Several weeks’ wait

Gog here, I haven’t blogged in a while, sorry.

I made an emergency GP appointment yesterday after speaking with Bipolar UK, and at the GP appointment I explained our history and that we wanted to be fast tracked straight to a psychiatrist. Anon was extremely fidgety with manic energy and nerves, but she managed to speak a few times and answer questions. Other than speaking fast she did great.

The GP was initially fantastic, and really couldn’t believe when I told her that after going to A&E the NHS set the police on us.

She asked us to wait outside, then phoned the place that’s been trying to get us to see just social workers. After about ten minutes she called us back in.

She had spoken with the social worker, the one that made Anon cry, the one Anon has a lot of fears and paranoia about. That wasn’t good, I wish the GP hadn’t told us that…

The GP said we had to wait to be allocated a social worker; even if we didn’t want to see them, we had to have one before we could be seen by a psychiatrist – wtf?

She said someone should be in touch in several weeks, to arrange an appointment – so essentially we’re back to waiting with absolutely zero support. She also ‘advised’ us not to go to A&E in the meantime as it’s not a nice atmosphere for Anon, but instead to call CRHT.

(I’d just told her last time I rang they wouldn’t come out. Even though Anon was psychotic, panicked and suicidal, Crisis Team only talked about ‘calm breathing’)

So…the appointment wasn’t a great success, but I thought it went okay. Anon on the other hand, it broke her.

She became extremely panicked and her paranoia / psychosis was out of control. She was sure that the social worker had ‘infected’ the GP and changed the way she thought. I couldn’t grasp whether Anon thought this was something she’d said (“Anon’s a non-compliant patient, we’ve tried to help her”  etc) or something more supernatural, but whatever.

Anon became very suicidal – I could totally see why, that tiny speck of hope we’d had after speaking with Bipolar UK had been shot down. A minimum of two weeks is a LONG time to wait when you’ve been waiting since November and are struggling so much as Anon.

Anon began begging me to let her kill herself – “think how much of an impact it would have! We’ve been trying to get help for so long, we just had another unhelpful appointment and then – BAM! I kill myself! Think how much of a positive change you could make if it happened, it’d be so worth it!”…yeah, it wouldn’t.

Bless Anon, she is trying so hard to find ways to cope at the moment, it’s so admirable. It’s incredible.

Can you imagine trying so hard to help yourself feel better, and seeing no improvement? Can you imagine trying so hard to help yourself, all on your own, with no support from the NHS?

Yesterday, whilst manic, suicidal and bubbling with rage, here are the following ways she tried to ‘bounce back’ and calm herself:

go for a walk, talking, photography, shouting, talking to friends, playing verbal games, going home and interacting with our pets…

I kept her safe.

It took about three hours for her to even out a little, and she did really damn well. Then she spoke with some family who weren’t very good (telling her she “just” needs to travel to the appointments) and she spiraled into rage and hopelessness again…

She’s trying so hard, we both are.

It’s especially difficult at the moment because Anon isn’t depressed. She explained to me yesterday she wasn’t sad at all, she was bubbling with energy in fact. She was absolutely fuming and very suicidal, but she wasn’t sad. Suicide seems like the only logical solution to Anon, it has done for weeks…she can’t live like this, they won’t help her. What else is she supposed to do?


8 thoughts on “Several weeks’ wait

  1. I wrote some days ago, but only now realised that my comment disappeared. The essence: it might be a false analogy, but in my country it is more and more common that people try to find a private doctor if the public health care system fails for them. Perhaps you should try to visit a private psychiatrist at least a few times – in order to show him/her your medication history and recent problems, etc. It is clear that you cannot afford this on the long run but a really good doctor could find a way to a colleague at a hospital or other institution which are available for you.
    If you type “private practice psychiatrist England” in Google, some promising sites come up.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the comment and suggestion 🙂

      Unfortunately we just can’t afford to get private help…a private appt with a psychiatrist can cost anywhere between £240 – £450, and you might need a follow up appt before they would prescribe meds…even if you do get a prescription, from what we have read (because we have been looking into private health care) you can’t continue a private prescription on the NHS, so you would be back to the start with no medication…

      It’s something we’re continually looking into and speaking to mental health charities about, but alongside manic episodes and benefits refusing to give Anon the rate she should be at, we don’t have any money to spare…


      • Yes, it is clear that private health care is extremely expensive, and it is likely that my idea is completely unrealistic, but I thought that 2-3 sessions with a really good psychiatrist could be enough for finding a starting point into the right direction (what is the problem and what might be the best solution candidates), and, what is more important, if you tell the doc your background, I think there is a chance that he/she won’t see his/her financial benefit but tries to find you a colleague who could give you professional and affordable help. Anon’s parents might give you some help.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, I understand completely…we would love to be able to afford private healthcare, as it seems like the only way we’ll ever actually get support, but at this point in time we couldn’t even afford one initial consultation…I want to ring Bipolar UK on Monday to see if they have any further thoughts about Anon’s treatment, so I’ll ask if they have any extra information about private healthcare and costs too…

        Unfortunately her family wouldn’t be willing to help with funds, it’s pretty much just us on our own…we do okay, it’s just tiring everything always being a struggle 🙂


      • Getting in touch with Bipolar UK seems to be a really good idea. It might be very difficult to remain calm and focused during such conversations, but I’m sure you can do it! You both are really so smart and intelligent in relation to every aspect of Anon’s illness (and many other things, such as pet-related things) – this should be realised by them, too, as well as the heroic fight and the desperate need for help. A little bit of luck could work wonders!


  2. Pingback: From 0 to 100 | Bipolar-and-Us

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