For fuck sake 😦
Over three weeks of mania, not even enjoyable mania, and then I wake up one day feeling crushed, suffocated and suicidal.
Where has this come from? How can this happen?!
Literally the day before we had made an emergency GP appt because I was dangerously manic, then the day after I was seriously depressed.
Here’s my mood chart for the past three days:
mood (with 10 being extreme mania with psychosis, 0 being actively suicidal): first day = 10, second day = 8, third day = 2
hopelessness: first day = 0, second day = 0,third day = 8
sadness: first day = 0, second day = o, third day = 8
anxiety: first day = 0, second day = 0, third day = 7
I feel sad all the time, I’m not enjoying things, interacting even with Gog is a struggle, training, playing and walking the dogs is a huge effort… I’m just utterly miserable that I am back here, that I’ve lost that glorious energy, and that it only lasted three weeks. And of course the psyhosis is still here, that wondrous, fucks-with-your-head psychosis…
Of course mania fucking sucked, but I’d rather have it over depression I think, just so I actually have energy to *do* things.
Please help me NHS, I could really do with any support at all…
Gog says he’s going to phone the GP to see if anything’s been done after our appt a few days ago. I just want to curl into a ball and sleep until this is all over.
maybe you could just kill yourself, and end all this mess, my head whispers, wouldn’t Gog be better off without you anyway…?