I’m not Bipolar

I always accepted my Bipolar diagnosis, because I fit all the criteria.

Before 2014 I was diagnosed with MDD, but when that didn’t explain the manic symptoms, they tried BPD…but I missed the key symptoms there, like fear of abandonment and black and white thinking.

Even so that damn label stuck for several years before they slapped me with Bipolar, and after looking it up online, I agreed.

In fact it felt reassuring to finally know what was ‘wrong’ with me, and not have to repeatedly explain why I didn’t feel like BPD was right…with Bipolar I had the symptoms, the pattern; everything made sense.

Now, some six years after first presenting Bipolar symptoms, I don’t fit the diagnosis anymore.

My mood is all over the place – at some points in the day I am wildly energetic and speeding, at others I am suicidal and tearful.

My mood doesn’t respond to triggers – one second I’ll be happy, the next suicidal. Or sometimes tiny triggers cause huge shifts in mood. Sleep makes no difference in my mood, for example after sleeping so much last night I spent the first half of today speeding.

Earlier in the day I cut all my hair off – not in my usual manic  way (I have a habit of shaving my hair really short when manic), oh no, this time I used a strimmer to get it as short as possible, then used Gog’s shaving foam and a razor to get all my hair off.

I was anxious and racing and energetic. I cut my hair because I was bored, because I was sure it was a great idea, and also so that if I became ill and lost my hair…well, it would already be gone!

Now, five hours later, I am incredibly catastrophically low. I can’t talk or answer questions with anything other than a shrug, a ‘yes’, or a ‘no’.

I’m feeling destroyed about things that happened in the past; some happened months ago, some years. I’ve always sucked at letting go of the past, things I did at primary school still mortify me…it’s always been a downfall of mine.

I’m still having psychotic symptoms 24/7. You don’t get that with Bipolar.

My sleep habits (try to) change all the time; not just the amount I sleep but when, too. For no reason sometimes my body tries to be nocturnal – when I let it, I’d go from sleeping 11pm-9am to 6am-4pm overnight, and it would last for months before changing back.

My personal hygeine is shot to shit, no matter the mood…either I don’t care, I’m too busy, or I don’t have the strength to shower and brush my teeth. At least I don’t have hair to bother with anymore…

Everyday it feels like things change and get a little worse.

I honestly don’t think I have Bipolar anymore, I don’t think my symptoms can / should be classed as that. I do think anti-psychotic medication or possibly a mood stabiliser would help, but that’s not a possibility.

After continuously fighting for a psychiatric evaluation since November 2015 and not getting one (but repeatedly been promised one in a few weeks’ time), I don’t have the strength to continue that battle anymore. Besides, the ball’s in their court, they’re the ones who’re supposed to be ringing us!

I won’t go to any mental health appts anyway. These days they freak me out too much. At this point I feel like some of the worst appts have traumatised me…I bruise easily.

I honestly don’t believe getting professional help does anything positive. I’ve spent years doing everything they wanted me to; taking every medication, going to crappy accupuncture that I hated but did to shut my bullying SW up, going to pointless meetings with social workers every few weeks and sitting in silence as they either offered bland advice or drove me to tears…those years of jumping through hoops left me just as ill as I am now, in different ways.

I don’t need to be told to ‘keep fighting’ or ‘just try one more appt’ or ‘just phone the service up and ask what’s happening’…we did all that for months, and now I am past the point of being able to cope with any of it.

If I get any comments that advise me to phone someone / keep trying to get professional help, they’ll either be deleted, ignored, or given a nasty response…I apologise, but that is not needed right now.

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8 thoughts on “I’m not Bipolar

  1. I am so sorry for your suffering.I wish I could offer you words of comfort. These new psychotic symptoms must be terrifying. Have you got a partner, family to support you or a pet to cuddle? At least you are on here sharing and hopefully getting some acknowledgement. Sending you strength, even though I know this doesn’t really change anything. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • This comment means the world to me, thank you so much for such an incredible comment, I am sat here smiling 🙂

      I am lucky to have both an amazingly awesome (and patient!) partner, and a house full of animals…although on their difficult days the dogs especially have been known to drive me up the wall a little!

      Thank you again, really.

      Like

  2. So much of it is guess work. First they told me I was bipolar 1,then bipolar2, now Schizoaffective disorder. They’re constantly adding and subtracting my meds. I know it can be so frustrating. Especially when you’ve sought help over a long period of time and don’t feel like you’re getting anywhere.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for this comment. It’s ridiculous isn’t it…when I was diagnosed BPD they actually put in less effort with me after the diagnosis. I guess because a lot of MH professionals see people with BPD as difficult / impossible to help. When we tried to explain why the criteria didn’t fit me we were constantly ignored and belittled…then all of a sudden the diagnosis was changed to Bipolar disorder, and all they wanted was for me to take lots of medications!

      It would be much nicer if professionals just responded to symptoms and didn’s snatch at diagnoses…I found it really hard to throw off the BPD label, they referred to me as ‘a Borderline’ for years, and I never once thought it was a correct label. It feels like once they’ve decided I have something they really resent the effort of changing it 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It seems to be extremely hard to find a good specialist. But it should not be impossible! There are pro bono services, too, for example, here: http://www.cinaps.co.uk/.
    We had a very hard time with my mom’s stoma bag because it leaked again and again. Normally, we changed a bag every 3 days, but some weeks ago, we had to change them every 3 hours! It was terrible, we had to go to the hospital to an oncologist and to a bone scan and were in panic what will happen if the bag starts to leak there. We had zero help from our official stoma nurse. But the nurse who took care of my mom’s wounds on her belly, could give us a phone number of a fantastic stoma nurse. She visited us and we were able to solve the problem together.
    Don’t give up the search for a good professional. I’ve also learned a lot and got lots of help from internet forums. Sometimes fellow sufferers can be more helpful. Maybe you find somebody in your neighbourhood and can suggest you a reliable psychiatrist.

    Like

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