Gog here, I haven’t blogged in a while, sorry.
I made an emergency GP appointment yesterday after speaking with Bipolar UK, and at the GP appointment I explained our history and that we wanted to be fast tracked straight to a psychiatrist. Anon was extremely fidgety with manic energy and nerves, but she managed to speak a few times and answer questions. Other than speaking fast she did great.
The GP was initially fantastic, and really couldn’t believe when I told her that after going to A&E the NHS set the police on us.
She asked us to wait outside, then phoned the place that’s been trying to get us to see just social workers. After about ten minutes she called us back in.
She had spoken with the social worker, the one that made Anon cry, the one Anon has a lot of fears and paranoia about. That wasn’t good, I wish the GP hadn’t told us that…
The GP said we had to wait to be allocated a social worker; even if we didn’t want to see them, we had to have one before we could be seen by a psychiatrist – wtf?
She said someone should be in touch in several weeks, to arrange an appointment – so essentially we’re back to waiting with absolutely zero support. She also ‘advised’ us not to go to A&E in the meantime as it’s not a nice atmosphere for Anon, but instead to call CRHT.
(I’d just told her last time I rang they wouldn’t come out. Even though Anon was psychotic, panicked and suicidal, Crisis Team only talked about ‘calm breathing’)
So…the appointment wasn’t a great success, but I thought it went okay. Anon on the other hand, it broke her.
She became extremely panicked and her paranoia / psychosis was out of control. She was sure that the social worker had ‘infected’ the GP and changed the way she thought. I couldn’t grasp whether Anon thought this was something she’d said (“Anon’s a non-compliant patient, we’ve tried to help her” etc) or something more supernatural, but whatever.
Anon became very suicidal – I could totally see why, that tiny speck of hope we’d had after speaking with Bipolar UK had been shot down. A minimum of two weeks is a LONG time to wait when you’ve been waiting since November and are struggling so much as Anon.
Anon began begging me to let her kill herself – “think how much of an impact it would have! We’ve been trying to get help for so long, we just had another unhelpful appointment and then – BAM! I kill myself! Think how much of a positive change you could make if it happened, it’d be so worth it!”…yeah, it wouldn’t.
Bless Anon, she is trying so hard to find ways to cope at the moment, it’s so admirable. It’s incredible.
Can you imagine trying so hard to help yourself feel better, and seeing no improvement? Can you imagine trying so hard to help yourself, all on your own, with no support from the NHS?
Yesterday, whilst manic, suicidal and bubbling with rage, here are the following ways she tried to ‘bounce back’ and calm herself:
go for a walk, talking, photography, shouting, talking to friends, playing verbal games, going home and interacting with our pets…
I kept her safe.
It took about three hours for her to even out a little, and she did really damn well. Then she spoke with some family who weren’t very good (telling her she “just” needs to travel to the appointments) and she spiraled into rage and hopelessness again…
She’s trying so hard, we both are.
It’s especially difficult at the moment because Anon isn’t depressed. She explained to me yesterday she wasn’t sad at all, she was bubbling with energy in fact. She was absolutely fuming and very suicidal, but she wasn’t sad. Suicide seems like the only logical solution to Anon, it has done for weeks…she can’t live like this, they won’t help her. What else is she supposed to do?