banging my head on a wall

When I’m manic like this I struggle in lots of ways.

Something I find hardest is the boredom. If I’m not doing something that is either very active or very involving, I am battling boredom. The instant I stop doing something, I am struck with the most intense boredom.

Now this isn’t just normal boredom. It’s I can’t think or move or talk or be happy boredom. It’s hard to explain quite how horrible this is or how excruciatingly mentally painful it is.

It’s horrible.

And when you couple it with racing thoughts, thoughts whirring around your head so fast you can’t understand any of them so you just sit and you just stare at a wall and you’re bored bored BORED…it’s awful. I don’t think I can explain it right, I think it needs a different word to boredom because it’s…more.

Anyway. I’m struggling to sleep a lot again. Lucky if I’m getting six hours a night, which is actually a lot when I’m this manic…Gog says I am quite very manic. I think I’m more hypomanic.

I was rageous for a week right up to a few days ago. Everything pissed me off and I kept trying to break up with Gog because I thought our relationship sucked and we hated each other and blah blah blah…we’ve been together almost 7 years and we adore each other, so that was fun thinking.

Today we’ve had a great, if active, day. Feel sorry for Gog, he hasn’t stopped once…he’ll be ready for bed soon and I’ll be just there, awake, staring at the ceiling bored whilst thoughts bounce around like pinballs in my head.

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