One of the things I’m struggling with SO DAMN MUCH at the moment is the unpredictability.
When I had severe bipolar I thought it was the worst thing ever.
Months and months of suicidal depression followed by weeks of psychotic manias, on repeat, over and over. I really thought it was the worst.
But I’m struggling even more now that my mood swings aren’t predictable and don’t follow a pattern. Alongside the constant psychosis (which is really, truly awful. Like living in a horror game) I now have extreme mood episodes that last just days.
It’s exhausting and confusing and upsetting.
It makes planning days impossible – what we might have wanted to be a nice relaxed indoor-day can’t be because I’m bouncing off the walls and if we don’t go out I’ll do something ridiculous.
Day visits with my parents have to be cancelled because my psychosis has reduced me to tears. Plans for enjoyable walks with my beloved partner and dog in the countryside abandoned because I’m so depressed all I can think about is suicide and I can’t leave the house.
I’m talking a day or two so manic I don’t sleep. Maybe a week where all I suffer is psychosis, constant, LOUD psychosis. Then depression where I can’t imagine, and don’t want to, living like this anymore. Then psychosis. Then depression or mania or more psychosis.
Yesterday and the day before I was manic. Can’t-sleep-spend-money manic. Today started okay. I felt a little off but I think I had a med-head or a psychosis overload. Late this evening I noticed myself getting panicky and sad and anxious.
The feeling got worse and more extreme. I had a panic attach. I freaked out.
There’s this tight feeling of overwhelming dread inside me. I’m struggling to breathe normally and behave normally and look normal on the outside. I can’t talk about this with my partner and I don’t 100% understand why.
I’m scared and trapped and oh so sad and numb and blank. I feel so completely overwhelmingly depressed and hopeless.
I could tell myself to just wait until tomorrow, because how I feel is changing almost daily now, but everything I switch between is horrible.
Mania – frustration, a frantic need to move and talk and be, and zero need for sleep.
Depression – hopelessness, numbness, despair.
And psychosis – voices, scary thoughts, scary people, visual hallucinations that are all real, so so real.
This is all I get. This is me, this is my life.
Please don’t anybody advise me to go see a professional, or that things will get better. I know you mean well, but neither would be very helpful or appropriate right now. Thanks for your understanding friends.