I can’t even give up

Somehow, my mood is getting worse.

I thought I was at rock bottom, but I guess I wasn’t. Surely I am now.

Last night Gog phoned 111 to ask about how we could go about getting help – I don’t want him to phone the place where we were supposed to have the appt with the social worker I hate. I don’t trust them and just thinking about the place makes my paranoia rocket and reduces me to tears.

Talking on the phone, 111 were again helpful.

They said a psychiatrist would come out and do a home visit if the travel to appts caused me great distress – this does indeed mean that our GP was bullshitting at our last appt.

They also told my partner that we could go to A&E at any point, even if it didn’t feel like it was an emergency. We have been told over and over to go to A&E and that we wouldn’t be wasting time.

At this point, I feel so fucking bad I would go to A&E.

The only things stopping me from going are that when we’ve gone in the past we have been treated like shit on the Dr’s shoes, it’s an absolute nightmare to get to, and I just don’t have the energy. I really don’t.

I was a wreck after Gog spoke to 111 last night.

I started panicking about appts and seeing social workers and psychiatrists again. I ended up swallowing as many pills as I could whilst Gog was out the room, various pain killers and some Abilify.

It wasn’t planned, I was just…I needed to do something. It was desperation to get everything to stop. If it was planned I could have done it all much better…

I’ve done dog walks today which I normally enjoy…the weather was good, the dogs rocked, the walks should have been nice, but I just felt numb and empty. I’ve had no enjoyment. Moments of true despair and unbearable pain; for the rest of the time, just numb.

Visual hallucinations still prominent. All sorts of visual hallucinations. Very tiring.

I need help but I can’t leave the house.

I need help but I have no trust in the services that are in place to help me, they’ve done nothing but fail me before and this time it won’t be any different.

I need help but I don’t trust the world.

I don’t need help, I just need it all to stop.



No need to be aggressive

I stumbled across this blog recently, where the author was talking about Easter and being vegan.

The statement was made that “Vegan chocolate is great, and it exists, and it’s great, and it tastes no difference to “normal” milk chocolate”.

I highly disagree with this – chocolate was the one thing I really, really missed as a vegan. I was vegan over six years, and that entire time I hated the taste of vegan chocolate. I commented this on the blog, and I guess I didn’t get my tone across very well.

I wasn’t trying to be a dick – it’s easy to come across as saying something completely different on the internet, because there’s no tone or body language to accompany it. I was trying to say I really didn’t agree that vegan chocolate “tastes no different” to dairy chocolate and that, while I loved vegan equivalents of other foods, vegan chocolate to me is gross.

I then got this wonderful and needlessly aggressive response from her:

This made absolutely no sense to me.

Why would you be so automatically aggressive? Can you not understand that maybe the way you’re taking the comment is not the way it was intended?

I’m always so happy to read comments and, if I don’t understand them or feel they’re perhaps hurtful, I try read them from all angles. I appreciate any and all comments, and I’ve made some wonderful friends through wordpress. I try hard to be polite to everyone who takes the time to read and respond to my blogs…so it seems weird to me that someone would jump straight to insults.

I replied saying I was merely stating a different opinion, and I don’t understand how I was trying to “sneak” a comment through her comment system – I didn’t have to give my name, email address, or fill in a form. I merely typed the comment into the box like I do with any other wordpress blog – you can see it here.

I also explained that I had Bipolar disorder, and due to my psychosis / paranoia I like to remain as anonymous as possible on the internet (this is why comments on blogs show up as being written by ‘ME’ – oddly enough nobody else has ever had a problem with this).

You can see my response to her comment ‘awaiting moderation’ here:

Well, the author of the blog didn’t approve my last comment, so all you can see on her blog now is my first comment and then her excessively aggressive response.

You can stumble across all sorts of nasty people on the internet…but in this case, there was just no need for it.

It’s irritating when you call someone out on their aggression and they don’t have the guts to post the full story, or respond. So here it is.

Petty doing this? Eh, almost definitely.

But I just don’t care anymore.


