I woke up early today, but I’d still had a decent amount of sleep.
I had about 8 hours in total…that’s somewhere in between the ‘you’re depressed’ 12+ hours, the ‘you’re stable’ 9-10, and the ‘you’re manic’ 2-6 haha 🙂
I managed to settle and do a few things when I woke up. Gog woke up a few hours later; he recently said he thought I seemed pretty damn manic at the time – apparently I was talking very fast, laughing a lot, extremely bored and active – bounding from one thing to the next.
That surprised me because I hadn’t cottoned on to that at all.
We took our dog on a huge walk which killed a few hours, then when we got back home we had our puppy out. I edited all the photos from the walk, posted them some places, played with the pup and then me and Gog ate. I asked Gog how my mood seemed to him throughout the day, and he wasn’t sure. Bit of this, bit of that.
Working out what my mood is, or what’s going on inside my head, is so hard sometimes. I don’t understand it and I can’t do it anymore…moods used to be so easy to determine (depressed, stable, manic, depressed, stable; we knew them ) but now they are monsters.
Am I depressed now or am I manic? What about when my mood seems fine but I’m still hallucinating?
What the hell is happening? I’m tired.
The fleeting thoughts of suicide are still there. I don’t even feel that bad, but they’re there – kill yourself before it gets worse, or you’re sick of all this, this is no life. Just end it.
I’m not actively suicidal, I’m not planning anything. I just have these fleeting thoughts, and my head is trying to convince me it’s the best decision I could ever make…and it is damn convincing! I am tired, and I am fed up. I have been battling a severe illness for 7+ years now, and in that time it has evolved and gotten worse and worse. This IS no life.
But I won’t kill myself. I won’t leave Gog. I could kill myself if it wasn’t for him.