I always accepted my Bipolar diagnosis, because I fit all the criteria.
Before 2014 I was diagnosed with MDD, but when that didn’t explain the manic symptoms, they tried BPD…but I missed the key symptoms there, like fear of abandonment and black and white thinking.
Even so that damn label stuck for several years before they slapped me with Bipolar, and after looking it up online, I agreed.
In fact it felt reassuring to finally know what was ‘wrong’ with me, and not have to repeatedly explain why I didn’t feel like BPD was right…with Bipolar I had the symptoms, the pattern; everything made sense.
Now, some six years after first presenting Bipolar symptoms, I don’t fit the diagnosis anymore.
My mood is all over the place – at some points in the day I am wildly energetic and speeding, at others I am suicidal and tearful.
My mood doesn’t respond to triggers – one second I’ll be happy, the next suicidal. Or sometimes tiny triggers cause huge shifts in mood. Sleep makes no difference in my mood, for example after sleeping so much last night I spent the first half of today speeding.
Earlier in the day I cut all my hair off – not in my usual manic way (I have a habit of shaving my hair really short when manic), oh no, this time I used a strimmer to get it as short as possible, then used Gog’s shaving foam and a razor to get all my hair off.
I was anxious and racing and energetic. I cut my hair because I was bored, because I was sure it was a great idea, and also so that if I became ill and lost my hair…well, it would already be gone!
Now, five hours later, I am incredibly catastrophically low. I can’t talk or answer questions with anything other than a shrug, a ‘yes’, or a ‘no’.
I’m feeling destroyed about things that happened in the past; some happened months ago, some years. I’ve always sucked at letting go of the past, things I did at primary school still mortify me…it’s always been a downfall of mine.
I’m still having psychotic symptoms 24/7. You don’t get that with Bipolar.
My sleep habits (try to) change all the time; not just the amount I sleep but when, too. For no reason sometimes my body tries to be nocturnal – when I let it, I’d go from sleeping 11pm-9am to 6am-4pm overnight, and it would last for months before changing back.
My personal hygeine is shot to shit, no matter the mood…either I don’t care, I’m too busy, or I don’t have the strength to shower and brush my teeth. At least I don’t have hair to bother with anymore…
Everyday it feels like things change and get a little worse.
I honestly don’t think I have Bipolar anymore, I don’t think my symptoms can / should be classed as that. I do think anti-psychotic medication or possibly a mood stabiliser would help, but that’s not a possibility.
After continuously fighting for a psychiatric evaluation since November 2015 and not getting one (but repeatedly been promised one in a few weeks’ time), I don’t have the strength to continue that battle anymore. Besides, the ball’s in their court, they’re the ones who’re supposed to be ringing us!
I won’t go to any mental health appts anyway. These days they freak me out too much. At this point I feel like some of the worst appts have traumatised me…I bruise easily.
I honestly don’t believe getting professional help does anything positive. I’ve spent years doing everything they wanted me to; taking every medication, going to crappy accupuncture that I hated but did to shut my bullying SW up, going to pointless meetings with social workers every few weeks and sitting in silence as they either offered bland advice or drove me to tears…those years of jumping through hoops left me just as ill as I am now, in different ways.
I don’t need to be told to ‘keep fighting’ or ‘just try one more appt’ or ‘just phone the service up and ask what’s happening’…we did all that for months, and now I am past the point of being able to cope with any of it.
If I get any comments that advise me to phone someone / keep trying to get professional help, they’ll either be deleted, ignored, or given a nasty response…I apologise, but that is not needed right now.