I’m so tired of feeling like this.
My mood is following a distressing pattern at the moment. I feel low, I feel lower, I feel lowest. I cry hysterically, am overwhelmed with anxiety, and accept the fact I am going to commit suicide. I plan it, think about it, am terrified by it.
Then after this utter breakdown the next day I feel better. I have a day or maybe even two where I feel okay, feel good even, and then the blackness returns. My mood drops over a week or two and I hit rock bottom again.
Relentless depression and desperation.
About a week ago was the first time in months, if not years, that I thought I was actually going to kill myself. I had this horrible realisation that I was at the point where I would plan and go through the act. I was hit with a wave of terror for Gog who I would be leaving behind.
Normally when I have thoughts of suicide I want the pain to stop. Sometimes, after weeks of suicidal thoughts, I might impulsively act on them…but it isn’t normally planned, it’s a spur of the moment ”grab whatever’s available and end the agony” type thing.
So it was scary to sit there with tears pouring down my face and carefully, numbly, think through details on how best to kill myself…What date should I kill myself on? How would I get away from Gog? Would I leave a note; if so what would I say? It’s a terrifying thing to plan, but sometimes there are no options left and you don’t have the strength to carry on.
Yesterday was a good day; there was laughter and love. Today, for absolutely no reason, I am back to feeling hopeless whilst suicidal thoughts swirl around my head.
Please do not tell me things will get better, I don’t think it would be helpful right now.
I have battled suicidal urges for over fifteen years, since I was a young child. My illness is worse than it has ever been. I haven’t had any stable periods for several years so it’s far, far too difficult to imagine things getting better because they’ve only ever got worse.
Even when I have happier / more stable times, such as before full blown mania, I still know at the back of my mind that the more extreme symptoms are coming and, after the manic episode is over, the crushing depression.
I’ll keep on fighting because that’s what I do. It’s what Gog wants me to do. But I am teetering on the edge.