Suicidal

Hit me like a ton of bricks.

I can’t live anymore, I don’t deserve to live anymore, this isn’t a life.

I’m screaming and crying on the inside, but on the outside I can’t even talk. I look bored if anything. Gog asks me something; I shrug or shake my head. I can’t talk or let out any emotion, because I’ll break into a million pieces.

I think this is why nobody understands when I’m really ill, because I don’t show it…I’m not sat here in tears, or screaming…I’m blank. Closed off. In the past I’ve told social workers I feel desperate and suicidal, but they saw someone who looked okay and judged me on that.

I wish people understood.

I sat staring at a suicide prevention online chat for over an hour tonight, trying to work up the courage to talk to someone…I don’t deserve to talk to someone, I’d be wasting their time…I finally hit the ‘chat to someone’ button, but all the trained volunteers were busy. I suck at talking to people anyway.

Gog’s here so I’m not in danger, unless I planned and timed it all very well, but I don’t think he’ll leave me alone anyway now. He knows I feel pretty damn bad.

I’m just too tired to talk. I physically can’t get the words out.

I’m extremely depressed. I’m anxious. I have this burning self-hatred and I feel like I’m drowning…I’m not good enough to live. I’m not good enough to talk to Gog. I don’t love him enough. I don’t tell him he’s good enough. It’s my fault things go wrong; it was my fault our puppy hurt her leg. I deserve to feel like this. I don’t deserve help. I’m a lazy, selfish, horrible bitch. I am disgusting.

I’m being worn down. I’ve been worn down.

This blog is so eloquent and I’m such a mess, I don’t understand it. I feel like this blog reads how I look on the outside.

I’m not in danger, that’s not the worry here. I wish it was the worry, I wish I could act on this…not knowing how long this is going to last is possibly the worst thing.

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3 thoughts on “Suicidal

  1. Don’t loose hope! Yes your things all will be a mess, but don’t stay there look into your future! Greater things are awaiting you! Depression isn’t a solution but hope is. Even the stormy seas calms down for a while so does life. So relax everything’s gonna be fine. Greater things awaits you ahead!

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    • Thanks for trying to spread hope. I don’t really see how there is any hope though, the future just looks miserable – in the past 7 years my mental health has gotten worse and I never get any relief from it. I don’t see why that won’t just continue…

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      • Don’t worry the more the number of days pass, you’re one day closer to good days ahead!
        You know Joseph in Bible? He was put in jail for 13 long years for not doing anything wrong! He was from a very good family, but his own brothers sold him as a slave and later ended up in jail. Everyone thought that’s the end and nothing more, but, that wasn’t the end it was just a beginning he ended up in the prison for 13 long years however he came out of there and became the prime minister of Egypt! If he had done it why not something better or great things not happen in your life?

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