Happy World Bipolar Day!

Yay, let’s celebrate living with an illness that sucks!

Nah, I know that’s not at all what this day is about…it’s about spreading hope, furthering understanding and decreasing stigma 😉

For World Bipolar Day I thought I’d come up with my own list of ‘things not to say to someone with a severe mental illness’

1) Snap out of it!

This is one of THE worst things you can say to someone who is suffering, be it Bipolar, Schizophrenia, anxiety or any mental illness.

When you have a mental illness, you CANNOT just snap out of it. Can you honestly imagine telling someone with diabetes, or cancer, to snap out of it? It wouldn’t be possible, would it? And most importantly, it wouldn’t help.

It’s exactly the same for those with mental health problems!

2) You are lucky – think how many people are worse off than you in the world

Yeah, I’m pretty sure we’re all aware of this…

What YOU don’t seem to be aware of though, is that we don’t choose to be this way, to have these illnesses.

We’re not lazy and we’re most certainly not lucky – I can say from the heart, having Bipolar has ruined my life, and every day is a huge struggle. Thinking about people who have it ‘worse off’ than me (how are you gauging this, by the way?) doesn’t help – it just makes me hate myself for being so pathetic and selfish.

3) I know how you feel

I hate this.

And the most annoying thing is, I can see that the people who tell me this are honestly trying to help, they’re trying to make me feel better and say ‘look I understand, you’re not alone’ – but the thing is, they DON’T understand!

I’ve had a family member tell me “yeah I’ve been depressed for a few days before, I know how hard it is, but I just picked myself back up. That’s what people do!” – NOT HELPFUL!

My mum, bless her, told me that she knows what I feel like when I’m manic to a small extent, because her migraine pills make her feel energetic, and she laughs and talks a lot…I really appreciate the effort, and the fact she said to a small extent, but it’s just not the same.

I have had so many people tell me they ‘know how I feel’ about all sorts of symptoms…they’ve felt anxious once when they were waiting for exam results so they totally get it, or they felt sad once when they were too sick to go to a concert they’d been really looking forward to…none of them had Bipolar, none of them had experienced true depression, mania or anxiety, and quite frankly none of them understood.

Instead of everyone saying “I know how you feel”, I’d like it much more if they said “I can’t imagine how difficult it is, but it sounds like it really sucks!”

4) Taking medication for a mental health problem is a sign of weakness

Yep, I’ve had a friend actually say this to me, right after I was newly diagnosed with Bipolar.

I’d just like to say: f**k you!

And more eloquently – would you say a diabetic person needing insulin was weak? Would you say someone suffering a migraine and taking pain relief was weak?

I know for a fact the person who said this to me relies on inhalers for asthma – aren’t they automatically weak, then?! Oh no wait I forgot – you’re apparently only weak if you have a mental health problem, not a physical one!

5) Maybe you should try leaving the house more, or get a job

Yeah…just no.

Getting a job is out of the question – you try being this ill and living, never mind working.

And getting out the house more – are you kidding? I can barely even muster up the energy to go to the toilet, and I don’t have to worry about the outside world spying on me or plotting against me when going to the loo – well, not much anyway.

Because it’s easy for everyone else to leave the house, people don’t seem to understand that for me it is massively stressful and more effort than I can handle. If my body is screaming out for me to stay inside and cuddle under blankets, it is helpful for me to listen to it…

Back when I followed my social worker’s advice, I did used to force myself out into the world when I was severely depressed. I had numerous days where I’d get back home after spending a stressful day out, trying to act ‘normal’, and I’d just burst into tears as soon as I walked through the door. I’d slump against a wall and just cry so hard I couldn’t breathe.

It. Doesn’t. Help!

Finally I’d like to leave you with this, which is much better than everything I’ve just written – I shoulda just posted this haha XD



Days go on and on

I am tired of all the days being the same old shit.

I want to give up.

Every day is exhausting, every day is miserable, every day is a struggle.

My life is shit, and I’m ruining my partner’s life too.

