Immediate depression

For fuck sake ūüė¶

Over three weeks of mania, not even enjoyable mania, and then I wake up one day feeling crushed, suffocated and suicidal.

Where has this come from? How can this happen?!

Literally the day before we had made an emergency GP appt because I was dangerously manic, then the day after I was seriously depressed.

Here’s my mood chart for the past three days:

mood (with 10 being extreme mania with psychosis, 0 being actively suicidal): first day = 10, second day = 8, third day = 2
hopelessness: first day = 0, second day = 0,third  day = 8
sadness: first day = 0, second day = o, third day = 8
anxiety: first day = 0, second day = 0, third day = 7

I feel sad all the time, I’m not enjoying things, interacting even with Gog is a struggle, training, playing and walking the dogs is a huge effort… I’m just utterly miserable that I am back here, that I’ve lost that glorious energy, and that it only lasted three weeks. And of course the psyhosis is still here, that wondrous, fucks-with-your-head psychosis…

Of course mania fucking sucked, but I’d rather have it over depression I think, just so I actually ¬†have energy to *do* things.

Please help me NHS, I could really do with any support at all…

Gog says he’s going to phone the GP to see if anything’s been done after our appt a few days ago. I just want to curl into a ball and sleep until this is all over.

maybe you could just kill yourself, and end all this mess, my head whispers,¬†wouldn’t Gog be better off without you anyway…?


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