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I can’t even give up

Somehow, my mood is getting worse.

I thought I was at rock bottom, but I guess I wasn’t. Surely I am now.

Last night Gog phoned 111 to ask about how we could go about getting help – I don’t want him to phone the place where we were supposed to have the appt with the social worker I hate. I don’t trust them and just thinking about the place makes my paranoia rocket and reduces me to tears.

Talking on the phone, 111 were again helpful.

They said a psychiatrist would come out and do a home visit if the travel to appts caused me great distress – this does indeed mean that our GP was bullshitting at our last appt.

They also told my partner that we could go to A&E at any point, even if it didn’t feel like it was an emergency. We have been told over and over to go to A&E and that we wouldn’t be wasting time.

At this point, I feel so fucking bad I would go to A&E.

The only things stopping me from going are that when we’ve gone in the past we have been treated like shit on the Dr’s shoes, it’s an absolute nightmare to get to, and I just don’t have the energy. I really don’t.

I was a wreck after Gog spoke to 111 last night.

I started panicking about appts and seeing social workers and psychiatrists again. I ended up swallowing as many pills as I could whilst Gog was out the room, various pain killers and some Abilify.

It wasn’t planned, I was just…I needed to do something. It was desperation to get everything to stop. If it was planned I could have done it all much better…

I’ve done dog walks today which I normally enjoy…the weather was good, the dogs rocked, the walks should have been nice, but I just felt numb and empty. I’ve had no enjoyment. Moments of true despair and unbearable pain; for the rest of the time, just numb.

Visual hallucinations still prominent. All sorts of visual hallucinations. Very tiring.

I need help but I can’t leave the house.

I need help but I have no trust in the services that are in place to help me, they’ve done nothing but fail me before and this time it won’t be any different.

I need help but I don’t trust the world.

I don’t need help, I just need it all to stop.

 

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No need to be aggressive

I stumbled across this blog recently, where the author was talking about Easter and being vegan.

The statement was made that “Vegan chocolate is great, and it exists, and it’s great, and it tastes no difference to “normal” milk chocolate”.

I highly disagree with this – chocolate was the one thing I really, really missed as a vegan. I was vegan over six years, and that entire time I hated the taste of vegan chocolate. I commented this on the blog, and I guess I didn’t get my tone across very well.

I wasn’t trying to be a dick – it’s easy to come across as saying something completely different on the internet, because there’s no tone or body language to accompany it. I was trying to say I really didn’t agree that vegan chocolate “tastes no different” to dairy chocolate and that, while I loved vegan equivalents of other foods, vegan chocolate to me is gross.

I then got this wonderful and needlessly aggressive response from her:

This made absolutely no sense to me.

Why would you be so automatically aggressive? Can you not understand that maybe the way you’re taking the comment is not the way it was intended?

I’m always so happy to read comments and, if I don’t understand them or feel they’re perhaps hurtful, I try read them from all angles. I appreciate any and all comments, and I’ve made some wonderful friends through wordpress. I try hard to be polite to everyone who takes the time to read and respond to my blogs…so it seems weird to me that someone would jump straight to insults.

I replied saying I was merely stating a different opinion, and I don’t understand how I was trying to “sneak” a comment through her comment system – I didn’t have to give my name, email address, or fill in a form. I merely typed the comment into the box like I do with any other wordpress blog – you can see it here.

I also explained that I had Bipolar disorder, and due to my psychosis / paranoia I like to remain as anonymous as possible on the internet (this is why comments on blogs show up as being written by ‘ME’ – oddly enough nobody else has ever had a problem with this).

You can see my response to her comment ‘awaiting moderation’ here:

Well, the author of the blog didn’t approve my last comment, so all you can see on her blog now is my first comment and then her excessively aggressive response.

You can stumble across all sorts of nasty people on the internet…but in this case, there was just no need for it.

It’s irritating when you call someone out on their aggression and they don’t have the guts to post the full story, or respond. So here it is.

Petty doing this? Eh, almost definitely.

But I just don’t care anymore.

1

Happy World Bipolar Day!

Yay, let’s celebrate living with an illness that sucks!

Nah, I know that’s not at all what this day is about…it’s about spreading hope, furthering understanding and decreasing stigma 😉

For World Bipolar Day I thought I’d come up with my own list of ‘things not to say to someone with a severe mental illness’

1) Snap out of it!