Today I had several moments of enjoying myself…I had a great walk with our youngest dog, I actually enjoyed it start to finish. But it’s never enough. An hours’ happiness amongst a full day of misery isn’t enough.

I’ll keep going. There’s nothing else to do but keep going, even though I’m dragging my partner down too…why am I living for him when all I do is make him miserable?

Every day is the same.

Oh hey look, it’s officially World Bipolar Day. Yay…


Today was slightly better

I noticed a few positives today:

  1. I didn’t have a nap during the day
  2. I had the motivation to spend time with my pets (sat with our blind & deaf bunny as she played in her pen, played with my dogs, trained our puppy etc) – not only did I have the energy to do these things but I actually enjoyed them too 🙂
  3. I made it out on a (albeit short) walk with our youngest dog

Minor improvements, but far better than things have been.

Yesterday I spent the vast majority of the day lying down. I kept thinking of things I either wanted or needed to do – read a book, eat, get a drink, go for a walk etc – and I couldn’t physically do them. It sounds ridiculous, but I just did not have the energy to sit up, it was impossible.

I spent hours lying, staring at a wall and thinking of suicide and how pathetic I was. When I got tired (seems at the moment I’m always getting tired) I had a nap, and that helped quite a bit – I woke with more energy and was able to read a book.

All I can think is that maybe the improvement today is because I’m listening to my body.

I’m not forcing myself to do anything – if my body says that it is tired, I will nap. If I wake up from a long nap and still feel tired, I’ll let myself go back to sleep. If I really don’t want to leave the house and it’s really stressing me out…well, that’s fine. Even if I haven’t left the house for days on end, I’m not going to force myself – the last thing I need is more stress.

Most mental health professionals would advise me not to do this – the generic advice given to someone who is depressed (in my experience) is to force yourself out into the world, and never give in and have naps outside of bedtime because you will ruin your sleep pattern.

As ever I am here to say: that advice will not work for everybody.

(I always wondered how you’re supposed to stay awake if you’re truly exhausted, like I am when depressed..my eyes close, my head hurts, my eyes water and sting, and I can’t think straight…if that happens three hours after I wake in the morning, it’s not exactly possible to ‘just’ stay up until bed!!)

I hope my mood continues to pick up, even if it’s just a little…it was nice to have some energy today 🙂


Glad we cancelled

Anon here.

My parents were supposed to come up for a visit today. They let us know yesterday and, even though I really, really wasn’t in the mood to be social and act happy, I told them it’d be fine for them to come visit and I’d see them tomorrow.

Tomorrow came and my mood was in the pits, so I called them and cancelled. I think this is the first time I’ve ever actually cancelled plans with them when I’ve needed to.

I’m really glad I didn’t force myself to go through with the day; instead me and Gog stayed in, watched easy TV and snuggled under blankets together.

The entire day my mood was horribly low and I was exhausted.

I had a two hour nap, woke up exhausted still, and fell asleep for another few hours.

I did make it out on two dog walks with our youngest dog; one was okay and I found it quite stress relieving, and the other one made me completely stressed and full of rage, for no real reason.

My paranoia hasn’t been too bad today. I’ve had the thoughts that aren’t mine in my head (it’s like hearing voices, but not someone talking outside my head, but in), they circle around suicide and how worthless I am, but as usual it’s the visual hallucinations that have had most impact and caused the most trouble.

And that’s pretty much my day.

It’s felt really short because I haven’t been awake that much, yet here I am at just after midnight exhausted again!

I think it’s Easter tomorrow. Happy Easter everyone.


Staying indoors

At the moment, because I’m in a big depressive episode, I’m rarely leaving the house.

Before this I was manic; I was doing four or five dog walks a day lasting 30-90 minutes at a time, plus going out into the world and enjoying myself…as of right now I haven’t even managed one dog walk in several days, and I haven’t left the house at all for half a week now.

A lot of professionals try and tell me to force myself to go out when I’m feeling depressed and wanting to stay in – go on dog walks, see friends, have a night out etc etc. – contrary to popular belief, doing that really doesn’t help me. It stresses me out and always triggers higher levels of hallucinations, paranoia and depression.

