4

Today’s a struggle

Everything is weighing me down.

My mood, psychosis…just when I think I’m doing so good, the *tiniest* amount of stress tips me over the edge.

Today I was bobbing between ‘just about coping’ and ‘struggling significantly’, then I started trying to work out what to do about my dogs’ harness…and even though it shouldn’t have been stressful, even though it wouldn’t have been stressful in the slightest to most people, I hit the end of my tether.

I’m tired, tearful, and hallucinating…as ever. I’m feeling very panicky and pretty sure I’m starting to dissociate. And I’m on my own…lucky our foster pup is with me, just keep her close, it’s all fine.

I wish things were a little easier.

0

I’m a mess…oh wait, I feel okay

This mish mash of symptoms is driving me crazy. Literally I guess.

I’m dealing with so many bloody fluctuations a day I can’t cope. What one hour might seem like a good day the next seems like the utter worst.

This isn’t down to Bipolar symptoms entirely, as my Bipolar mood swings tend to last weeks or months. It’s a combination of Bipolar mood swings, psychosis, anxiety, sleep and medication side-effects.

At the moment I think my Bipolar mood is tilting towards hypomania, which means I’m antsy, bored and wanting to spend more. It also adds towards my irritability.

My psychosis leaves me on edge, but at its’ worst it can make me entirely zone out and become unresponsive or leave me too panicked and terrified to talk. I also struggle to concentrate and can get antsy because my brain’s fried and trying to do too much at once.

Anxiety obviously always makes things ten times harder, but thankfully this hasn’t been *too* much of an issue recently.

Lack of sleep leaves me in a variety of states, ranging from utterly exhausted and unable to do anything, to pissed off and hating the world, or manic. The worst thing is, because I’m so bad at sleeping, catching up on sleep takes a long time and napping is impossible.

And then we have medication side-effects. A weird out-of-touch woozy head (dissociation), often tinted with a far away rage and inability to calm myself.

Ah, joy.

All this spinning around madly inside me, fluctuating by the hour. It must be so nice to be able to react normally to things and know who you are as a person…

0

trapped in my body

todays been weird.

My mood’s been terrible kind of manic but intensely irritable. not even irritable, rageous. Over everything. And like a sulky pouty child if my partner asks my something I huff or respond with a petulant NO I hate it.

Then out of nowhere i became mute and still. This happens when I’m stressed or depressed sometimes, I lose myself and will spend hours sitting staring and not moving. Even when my mood’s not too bad I can get stuck gazing at nothing and people will struggle to ‘bring my back’, this has happened since I was at least 16.#

Well today I was literaaly stuck in my body. I couldn’t move couldn;t talk couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t think very well and it was all just very weird.

Bits started coming back. I could move my fingers enough to do jagged writing to try and communicate with Gog, but getting him to understand what I needed and what was going on was difficult. It was intense.

Several hours have passed and I’m still fighting through treacle.

I can move my eyes, move my head slowly, type slowly. I can walk but it doesn’t feel real or right. I can hum but talking and moving my lips and opening my mouth is a real struggle and mostly beyond what I’m capable of.

My thoughts aere mush and I don’t understand where this stream of words and sentences are coming from because I’m just sat here dazed yet my fingers are dancing over the keyboard and words are appearing on the screen from my head.

My head is fucked and I don’t know what this is.

i made Gog look up what a stroke is like and he reassured me it’s not that. I scribbled I thought I had a brain tumour (I always think I have a brain tumour) and he said it’s not that because he’s done lots of research over the years every time I’ve been scared.

Dissociation combined with psychosis combined with catatonia? I don’t know but it’s really not nice and it terrified GOg.

New symptoms appear, everything always gets worse.

0

Knocked down

Gog here.

I have a very important post to write at some point, but I don’t have the energy yet – even thinking about what I want to write about makes me incredibly angry and sad.

I plan it to be a long, detailed post on the way we, and especially Anon, have been treated during applying and appealing for PIP, Personal Independence Payment.