This is one of THE worst things you can say to someone who is suffering, be it Bipolar, Schizophrenia, anxiety or any mental illness.

When you have a mental illness, you CANNOT just snap out of it. Can you honestly imagine telling someone with diabetes, or cancer, to snap out of it? It wouldn’t be possible, would it? And most importantly, it wouldn’t help.

It’s exactly the same for those with mental health problems!

2) You are lucky – think how many people are worse off than you in the world

Yeah, I’m pretty sure we’re all aware of this…

What YOU don’t seem to be aware of though, is that we don’t choose to be this way, to have these illnesses.

We’re not lazy and we’re most certainly not lucky – I can say from the heart, having Bipolar has ruined my life, and every day is a huge struggle. Thinking about people who have it ‘worse off’ than me (how are you gauging this, by the way?) doesn’t help – it just makes me hate myself for being so pathetic and selfish.

3) I know how you feel

I hate this.

And the most annoying thing is, I can see that the people who tell me this are honestly trying to help, they’re trying to make me feel better and say ‘look I understand, you’re not alone’ – but the thing is, they DON’T understand!

I’ve had a family member tell me “yeah I’ve been depressed for a few days before, I know how hard it is, but I just picked myself back up. That’s what people do!” – NOT HELPFUL!

My mum, bless her, told me that she knows what I feel like when I’m manic to a small extent, because her migraine pills make her feel energetic, and she laughs and talks a lot…I really appreciate the effort, and the fact she said to a small extent, but it’s just not the same.

I have had so many people tell me they ‘know how I feel’ about all sorts of symptoms…they’ve felt anxious once when they were waiting for exam results so they totally get it, or they felt sad once when they were too sick to go to a concert they’d been really looking forward to…none of them had Bipolar, none of them had experienced true depression, mania or anxiety, and quite frankly none of them understood.

Instead of everyone saying “I know how you feel”, I’d like it much more if they said “I can’t imagine how difficult it is, but it sounds like it really sucks!”

4) Taking medication for a mental health problem is a sign of weakness

Yep, I’ve had a friend actually say this to me, right after I was newly diagnosed with Bipolar.

I’d just like to say: f**k you!

And more eloquently – would you say a diabetic person needing insulin was weak? Would you say someone suffering a migraine and taking pain relief was weak?

I know for a fact the person who said this to me relies on inhalers for asthma – aren’t they automatically weak, then?! Oh no wait I forgot – you’re apparently only weak if you have a mental health problem, not a physical one!

5) Maybe you should try leaving the house more, or get a job

Yeah…just no.

Getting a job is out of the question – you try being this ill and living, never mind working.

And getting out the house more – are you kidding? I can barely even muster up the energy to go to the toilet, and I don’t have to worry about the outside world spying on me or plotting against me when going to the loo – well, not much anyway.

Because it’s easy for everyone else to leave the house, people don’t seem to understand that for me it is massively stressful and more effort than I can handle. If my body is screaming out for me to stay inside and cuddle under blankets, it is helpful for me to listen to it…

Back when I followed my social worker’s advice, I did used to force myself out into the world when I was severely depressed. I had numerous days where I’d get back home after spending a stressful day out, trying to act ‘normal’, and I’d just burst into tears as soon as I walked through the door. I’d slump against a wall and just cry so hard I couldn’t breathe.

It. Doesn’t. Help!

Finally I’d like to leave you with this, which is much better than everything I’ve just written – I shoulda just posted this haha XD

robothugs

2

Days go on and on

I am tired of all the days being the same old shit.

I want to give up.

Every day is exhausting, every day is miserable, every day is a struggle.

My life is shit, and I’m ruining my partner’s life too.

Today I had several moments of enjoying myself…I had a great walk with our youngest dog, I actually enjoyed it start to finish. But it’s never enough. An hours’ happiness amongst a full day of misery isn’t enough.

I’ll keep going. There’s nothing else to do but keep going, even though I’m dragging my partner down too…why am I living for him when all I do is make him miserable?

Every day is the same.

