Things are tough

Gog here.

Things were already tough enough, but then the puppy we found injured her leg, and now she is on 6 weeks crate rest. We’re managing crate rest pretty well (in fact thanks to various methods she’s been in the crate less than 2 hours total in 4 days) but it is really, really exhausting.

Our puppy is now full of pent-up energy and even though we’re giving her exciting and unusual things to play with (a croc, coconut, tolet roll, paper bags etc) she is saying nope guys, I am bored of everything now.

Alongside Anon’s general symptoms and struggles, we had the huge stress and terror that our puppy was badly injured (at first it was thought she had a broken leg) and of course the costs that brings with it.

I’m still waiting for Anon to fall off the deep end and have a really intense manic or depressive episode, but so far (I have no idea how) she is managing to hold onto her usual level.

I discovered the other day she’s having really negative thoughts about herself…this is something I haven’t experienced to this level since our early years together, when she really hated herself and blamed herself for absolutely everything. She’s never liked herself, or thought anything positive about herself…but she was accepting that I thought she was awesome 🙂

But recently she’s been telling me to stop saying nice things to her as it makes her uncomfortable (from ‘thank you that was really helpful’ to ‘I love you’) and she told me a few days ago she absolutely despises herself, inside and out.

It makes me really sad she feels this way. I know she tries so hard in everything she does. I love her to bits and in several ways she is extremely talented – as a dog trainer (she’s very instinctive, it comes so easily to her), a pet owner (she designs amazing habitats for our pets), a writer…she’s good at so many things. And she does know this…but she hates herself with a passion.

She also can’t stand the times when she is nasty to me, or our dogs. When she snaps or gets angry over little things. Psychotic symptoms warp her thinking sometimes, and she gets furious about this afterwards too…she HATES that she’s mean to those she loves, or that she can’t trust her own thinking.

It’s sad.

When our puppy injured herself Anon spent the entire night crying as she was 100% sure it was her fault it had happened. I kept asking her how could it have been, and everytime was a different reason; she wouldn’t listen when I said that it was nobody’s fault, accidents happen.

Although all this makes it sound like she’s in a depressive episode, she isn’t really.

She has large chunks of the day where she is clearly very depressed (varying from tearful to comatose to suicidal), but for other parts of the day she can get things done (eg. cleaning out pet cages) – I don’t prompt her, she just has energy and WANTS to do these things. She’s also sleeping on average 7-8 hours a night, which is a few hours less than she sleeps when stable, and about 8 hours less than when she’s depressed.

At some points in the day we’re bobbing along, struggling but more or less managing. Then at some points it feels like the hardest thing, and I worry if I even have to leave Anon to go cook food.


3 thoughts on “Things are tough

  1. Sho, Seems like you guys are having a tough time. Have you ever considered that she might be having a mixed episode or suffering from intense mood dysregulation? About the negative self-view, No amount of external affirmation can change that. For me therapy helped me discover my value, but it didn’t come easy or quick.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We have thought maybe she’s having a mixed episode, but can’t find anything concrete about what a mood episode actually feels like for the person with Bipolar – sites list symptoms (eg. feeling sad AND energetic) but there’s no personal experience of how it feels, or talk of feeling manic one moment and extremely depressed the next. I’ve never heard of mood dysregulation, so that’s something to look into!


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