Panic and Valium

The past few days I’ve been taking Valium as needed.

I have Valium left over from when I was really psychotic, and all the crap GP we saw wanted to do was dope me out of my eyeballs…the first few days I took the dose he prescribed, and I was so zombied out I couldn’t move or talk.

We lowered the dose ourselves, so we have a lot left over.

I’ve been feeling so terrified these past few days that I’ve been taking 2.5mg of Valium whenever I need to, and it’s been immensely helpful. It winds the panic down to anxiety, which I can cope with.

This morning I’m so scared, for no apparent reason. I’m trembling, I feel sick, my heart is racing, and my palms are sweating. I feel on the verge of a panic attack.

I think what’s triggered this immense terror is that we’ve said we’re going to call the charity Bipolar UK today, and even though that shouldn’t be scary at all…apparently it is.

My mood is still extremely low. My psychosis has been worse than usual for a week or so now, so I guess the increase in anxiety could be linked to that too. I feel drained and scrambled.

I just raged at my partner because he talked about him ‘trying to keep me safe’, and I asked him if he realised how fucking cruel he was being. Yes, he’s trying to keep me physically safe, but he’s not lifting a fucking finger to try and help me mentally.

It’s TORTURE being unable to end this misery. I told him he’s like a zoo ‘rescuing’ an endangered animal, then letting it live for years in a tiny concrete enclosure. Sure it’s physically safe, but mentally it would have been better off dead.

It’s all well and good keeping me safe, but I also need help to fix my mental state. I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS.

Time to take half a Valium…

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