Oh hey look, it’s officially World Bipolar Day. Yay…

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Today was slightly better

I noticed a few positives today:

  1. I didn’t have a nap during the day
  2. I had the motivation to spend time with my pets (sat with our blind & deaf bunny as she played in her pen, played with my dogs, trained our puppy etc) – not only did I have the energy to do these things but I actually enjoyed them too 🙂
  3. I made it out on a (albeit short) walk with our youngest dog

Minor improvements, but far better than things have been.

Yesterday I spent the vast majority of the day lying down. I kept thinking of things I either wanted or needed to do – read a book, eat, get a drink, go for a walk etc – and I couldn’t physically do them. It sounds ridiculous, but I just did not have the energy to sit up, it was impossible.

I spent hours lying, staring at a wall and thinking of suicide and how pathetic I was. When I got tired (seems at the moment I’m always getting tired) I had a nap, and that helped quite a bit – I woke with more energy and was able to read a book.

All I can think is that maybe the improvement today is because I’m listening to my body.

I’m not forcing myself to do anything – if my body says that it is tired, I will nap. If I wake up from a long nap and still feel tired, I’ll let myself go back to sleep. If I really don’t want to leave the house and it’s really stressing me out…well, that’s fine. Even if I haven’t left the house for days on end, I’m not going to force myself – the last thing I need is more stress.

Most mental health professionals would advise me not to do this – the generic advice given to someone who is depressed (in my experience) is to force yourself out into the world, and never give in and have naps outside of bedtime because you will ruin your sleep pattern.

As ever I am here to say: that advice will not work for everybody.

(I always wondered how you’re supposed to stay awake if you’re truly exhausted, like I am when depressed..my eyes close, my head hurts, my eyes water and sting, and I can’t think straight…if that happens three hours after I wake in the morning, it’s not exactly possible to ‘just’ stay up until bed!!)

I hope my mood continues to pick up, even if it’s just a little…it was nice to have some energy today 🙂

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Glad we cancelled

Anon here.

My parents were supposed to come up for a visit today. They let us know yesterday and, even though I really, really wasn’t in the mood to be social and act happy, I told them it’d be fine for them to come visit and I’d see them tomorrow.

Tomorrow came and my mood was in the pits, so I called them and cancelled. I think this is the first time I’ve ever actually cancelled plans with them when I’ve needed to.

I’m really glad I didn’t force myself to go through with the day; instead me and Gog stayed in, watched easy TV and snuggled under blankets together.

The entire day my mood was horribly low and I was exhausted.

I had a two hour nap, woke up exhausted still, and fell asleep for another few hours.

I did make it out on two dog walks with our youngest dog; one was okay and I found it quite stress relieving, and the other one made me completely stressed and full of rage, for no real reason.

My paranoia hasn’t been too bad today. I’ve had the thoughts that aren’t mine in my head (it’s like hearing voices, but not someone talking outside my head, but in), they circle around suicide and how worthless I am, but as usual it’s the visual hallucinations that have had most impact and caused the most trouble.

And that’s pretty much my day.

It’s felt really short because I haven’t been awake that much, yet here I am at just after midnight exhausted again!

I think it’s Easter tomorrow. Happy Easter everyone.

2

Staying indoors

At the moment, because I’m in a big depressive episode, I’m rarely leaving the house.

Before this I was manic; I was doing four or five dog walks a day lasting 30-90 minutes at a time, plus going out into the world and enjoying myself…as of right now I haven’t even managed one dog walk in several days, and I haven’t left the house at all for half a week now.

A lot of professionals try and tell me to force myself to go out when I’m feeling depressed and wanting to stay in – go on dog walks, see friends, have a night out etc etc. – contrary to popular belief, doing that really doesn’t help me. It stresses me out and always triggers higher levels of hallucinations, paranoia and depression.

Everyone is an individual, and what might work for thousands of people won’t work for everyone.

Anyway, I’m spending so much time indoors my partner had the idea of tidying the place up and making it look nicer. He wants it to be a cosier place to spend my time and recuperate.

Tomorrow we paint our small living room.

At the moment the walls are plain white (which I can’t stand) with an old faded orangey carpet and reddish curtains. My partner went out and bought some paint today, one blue-ish grey and one darker grey. We’re painting two walls each colour.

Alongside that we are doing general tidying and hanging up paintings, so there are splashes of colour and happiness everywhere.

The one room we have more or less finished (other than painting) is awesome. It’s a really nice place to hole up and relax 🙂