From the murky depths to the skies

For the past month I have been very depressed; before that I had three weeks of mania. Now that I keep a chart, I have exact details of my episodes.

On 1st April we went to A&E (which was horrifying) because I was struggling with the suicidal depression…then yesterday, 4th April, I woke up heading towards mania.

Completely out the blue, with absolutely no previous symptoms.

Because the A&E trip was so traumatic, I guess it could have been caused by that – but still: yay, rapid cycling Bipolar…!

I’m not manic yet, just hypomanic.

Symptoms include lack of sleep (because of course – atm I’m getting about 6 hours, but not good sleep, I wake A LOT during the night). I have the energy, the irritability, and I feel fairly happy. I know  that as this manic episode continues I’ll get more psychotic, more angry, my thoughts will race and I’ll end up not sleeping at all. Until then, I’m trying to enjoy it.

The day-to-day differences with Bipolar is something I struggle with most.

I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that a few days ago I wanted to kill myself.

I was in extreme emotional pain, and everyday I was in physical pain too. I didn’t move off the couch. I cried, I slept a lot, I self-harmed and everything was a struggle.

Then the very next day I woke up, I leapt out of bed and began *doing* things. In one day I did three dog walks ranging from 45-60 minutes – I hadn’t managed a 15 minute dog walk a day prior to that!

I carried a heavy pet cage upstairs. I fed all the pets (something I hadn’t been able to do for weeks; my partner had taken over responsibility) and cleaned several cages. I went from struggling to get to the toilet to barely sitting still…in just 24 hours.

How can that happen?! And how are you supposed to be able to cope with that, or understand it?

Although I’m better off now, I’m still nowhere near okay, and I don’t want anyone reading this blog to think “well she’s fine now!”

I still have psychosis all the time. I am still planning to kill myself (don’t know how, don’t know when) because it is the only option – I KNOW this hypomania will turn into full-blown mania, and I also know there will be another horrific depressive episode following it.

My sleep is fucked (I’m nocturnal again…) and we can’t afford to let me spend any money – which I WILL want to do – because after the manic episode a month ago we still barely have any.

I can’t live like this.

But right now, with me hypomanic, this is as good as it ever gets with my illness, so I’ll enjoy it while I can 🙂

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