Anon has been filled with rage today.
Not just “I am angry”, but “I am so angry I will lash out at everyone and I am actually very scared about hurting myself or somebody else”. It is awful.
I know Anon did a post some months back about when we saw a professional and she didn’t seem to believe that moods or symptoms could appear quickly – well here’s another one to remember, the day Anon woke up feeling as okay as she ever does but then a few hours later – for absolutely no reason – she was filled with intense hatred.
Not only is Anon finding it hard not to lash out at me, but she is also filled with a bitterness about the injustice in the world, especially about Bipolar…how everybody thinks those with Bipolar should be able to work, how people think meds are quick fixes, how most people sleep for roughly the same amount every night but she has gone from sleeping two hours a night (which has been happening for several months now) to sleeping 16 hours a day, and it’s not even unusual.
When we got home after a dog walk Anon went in first and I couldn’t hear what she was saying because cars were speeding past on the road. I had to ask her to repeat herself a few times, but I still couldn’t hear her. She got so angry and was so scared about physically lashing out that she stood with her head against a wall and cried.
Years and years ago, way before we knew what was ‘wrong’ with Anon, in her worst moments she did lash out physically. In every instance that I remember this happening it was when her psychosis was so bad she thought her life was in danger, and that I was going to hurt her. I’ve had to wrestle a knife off her before.
Anon tries so fucking hard to be kind, to me especially. She constantly feels she isn’t good enough and doesn’t show me enough love. The fact that people would blame her for snapping at me sometimes is ridiculous; I have seen the effort that she puts into just living, and I have seen the self-hatred she feels after ‘being mean’.
Anon feels so strongly that she isn’t in control at the moment that she is terrified of hurting someone. Several times she has asked me to move something she is scared she could hurt me with.
She needs help desperately. It’s not fair she is trying so hard with absolutely no professional support.
We walked to the GP surgery yesterday. Anon waited outside whilst I went in to make an appointment (her paranoia was too severe to come inside…when I came out she was a quivering wreck because she was certain me and the medical staff were planning against her ).
The receptionist at the surgery was lovely and tried hard to be helpful, but the system is just crap.
The receptionist gave us an urgent appointment but because we 100% have to see ‘our’ GP, the soonest urgent appointment is next Wednesday, and even then it’s just a telephone appointment.
The receptionist did say if things got any worse we would have to get a sooner appointment with a different GP, which I completely understand…but seeing new Doctors is not only really, really stressful for Anon (we do not need a spike in her anxiety / psychosis!) but there’s also a big risk that the Doctor will be insulting and not at all understanding of mental illnesses. If this was the case Anon would refuse appointments for months afterwards, which would be disastrous.