The nightmares

4.30am: can’t sleep after a nightmare.

I have always had vivid dreams, ever since I was a tiny kid. The sort of dreams where you aren’t sure if it really happened or not, even weeks later.

You can usually tell when my mental state is getting worse, particularly any anxiety / depression, because I have way more nightmares than normal.

This past month I’ve noticed a drastic increase in nightmares, and this past week I’ve had 1-3 nightmares every night. Ughhhh!

Usually I’m good at rolling over, grabbing onto Gog, and eventually managing to get back to sleep. Sometimes the nightmare is absolutely terrifying, or sparks other worries that I can’t help but obsess over, and sleep is out of the question.

My bad dreams are always about injuries, illness, death or destruction.

There was the one where I had cut my thumb off, and held onto it in my left hand for comfort…only I hated the feel of it, but every time I put it down I started crying hysterically. For whatever reason I couldn’t verbally tell anyone about it, and I was extremely worried about the wound getting infected, so I would go up and silently hold it out to Gog and my parents…and they would look the other way and act as though nothing was happening.

That was weird, but it wasn’t too bad.

There was the one where we were at war, and bombs were falling. Most my family raced into an old church, where there was an official bomb shelter. I was stood talking at the window and, almost in slow motion, a bomb fell through the roof and landed right on my dad. From my viewpoint I could just see his legs twitching under a pile of rubble. Screaming hysterically I ran to him…and it was just horrible.

That was bad.

Tonight I dreamt my family were all going on holiday to Disneyworld, but I didn’t want to go because I am absolutely terrified of flying (I have a LOT of nightmares about plane crashes).

As my mum was driving home discussing this with me, a crash happened involving a huge lorry…petrol went everywhere and sloshed my mum’s car, and then flames happened and the outside of our car was on fire, all over the rear windows where me and my older cousin were sat.

I managed to get the flames on my side put out, then grabbed a bottle of water, opened my window, and climbed across the car roof to put my cousin’s side out. We all survived, but my right hand was permanently scarred and useless. Skip to my family going on holiday a few months later and I was trying to get Gog to stay with me while they were away, but he couldn’t. Being alone was very scary, not only because I’m not used to it (I’ve lived with Gog for six years now) but there were also supernatural scaries…the damn grudge, I’ve been scared of it for a decade now. Wish I’d never watched that film!

Although this wasn’t the worst nightmare, it got me thinking and worrying about if Gog died and I had to live alone. Especially if it happened years from now. I don’t have any siblings, I’m not close to my extended family, and I don’t have any close friends. I would have nobody to help me out. I’d be alone.

Even if my parents were around & I went to live near them, I couldn’t live with them because I have two dogs (my mum has severe allergies) plus if we spend a lot of time together our relationship quickly deteriorates. That and they really don’t have a clue what my Bipolar is like, as they only see me when I’m at my best, and able to act stable.

So then I was fretting about the fact I really wouldn’t be able to cope with our dogs on my own, but having to let them go would destroy me. I could possible cope with just one, but having to choose and rehome the other (especially without Gog for support) wouldn’t be possible.

This got me worrying about Gog, if something happened to me, too.  He’s not that close to his family and I never want him to be sad. Would he manage to find someone else, to fall in love and be happy again?

So I sat up and started writing a blog.

It’s pretty cathartic, and if nothing else it distracts me from thinking about gross nightmares and those obsessive, anxiety-induced thoughts. Now I’ll probably stick some kid’s cartoons on and do some colouring.

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