Mania’s not always fun

I’ve only been manic 17 days so far, it could last a lot longer, but I am *so* done with it…

The lack of sleep is becoming an issue.

My partner is missing sleep, because he is my carer and has to be awake to make sure I don’t spend all our money (why yes, I am an impulsive dick, thank you!), but the lack of sleep and being constantly on the go means he gets tired by about 7pm in the evening.

I get really frustrated because I don’t ever want to go to bed, and if he’s having a cat nap I have to agree to stay still and do one thing (ie. listen to five songs on the Ipon whilst colouring and he should be awake by the time they are finished) and it’s so hard for me…Gog has a really hard time reminding me and getting me to understand that he is not manic, he gets tired – it is ME who is having unusual amounts of energy, not him who is unusually sleepy!

I told someone else recently, I suck at empathy when I’m manic >__<

I had a really crap night’s sleep last night, about four hours and I haven’t slept properly for several weeks now, and I don’t understand it…yesterday was my most un-manic day in 17 days, so why have I woken so zingy and manicky today?!

I rated yesterday a 6 for my mood (0 = suicidal, 10 = manic & psychotic), a 7 for feeling calm & relaxed, and a 7 for being able to sit still. These are significantly calmer than all the other 12 days on my mood chart.

Seventeen days where the most I have slept is seven hours, and I usually fall in around 4-5.5 hours. I am going to have missed out on so much sleep and be so exhausted by the time this ends, and it infuriates me!

I’ve also spent way, way, waaaaaay too much money 😦

I’ve managed to blow several hundred pounds, and we only just built our funds back up after having nothing. FUCK.

Even my partner having our bank cards doesn’t help because I find things to buy online when he is out the room or napping…I’m so certain it’s a good idea and I NEED to spend money – I really wish the automatic saving of details on sites such as amazon and ebay didn’t mean I could buy things so easily, I never used to know how to do it…

My partner is gently trying to get me to agree to have the sites blocked on both my laptop and the PC, so I can’t buy things as only he knows how to block / unblock them, but I love looking for stuff that interest me. Finding cool dog toys or training tools on amazon / ebay is one of the few things I can focus on, it’d suck if it had to go because I’m an impulsive idiot…

I just want to start an anti-psychotic that could a) get rid of my psychosis, and b) help me calm down and reduce my mania…please NHS help me for fuck sake!!

I can’t believe the nearest GP appt I could get was the 11th March – and that was booked over a week ago. I’m sat here, skin twitching with agitation, and I could cry with the frustration of it all *sigh*

People think mania must be so enjoyable…news flash: it’s not!


One thought on “Mania’s not always fun

  1. Pingback: Sleeping bunies are the cutest | Scarlybobs' Blog

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