I’m drowning

This anxiety is making it so I can’t breathe.

The funny thing is I will sit here, struggling to breathe, trembling, sweating, and wanting to cry…and it’s nothing compared to how terrified I get at Dr’s appts. If my family could see me now they’d think it was terrible, yet they can’t understand why I struggle to ‘just go to appointments’.

I had a migraine last night for no reason. I woke up in the night with extreme pain, a sharp stabbing at the very left side of my head, and had to get Gog to grab the sick bowl as I felt so nauseous.

The other migraines I had fairly recently had a cause (no sleep), but I’m freaking out now that I have a brain tumour, and that the other migraines were actually caused by that.

I’m trying to rationally calm myself…but what if the migraines are caused by a tumour? What if my psychosis is too? What if I’m going to die? What will Gog do? What if Gog gets ill; what would I do? How could I live without him? Where would I live? What if we get ill five years from now and all I can think of is the millions & millions of times I was horrible to him? Will we still be alive forty years from now?

It builds and builds and it’s crushing me.

My health anxiety is really, really horrible at the moment, and Gog says my thinking is a little warped. People from the government are spying on me, and I think our landlord has bugged the house. I know these things, but Gog doesn’t understand. I don’t trust the next door neighbour either; if she’s looking out the window as we get back from a dog walk I can’t go in, we have to go hide around the corner and then Gog goes to check if she has gone.

I’m sitting here and I’m crying and I can’t breathe and I just want all this to stop, I just want to be a normal person and have a few days stability, a few days happiness.

 

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