It’s been almost exactly two months since Anon’s GP appointment where the Doctor sent off an urgent referral for a psychiatrist. We still haven’t heard anything about the appointment. Anon’s mood / psychosis remains the same, and life around us has inched us closer to crisis point.
We’re walking to the GP surgery today to get an appointment for myself (I stopped my medications a few months ago when getting Anon to places was too difficult) and ask for an appointment for Anon too, so we can talk to her GP about…well, her.
Sometimes Anon is doing surprisingly well and, other than the paranoia and hallucinations, she seems okay. Most times she seems low or anxious and a little muddled. And then there are the bad days where she cries and feels like she can’t go on.
Our life has really fallen to pieces over the Christmas period, and I don’t say that lightly. Almost everything that can go wrong has, and although I don’t want to really go into details I know this constant shitstorm can’t be helping Anon’s stress levels.
I think I’m going to ask the GP if we could possibly have monthly ‘check in’ appointments with him. Anon always does better if she sees someone fairly regularly and builds up a relationship with them; learns she can trust them. It’s happened with two of her GP’s now and makes it so much easier to persuade her to let us get help when we need it.
Anon hasn’t slept properly since she came off Seroquel in the summer, but she had a migraine recently that really knocked her for six and these past few days she’s been getting an insane amount of sleep.
Most professionals at this point would tell me not to let her sleep in the day, and to keep her awake until bedtime. I say her body is asking for sleep for a reason…after five months with drastically limited sleep I have no problem with her sleeping 16 hours a day.
Sometimes I just wish other people understood how hard it all is.
It’s easy to say ‘all you need to do is travel into town and sort out your bank card’…it’s much more difficult when you have to take someone with psychosis with you (trains and strangers are huge issues at the moment), when you don’t have the money for transport, and when the people at the bank would need to talk to Anon as it’s her account. It’s easy to say ‘just go pay the bill’ or ‘go to the GP and fight for the psychiatrist appointment’…it’s much harder doing it when you have the person you love most hanging off your arm crying hysterically because she can’t leave the house and the world terrifies her.
Anon’s family and even our friends have no idea how tough things are or how much she is struggling, because she is so bloody good at hiding it from them. Even when we tell them how bad things are, they don’t get it or listen because when things are really bad Anon hides away, and when things are pretty damn bad she puts the mask on and seems fine!
I’m also waiting in terror for Anon to bring up the fact that I ‘agreed’ that she could kill herself after Christmas if things were still terrible…I didn’t agree with this at all, and I would never let it happen, but Anon will use this argument as leverage.
It’s just hard.