Everyone is an individual, and what might work for thousands of people won’t work for everyone.

Anyway, I’m spending so much time indoors my partner had the idea of tidying the place up and making it look nicer. He wants it to be a cosier place to spend my time and recuperate.

Tomorrow we paint our small living room.

At the moment the walls are plain white (which I can’t stand) with an old faded orangey carpet and reddish curtains. My partner went out and bought some paint today, one blue-ish grey and one darker grey. We’re painting two walls each colour.

Alongside that we are doing general tidying and hanging up paintings, so there are splashes of colour and happiness everywhere.

The one room we have more or less finished (other than painting) is awesome. It’s a really nice place to hole up and relax 🙂


Everyone with Bipolar can work

Apparently I filled in a survey about Bipolar disorder at the end of 2014.

I don’t remember the survey or what it was for, but it’s somehow tied into the NHS.

Yesterday I got an email with some follow-up questions; they asked me to rate some questions according to how important I thought they were.

Filling the survey out I got more and more depressed and angry at how they were marketing Bipolar – I wish there had been a comment box at the end of every question so I could have added my thoughts.

The entire thing was geared towards people thinking that you can recover from Bipolar, it is the person who has Bipolar’s job to manage themselves and their symptoms, and people with Bipolar can lead ‘normal’ lives with jobs etc.

One question asked how important I thought it was that the Bipolar person be “trained” to manage their recovery using the following methods:

diet, exercise, sleep, yoga, meditation, rest, routine, sunlight, change of job, avoiding alcohol and recreational drugs

Uhuh, yep. Because if I eat right, exercise, sleep well (in a mood episode? How can I magic myself into that?!), meditate, rest, have a routine, sit in the sun, manage a job (HA!) and don’t drink or do drugs…I’ll be fine, all my symptoms will disappear!

As someone who has Bipolar, I am so tired of constantly having this belief that I can and should be working shoved down my throat.

Almost every book on Bipolar I’ve read talks about the fact I should definitely be well enough to work. Websites list staggering percentages of people with Bipolar who are symptom-less and work a gazillion hours every day.

Everything is pushed towards making sure the Bipolar person *knows* that recovery is possible and they can and must work.

Work is good for them, work needs to be what they do, if they aren’t working they are lazy…blah blah blah, it’s all bullshit.

Fact of the matter is Bipolar is a lifelong illness, and those with severe Bipolar probably can’t work. Isn’t it obvious that those who have no stable episodes obviously can’t hold down a job? Or those who have tried a dozen plus medications, and none of them have helped long-term, are going to lose their job when depression or mania hits?

I’m tired of this illness not being taken seriously.

When I read things or am told about how well people with Bipolar do, or the fact I should be able to work, it literally never helps…it makes me sad and lonely, because if everyone else is fine why am I so fucked?

It also makes me anxious because if most people with Bipolar hold down impressive jobs, that’s gonna mean even more pressure on me to get working before I’m anywhere near ready. The rest of the world already sees me as a lazy, scrounging shit muncher and it’s not pleasant.

Although my last social worker and I ended on bad terms, the one thing I really appreciated was her ‘get back to work plan’ (I asked about getting a job whilst hypomanic).

She said I’d need to be stable for around two years before I should think about getting a ‘proper’ job

After 6 months stable I should start attending a group one day a week and slowly build it up to several days a week; after another 6 months stable I can start volunteering once a week and slowly build it up; after another six months I can get a part-time job one day a week, and then after a further six months I can think about building up days or getting a few days of a full-time job.

That’s what we should be telling people who have a long history of severe Bipolar disorder.

There shouldn’t be a rush to get people working; their health should come before this need to get them in a job. We need to admit that some people with Bipolar might never be able to work, whereas for others it might be a breeze.

Bipolar is an illness where each case is individual.

I also found these questions from the survey laughable.

What are the most effective ways to train and support a person with bipolar so they are motivated and able to manage the condition themselves?

