What am I?!

This past week I’m doing better than I have in a long, long time – last time I was this close to good was over 3 years ago.

(I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing better because we have given up trying to get help, so the constant stress of that is gone. We’re putting no pressure  on ourselves & are trying very hard to listen to what my body is saying)

I’m slightly hypomanic, but I am doing good. It is amazing, and 50% of the time I’m actually enjoying things 😀

A fairly other significant chunk is spent worrying and spotting things that *could* be symptoms of an incoming episode:

“Oh god I feel sad about a pet being really ill, am I going to fall into a terrible low?! Oh god I’m stressed as we have no money after the last manic, will it trigger an episode?! Shit I got hardly any sleep last night, am I manic??”

And then I’m also having a few shitty symptoms…I still have this spacey head.

It’s been going on about two or three weeks now, but we thought it was because I had been taking just one Codeine on an almost daily basis, to deal with physical pain – when I took three Codeine we thought the really bad spacey head I had that same day was a result of that.

I haven’t had Codeine in six days, and the spacey episodes continue…

Out the blue I get lagging vision, feel the entire world isn’t real, I feel pressure behind one eye sometimes, I can’t think / talk / focus on more than one thing at once…so if watching TV I can listen to what the characters are saying, but I can’t watch it at the same time, or process it. If I’m thinking inside my head I can’t concentrate on anything else.

These episodes last 1 – 4 hours, and they freak me the fuck out.

They’re different than anything I’ve experienced before, the closest I can remember is when I don’t believe the world is real, a psychotic symptom, or when I feel absolute terror and dissociate.

It’s been happening 1 – 3 times a day usually to the point where I can’t do anything for several hours…and it IS scary. (don’t think it happened badly yesterday though)

Because I also have a lot of health anxieties (anxiety never sounds strong enough, it’s terror) it has me so scared I have a brain tumour.

I keep thinking a lot about dying, getting sick, my partner and dogs being left alone, not having enough time with him or making the most of it…it’s extremely scary and I cry a few times a day through fear and sadness.

My partner is being awesome at being supportive and reassuring me, and we can go to the GP to check…but I’m scared about that for several reasons:

  1. As I said I’m doing well now, and as appts are terrifying for me one simple GP appt could easily trigger a bad episode
  2. We might have to get further help, further stressful investigations (blood tests, scans etc), and that would most certainly trigger an episode
  3. What if the GP didn’t take me seriously? What if they said it was just a symptom of my MH, and something is actually seriously physically wrong?

The last point really scares me, and it’s something a lot of people without mental illnesses don’t understand.

If you go to the Dr with physical symptoms and you also have a chronic / serious mental illness, it’s almost always blamed on your mental health.

Tight chest, headaches, neck pain, back pain, rapid heartbeat, constant hallucinations…these are all things that have been blamed on me being Bipolar, with no further testing.

I just want to be taken seriously. If a ‘normal’ person went in with these new symptoms (and they are new to me too) they would be taken seriously…whereas for me we’ll probably have to fight for that right.

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2 thoughts on “What am I?!

    • Then I imagine your life sucks too, I’m sorry to hear this and I hope you’re getting the support you need (or any support at all!)

      Like

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