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Two good days in a row!!!

Not only have I been doing better than I have in a long time for the past week, but the past two days have been GOOD!

I honestly don’t remember the last time we had one truly good day, I think it was last summer, but having two in a row feels amazing 🙂

The most incredible thing was that both these good days involved me leaving the house, and not just that but going to busy places.

A month ago I couldn’t walk through our village or go to our local supermarket, because I would get so anxious.

I’d hear voices whispering that people were plotting against me, that everybody was spying on me – and I *knew* it was true. People were acting very suspiciously; people followed me and everybody watched me.

In the past few weeks I have met up with a friend and my parents several times (something I wasn’t able to do previously due to panic).

I have gone shopping, spoken to a few strangers even, and gone to busy places – an agricultural show, a kite festival etc. I definitely wasn’t able to do this a month ago, I couldn’t even leave the house!

My mood has been more stable, probably because the terror and panic has gone, and although I’m still experiencing hallucinations they’re of a different nature and I find they don’t make me so scared.

I’m dissociating A LOT, at least once a day for several hours, but even in that state I’m not anxious, or scared, whereas before I’d get very panicky and think it meant the world wasn’t real or I was being controlled.

Some days are entirely positive, and every day I have long chunks of time where I’m happy, content and enjoying myself.

I have energy, I’m sleeping okay, I’m extremely loving to my partner and pets.

I’m doing better than I have in years and years 🙂

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Sometimes days can be good

Mostly, this blog is a lot of doom and gloom, because a lot of our lives are difficult and miserable.

Well, today we had a really, really good day 🙂

We went to a kite festival, you can read all about the hilarities and see pics over on the other blog.

Not only was today a good day and we had a lot of laughs and a lot of fun, but I coped really well being out in public too, and at some points we were even in fairly busy areas. A few people even came up to give us advice about kite flying, and I didn’t think ‘shit they’re plotting to kill me’, I managed to respond to a few even!

The past few days have been the roughest since starting on Citalopram.

I don’t know why, but my anxiety has been highest than it has been the entire time, and my mood has been low. I’m still doing much better than pre-Citalopram times, but it hasn’t been fun.

Today, however, has been lots of fun 😉

Savour the good days!

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I feel like shit

I think it’s around two weeks I’ve been on Citalopram now.

Most the side effects have gone, or at least the nausea has. I still get full after just a few bites of food, I hardly ever feel hungry, and thinking about food (to plan meals) makes me feel ill.

I haven’t had an episode of panic since I started, I think the past four or five days I’ve had virtually no anxiety, and my energy levels have been good…maybe bordering on hypomanic a few times, but nothing major at all.

Psychosis is still the same, which at least means it hasn’t gotten any worse.

Today though I feel like absolute shit. I didn’t take my Citalopram last night because my chest felt tight and I had a big argument with Gog because he won’t let me cook for myself but none of the meals he prepares are in any way healthy, so I said if he wasn’t gonna let me eat healthy I wasn’t gonna take my med, in case it was doing anything to my heart.

Yesterday I was a little irritable or short tempered, but today I feel pretty damn low, and am really pissed off at the world and frustrated with everything.  I just want to sit and scream and cry, and tear my hair out.

I doubt all this was caused by missing one dose.

Fucking furious. Especially because I had been coping so well with so many things, and then the one day I lose it is the day we have a friend coming over…

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Caffeine sensitivity

Gog here. Recently we thought Anon was accidentally addicted to Codeine, after she had to take it a fair bit due to migraines.

She experienced a weird swimmy head when she hadn’t taken it, so we thought her body had become dependent on it. It was close to a week before the head went away.

Now is seems it wasn’t the Codeine causing issues after all (which makes sense, as she only needed one pill a day, and you can take up to 6 pills a day for 3 days in a row I think) – we think it’s the caffeine!

For the past few weeks we haven’t had Anon take Codeine when she has been in pain, instead we have used Ibuprofen or, when she started Citalopram, Paracetamol – Ibus shouldn’t be taken with Citalopram.

Today she took some extra strong Paracetamol, and about half an hour after taking two pills she was off her face.

Jittery, ‘numbly’ anxious, but with a ‘swimmy head’ – she says it feels kind of like being very drunk, or like her vision is lagging. Alongside this she can’t feel things properly, she feels sort of numb, her heart is faster than normal, and she can’t control what she is doing.

The only thing it could be is the caffeine, and it would make sense because the Codeine had added caffeine too!

Holy shit, I did not know people could be *this* sensitive to caffeine!!

Good job she doesn’t drink coffee, tea, energy drinks or pop! She does eat chocolate fine though. Here are a few articles I found on caffeine sensitivity:

Mental Illness or Caffeine Allergy?

http://www.doctoryourself.com/caffeine_allergy.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/02/20/varying-effects-of-caffeine_n_6671788.html

 

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Day 6 of Citalopram

Gog here.

I think today is day 6 of Anon taking Citalopram to try help her panic. I can’t say I’ve noticed any improvement in her mood or her anxiety, BUT we haven’t had a day of entire panic since. Hmm, coincidence?

It’s probably too early to tell still, but we can hope.

Side effects include weird sleep (struggling even more than usual to get to or remain asleep, although maybe this was happening before she started the drug and we didn’t notice properly) and nausea. Lots of nausea. And weird having no appetite, then getting instantly ravenous (which she has always done) but then filling and feeling sick after just a few bites of food.

The nausea and the sleep sucks, and what makes it suck more is she has taken Citalopram three different times prior to this, if I remember correctly, and it’s never once given her side effects before.

We have had an immensely stressful week, so I am relieved we are doing as ‘well’ as we are, in that Anon’s mood hasn’t hit crisis levels in either direction and, although she has cried a lot, she is managing better than I could have ever expected.

To cut a long story short we have had several completely unexpected pet deaths, and then the new kitten we adopted less than two weeks ago, well…he has a congenital health issue that is very serious.

We could put him through surgery, but it is immensely high risk. There’s an extremely high chance he would die, recovery would take months and months, and even if he recovered (because what he has is so rare) vets can’t be sure the operation would even help, or be sure the condition wouldn’t just return.

The condition is so rare our vet has never seen it, and none of the vets at our surgery are equipped to treat it, he would have to go to a specialist.

So our options were an operation that would cost around £3000 and could result in our kitten dying or not being at all improved, or return him to where we adopted him from and they would almost definitely have him put to sleep.

This was horrible. Devastating.

After talking with our vet and a friend who is a long-term cat owner, we have decided we will keep our kitten, and just love him and dote on him for as long as we have him.

He is the best cat in the world, and as long as he is happy, we will love him. If his symptoms worsen, or he becomes seriously ill, we will help him cross to rainbow bridge.