Something that I’m struggling with at the moment is showing those I *really* love (Gog) that I love them.
When I’m stable / happy I’m very loving…I don’t like saying “I love you” constantly, I try and save it for when I really really mean it (which is the complete opposite of Gog), but I’m hella affectionate. I like to be close, to cuddle, to play games together and really enjoy spending time with him.
And then there’s all the time I’m not stable, which is…well…all the time.
When I’m manic I’m very forgetful about being affectionate. There’s too much going on in my head and I can’t sit still long enough to hug anyone – I have to be on the go and thinking up new ideas all the time. If Gog tries to cuddle me I’m liable to squirm, shove him away or (depending on how irritable I am) fly into a rage.
And then there’s when I’m in a depressive episode. I might find it easier to act loving towards him to begin with, but I also take everything out on him. I HATE this about me.
Whenever anything goes wrong I twist it and blame him, and if he does the slightest thing to annoy me I have a go at him…I don’t scream or yell, but I can be incredibly hurtful. I HATE IT.
As a depressive episode gets worse I find it harder and harder to communicate. Sometimes I will sit and stare at walls for hours, doing nothing, and when Gog tries to talk to me or involve me in something else I can’t. I’m literally stuck. I’m broken.
Usually when I’m low all my interactions with Gog are negative, even though I adore him. It’s not until he’s asleep or out on a dog walk that I really begin think about how much I love him, and how horrible I am to him, and then I sit in floods of tears and think how much I despise myself.
Other times I can’t talk, so am unable to tell him how grateful I am or how much I love him…it’s like as a teenager when I was really struggling and wouldn’t talk for days at a time. It was just too hard. It got to the point where teachers at school would find different ways to take the register or ask me questions without me answering verbally!
Sometimes when I’m struggling to talk I have things in my head that I really wish I could verbalise…things that could help lift my mood (eg. putting music on or cuddling our guinea pig) or that I would find helpful to talk about. But I can’t.
I just can’t speak. The words are locked inside and I can’t find a way to get them out…it’s like my body refuses to let me help itself.
We’ve tried ways to get around this.
We found a free programme online where you can type in a box and it will read the words aloud. Sometimes I’m able to write things in notebooks and have my partner read them. Sometimes I draw the words letter by letter in the air with my finger, or other times it’s like charades and I’ll act them out.
But most times I can’t communicate, I’m stuck. If I try reach for a notebook and pen, so I can write what I need, my body won’t co-operate. I physically can’t do it and we can’t find a way around it.
It feels stupid, it IS stupid, and I feel pathetic…but it still happens.
I have never loved anyone as much as I love my partner.
He is the most wonderful person you can imagine, and he tries so damn hard. I want to tell him how thankful I am that he loves me so much, and how lucky I am that he cares. I want to tell him I adore him and couldn’t live without him. I want to make him feel as important as he really is.
I want to do little things for him; cook him a meal, help out more around the house, but it’s so bloody hard when just dragging myself out of bed feels like climbing a mountain.
I need to do more.
Why is it so easy to be nasty to the people you love most?
I’ve never really known how to handle the rage or the hurt I feel in episodes. It always used to be long walks on my own or, more commonly, self-harm. I don’t fall back on that so much now, and I can’t go on long walks alone because it’s not safe…walking with someone else just isn’t the same, I end up talking to them and trying to be ‘normal’ instead of pondering.
Writing things out doesn’t help, doing something creative makes me feel worse, and reading / playing games doesn’t work either. When I’m feeling totally hateful I need something physical to get it out…punching walls, walking, banging my head against a wall.
I need to buy a punchbag…