Ignore me, I look fine

Anon here – this is something I struggle with, massively.

I am bad at showing how I feel, especially how badly I feel. Around strangers, or friends I don’t know very well, I will almost always seem completely fine…I remember as a teen walking to a viaduct to commit suicide, and someone stopping and asking me for directions – I was able to talk to them like a pro, they wouldn’t have had a clue…twenty minutes later someone was asking me if I was okay and talking me off the edge of a viaduct.

This is a huge issue with professionals as even when I am dangerously depressed and there’s a real risk to my life, I am sat opposite them chatting and answering questions calmly.

With my parents I will never show them how I’m doing; with them I’m always energetic, talkative and funny…it’s exhausting. Sometimes cracks may show ever so slightly (maybe I get annoyed easily or am slightly quieter than usual), but I can gloss over them and cover them with my mask.

Even with my partner, who I am closer to than anybody else, it doesn’t show how I’m doing unless I am at my fucking worst.

The past few days I’ve been a wreck; mind-numbing sadness and despair, constant thoughts of suicide, hopelessness and desolation.

There have been moments where Gog has been aware something is off and I’m not doing good, but he hasn’t a clue how bad it has been, not really.

I’ve tried dropping hints, because I *want* him to understand and be aware, but…he’s not very good with hints 😛

Last night I showed him my mood chart thinking that would help –  I’ve rated 9 on the suicide scale these past few days – but because I seemed fine when I was showing him it, he didn’t get the significance.

Tonight he was about to take our puppy for a walk, and I was torn…part of me wanted to have a slapdash suicide attempt; the other half wanted to hold out and plan it better – but how could I tell him when it’s something I struggle with so much?

I ended up typing “I’m planning to od” on the laptop and turning the screen to him.

That broke down the walls; it got him to understand I really wasn’t doing good and start asking questions, and it enabled me to answer honestly and feel understood and relieved.

Sometimes people really want to talk about how they’re feeling, and help others understand, but they have no idea how to get the ball rolling

I’ve reached a point where I know suicide is the answer…I’ve weighed up the pros and cons and thought a long time about it. I’m not rushing it, I’m not sure when / if I’ll go through with it, but I am sure it would be the right thing to do.

If someone presented me with a button right now and said “if you push this you will immediately and painlessly die” I wouldn’t do it, this is not an impulse thing…

It’s hard to explain.

Right now I am not living, not really. I HATE being told ‘things will get better’ – they might not, you don’t know that. I first experienced depression around the age of 8 and since then it has gotten worse. I first experienced Bipolar symptoms when I was 19, and in seven years it’s now fantastically worse.

I haven’t been stable for around three years; I am not living my life, I am having a shit time and I don’t see why I should carry on living because other people tell me to.

Again, I am not going to commit suicide any time soon.

The urge is there, the thoughts are constant, but I am being cautious. There’s no rush.


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