Hallucinations or agitation, which is best?

I was only taking Abilify for about a week.

It did several good things:

  1. Calmed my hallucinations – didn’t get rid of them completely, but it did calm them
  2. It really helped with my problem of sentences vanishing, words getting plucked from my head etc – it was wonderful, I could think and talk!
  3. My thoughts returned to a normal speed…previously my head was such a tangle that forming sentences took what felt like years because everything was a jumble

However, it made plenty worse, and they all tied into each other:

  1. Agitation – I was bouncing of the walls
  2. The ability to sit still – I was bouncing off the walls; even when I forced myself to sit still the symptoms were akathisia-like
  3. Concentration – I couldn’t read, colour, or sit still for any length of time
  4. I forget it, damn… *edit* ah remembered!

    I had to be moving all day everyday. I was close to this anyway with the mania, but I could spend a few hours colouring or doing something else…on Abilify I had to be up every hour that I was awake; moving furniture, cleaning the house, cleaning pets, walking the dogs, going on days out, looking for things to build or bake or buy…!

I’ve been off the med about three or four days, I don’t remember which, and it’s insane how much things have changed…

  • My hallucinations are back, and obviously getting worse as days pass. Yesterday was the worst so far, and in just over half an hour I had four visual hallucinations, three which were terrifying

(funnily enough I have heard barely any auditory hallucinations)

 

  • I lose words mid-sentence dozens and dozens of times a day. Not only is this incredibly annoying, but it’s embarrassing with anyone but my partner too

 

  • When my brain is losing itself it snatches up other words, and the things I say don’t make sense…this is incredibly frustrating because I KNOW what I want to say, I just can’t!

    For example I might say, “I a lot miss you very much”, or “Can you catch me the hat downstairs?” Instead of ‘can you bring me the hat downstairs?’ It’s horrible.

 

  • My thoughts are such a web it’s hard to extract the right things I want to say, so sometimes I can easily picture what I want to say but finding the words is tricky, and extracting them in the right order and organising them into what I want to say takes a long time. During conversations it might take me a full minute to respond to a question.

 

  • It’s not all doom and gloom though because my energy is much lower today and somewhat calmer

    I am still manic, but it isn’t as intense as when I was taking the Abilify. The agitation (somewhat similar to anxiety but more ZING!) is gone, and I am able to read, research stuff, and colour again 🙂

 

  • For the first time in 3.5 years I AM WRITING FICTION AGAIN!!

    Writing was my all-time favourite hobby, ever since I could write I did. Story after story after story, sometimes I’d be working on almost a dozen at the same time!!

    Then, not long after I started taking Seroquel, I totally stopped being able to write. It was so much worse than writer’s block.

    For the next 3.5 years I didn’t write any fiction; I tried but couldn’t, and I was devastated. I began blogging more, and got enjoyment from that, but it wasn’t the same.

    About twelve hours ago I began writing my first fiction in such a long time, and amongst sleep I have written six pages now – I am loving it 🙂

Ugh, even writing this is tough as I keep forgetting what I want to say and my thoughts are a knot tied to each other!

So yeah. Oh, and still no help from the NHS.

Gog has made me an appt with the GP, but I have to wait three weeks because my GP was off for a month, and the wait to see anyone else was almost as long :/

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One thought on “Hallucinations or agitation, which is best?

  1. Pingback: Sleeping bunies are the cutest | Scarlybobs' Blog

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