedly reminding my partner to “be careful – it’s slippy”, and also trying to listen to what he said and reply like a normal person as if my thoughts weren’t gripped by terror…

My health anxiety is also through the roof. With every day that passes I see me and my partner as being one day older, one day closer to becoming ill with a serious physical condition…I’m constantly thinking about how we’ll cope when we’re old or ill. I’m twenty-six and already freaking out over what we’ll do if we end up in a nursing home and the staff separate us, or how my partner would cope if we were in our 80’s and I died and left him alone.

Whenever I’m reminded of something that happened in the past (eg. I started walking to my parents house alone after school when I was 14) I work out how many years ago it was, then get terrified that that far into the future one of us will be ill, or dying.

There’s still instant fear every time I hallucinate, because y’know it’s SCARY, and now I’m freaking myself out by thinking that the more I freak out over the hallucinations the lower my mood’s gonna get and I’m gonna find myself right back crying, feeling suicidal and stuck in total darkness.

There’s panic, dread and fear everywhere I turn. I thought it was going, I thought I was getting better, why is it coming back?

I think back to how I was struggling just a few weeks back, to how it felt, and I’m *so* scared of feeling like that again.

It’s been just over a month since my partner forced me to the GP, and the GP sent off an urgent referral for a psych appt. We haven’t heard anything, which is a relief. I feel nauseous any time I think of a psych appt. My partner wants to call the GP and hurry it along, but the last appt affected me so badly I don’t want to go through another…and what if the stress of a looming appt sent me down again?

Plus my mental state is most definitely better than it was then…I can think and make sense for one thing. There’s no saying I can’t get better on my own.

I’m scared of Christmas, and all it brings. All the family gatherings…I suck in social situations. I don’t want any of it to trigger the severe depression again. I don’t want to ruin Christmas.

I’m not suicidal, at all, yet I find myself contemplating how it would be if I died, and if people would be better off.

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3 thoughts on “Is it worse when it gets better?

  1. I used to be convinced people around me would be better off if I were dead. I’m glad I’m passed that point and now have other issues I am dealing with. It never ends once you get passed one thing there’s the next thing that comes up but I will tell you it get’s easier. You learn to deal with things quicker but it is ongoing. I look at it this way no one is perfect. Everyone has their own set of troubles from birth. We all face them and we all have to deal with them in the best way for us which can require quite a large assortment of solutions. I’ve been trying to document my positive moments using this blog. I think it will help me organize my thoughts. I just have to work on consistency.

    Like

    • Thank you 🙂 I’m hoping for a little consistency with my illness soon…if I know what to expect I think it will be easier to manage and keep track of! At the moment every time I think we understand it it seems to evolve and completely take us by surprise..

      Liked by 1 person

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