I’m a fucking idiot

**trigs for suicide and overdose stuff**

Whenever I’m having a hard time, it feels like my brain’s solution to make things better is to make everything worse…

It’s been like this for as long as I can remember – when I was at Primary school I remember (accidentally) banging my head and going to the dinner lady in tears, who sent me away because there was no mark…I then decided to bang my head repeatedly until it was bleeding, and go back and insist my head hurt.

When my parents used to yell about how lazy and disgusting I was, I would cut the word ‘ugly’ onto my arm so I could never forget what I was.

Any times I’m badly psychotic and having warped thoughts, or if we’ve just found out we have no money because I spent it all whilst manic, my brain leaps to suicide as a solution to all problems.

I am a fucking moron.

Yesterday was a really tough day – I mean I’m in a low episode, so of course every day’s a slog, but yesterday was really bad.

The icing on the cake was when our puppy flipped out in her crate after she’d been doing so well with crate training, and I fell off the deep end.

I became somewhat hysterical, I was full of panic and rage, and I lost touch with reality…my brain was also speeding at 100mph even though I’m nowhere near manic.

I ended up overdosing when my partner took our puppy to the toilet, and because I knew I didn’t have long I was chugging whatever I could…it was by no means a suicide attempt, more an ‘I need to cope somehow I feel absolutely terrible, quick overdose!’

My brain thought it would be a really good idea.

I didn’t take enough that we thought I needed hospital, but I’m annoyed because I haven’t had a substantial overdose in years…it’s something I’ve been trying so hard to avoid and I’ve done everything I can not to do it.

When I feel that intensely bad, and especially when I’ve lost touch with reality, I don’t have any coping mechanisms.

Listening to music, reading, walking, colouring and playing video games are all fine when I feel ‘pretty bad but not terrible’…but when I’m at my worst, they don’t touch the sides. In fact a lot of them make me feel angrier or lonelier.

And that’s when I struggle.

I struggle not to swallow pills, or self-harm, or break my wrist…and the worst thing is, if I fight off the urges and manage not to follow any of them, I know I’ll end up feeling suicidal and battling a suicide attempt instead. So I just don’t know what to do.

My damn brain 😦

First of all it fucks things up with these stupid mood swings, and then it fucks me up by insisting that in order to make this situation better, all I need to do is make it worse….

*sigh*

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4 thoughts on “I’m a fucking idiot

  1. Only you can break the cycle and you have the strenght to do it. I cant stess the word “constructive” enough when it comes to opposite action. Please dont hurt yourself. You are worth the world and deserve to feel good inside and out. Please be well and if you want to talk im here for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I relate so much to this piece. It takes very little to trigger me. Sometimes I’m okay when something goes wrong. Other times I’m really not. It usually results in self-harm, more hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. Its scary to not be able to fully trust yourself. Just like you I know what calms me, like music and writing. But when things are really bad, nothing helps. I just have to let things run their course and make sure I’m safe.
    I’ve been checking out your blog and I really like what I’ve read. I’m glad I found it!

    Liked by 1 person

    • That is exactly how I feel! Sometimes I can cope with things happening that would have a ‘normal’ person struggling, whereas other times I step in a puddle and spend the rest of the day crying and hating the world / myself.

      Thank you, that’s a lovely comment to make about the blog and I really appreciate it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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