How am I supposed to manage my Bipolar? I do what I can, yet everyday is hell.

I try to eat healthy, I take vitamins, I get 1-5 hours exercise every day, I listen to my body, we monitor my symptoms, I colour, I read, I handle my pets, I take on my pets’ responsibilities when I am able, I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs…yet I haven’t had a stable day for years, and I experience psychosis every day.

Sometimes an illness is too much – would you expect someone with a serious physical illness to manage it themselves?

M4: What can we learn about managing bipolar from the people who are managing the condition well?

As I said earlier: Bipolar is different for every individual.

Even if you take someone with the same type of Bipolar…one person with Bipolar 1 might experience one episode every few years, whereas someone else might have rapid cycling Bipolar and switch every month or so. There are huge variations in people who rapid cycle; some of them have stable episodes between being ill, others have none.

Nobody is the same.

One person might be virtually symptom-less, yet if you had them tell someone who is very ill what they are doing to manage (exercising, eating vegetables, charting symptoms) the ill person might already be doing it and more.

Bipolar isn’t predictable, and it’s very unique to each person suffering from it.

I think Bipolar is one of the most misunderstood illnesses. There are very few people who actually understand its’ patterns – people think it’s a laughable illness (“I mean, everyone’s happy and sad at some point aren’t they, and that’s all Bipolar is!!”) or something to joke about (“the weather is so Bipolar!”) or they think it’s not that serious.
It’s about time professionals started taking this illness seriously and actually trying to help those who have it, instead of expecting the ill person to do it all themselves…

Leave me alone!

Me and Gog had an argument today.

We were due to see his parents and, along with some other stuff, he lied to me. I cannot *stand* being lied to, especially by him, and after past events between us it’s really not good.

When I told him I wasn’t going out, he was refusing to let me stay home alone because ‘you might kill yourself’ – NOTHING is going to wind me up as much as being told this!

First of all I am 26 fucking years old, you can’t tell me what to do and I should be able to stay home alone. Secondly I’m very open with Gog, and always tell him when I’m feeling that bad – if I say I can safely stay home, I can almost always safely stay home.

Today I’m having an okay day, my suicidal thoughts are barely scratching the surface…let me be alone whilst I can be!

And why the hell do I have no choice but to stay with the person who has just pissed me off and hurt me?

I told him being forced to go out and act happy around his parents when I wanted to hole up at home and hide would be horrible. I’d be irritable, stressed and upset by the end of the day.

After lots of wasted time and dithering on his part, he left.

I love him to bits but I feel like we’re being pushed to breaking point. I *know* he does things to help and he’s an amazing guy…but I am tired of feeling misunderstood, under-appreciated and unheard.

We both need to work on some things, but sometimes it feels like I’m the only one trying…


I made a snuggle den

Alongside feeling depressed today I felt physically ill too…not my usual head / back / neck pain, more an overall feeling of having a cold.

I kept getting hot, then really cold, and my head felt like it was stuffed with cotton wool. I was exhausted too, but I’ve been sleeping extra and feeling tired anyway.

We got rid of our couch a few weeks ago, because my partner’s weird and sits on the floor most the time; it was really just taking up room. Getting rid of it opened up a lot of extra space in our living room, so today we created a ‘snuggle den’.

We collected several sleeping bags, half a dozen blankets and pillows, and made a little nest-like area in the room. The really cool thing is that it happens to be underneath where we stuck a load of hand-drawn ‘memory photographs’, so I can lay there and look up and see special memories 🙂

It’s a good place to bury in and lose myself, and me and my partner just fit side-by-side so it’s really snug and safe. Definitely something I’m going to try utilise when I need somewhere to hide, either from depression or psychotic symptoms.

Because the snuggle den is under the stairs, our dogs have their own smaller version too!

I opened the cupboard under the stairs, which is about 3ft x 2ft with a sloping roof, and put the old couch cushions and some blankets under there. Our younger dog loves it already 🙂

Here’s a photo of our wall of memories from when we first stuck them up, and you can just see the cupboard that makes the doggy den too!