I’ve already talked quite a bit about the issues with PIP, and also that they have awarded Anon 11 points both times (12 and over means you get higher payment) – we have been told she should be awarded at least 26 points, so it’s extremely frustrating!

We received some absolutely ridiculous news in several  letters, and when I phoned up to complain I was told they have no complaints procedure, and as on their end they had ‘followed the book’ there was literally no way to complain.

I want to complain because Anon is being discriminated against.

They are refusing to award points that she should easily get, and because it’s a mental disability and not a physical one, they are treating it completely differently.

I want to complain because I am tired, so tired, of people – government agencies, medical professionals – telling me that Anon doesn’t require the help or assistance that she so desperately needs, because she has an invisible illness.

It’s all well and good telling me that you’re not going to see Anon because she has a mental illness and you seem to think mental illnesses are bogus…okay, fine, I’ll be her 24/7 carer and it’s exhausting and difficult, but I’ll do it because I love her…but when you then refuse to give out the correct amount of money, what do you want us to do??

I can’t work because I must care for my partner, but we’re struggling to live because we don’t get the money we’re entitled to

I plan on contacting charities and legal aid, not that there’s much we can do as if we took PIP to a tribunal we could lost ALL our benefits.

But I’m contacting charities and legal aids because I want to complain, I want to complain about the system, and I also want to contact some newspapers and see if they will talk to me. Difficult with Anon’s paranoia, but I’m so tired of this uphill battle and feeling completely ignored and alone.

0

Doubling the dose

Gog spoke to the GP yesterday and the GP suggested doubling the dose.

I’ve gone from 20mg to 40mg. Back on the highest dose of Citalopram for the second time. Last time was for depression though, this time it’s for panic / anxiety.

I hope it helps alleviate some of this anxiety again, as it’s creeping higher every day…

My psychosis has been absolutely terrible coming up to a week now, and it’s really taking it out of me 😦

I’m really tired of questioning everything and jumping at things nobody else sees. I hate when the world feels this scary.

This morning I woke up and couldn’t figure out which memories were real at all – alongside hallucinations and very vivid realistic dreams, I feel like I’m drowning in a reality that isn’t real…

0

Psychosis, dogs and meds

I don’t know how I’m doing at the moment.

I’m still much more stable than I was before Citalopram, and am probably still closer to stable then I have been in about four years.

But things aren’t as good as they were, and I’m struggling.

The fact I’m struggling makes me scared, because I’m terrified Citalopram will stop working again and I’ll be thrown back into a life of terror and extreme, constant mood swings.

I’ve had a few days where I’ve struggled very much with depression, and tearfulness, and hopelessness. It doesn’t seem to be a constant though, just a day or two, and the constant is a more ‘meh’ mood…irritable, exhausted, miserable, and pain.

My neck pain, headaches and migraines have been really bad for a week or so now 😦

I’ve been having more visual hallucinations than had become usual and my paranoia is back. My anxiety still isn’t really visible, but I’m scared with my psychosis kicking up a notch it’s gonna come flooding back.

I am still able to enjoy things though, and I can get out the house still. I couldn’t cope with going somewhere busy, such as a supermarket, but I can enjoy brief walks around the neighbourhood – I can even walk our little foster dog on my own!

Because of our foster dog we can’t leave the house for very long at the moment – we’re building it up very slowly, today we’ll be leaving her for twenty minutes!

Anyway, that means we can’t make it to the GP appt which was supposed to be within the next week…before my mood went weird I was very confident about going to this appt and actually planning what I wanted to say, but now I’m relieved to have a reason we can’t go and when I think of an appt my heart hammers.

My partner phoned the surgery last Friday to ask for a phone appt, as my GP said we could do things that way. He’d talk to my partner about how I was doing and type up a repeat prescription, and the physical appt can be left another few weeks.

The surgery didn’t have any phone appts available though, there’s a week wait :/

I think we should have enough meds to last.