I’m so tired of fighting. The constant changes are exhausting and horrible.
My partner turned to me in alarm this evening and said “What’s going on with you sweetpea? You’re flitting from happy to sad so quickly.” I replied, completely expressionless, “I’m bipolar, what do you expect?” Which at least is amusing, even if that isn’t what bipolar is at all!
My partner was dot on though. I’m so tired from yo-yo’ing and having to deal with super fast switches of energy and impulsiveness, happiness and sadness, confidence and hopelessness.
I’m tired of trying so hard to focus, on ANYTHING, and it being such a struggle because all I can hear is things that aren’t real and I know, I *know*, that there’s something sat watching me at the other side of the room – but don’t look, DON’T LOOK, must appear normal.
The other day two noisy things played at once on our computer, a game and some wrestling my partner was watching. The noise immediately drove him to distraction and he raced to the volume to mute it whilst he got it sorted. He literally couldn’t cope.
Grinning, I said “Now you know what auditory hallucinations are like!”
Although it was a joke, it was true. Fighting so hard to concentrate, understand what people are saying to me or what I’m reading or watching, AND trying to appear normal is just…exhausting. And impossible.
Please world…just give me some stability. Just give me some moods that don’t rate 10/10 on the richter scale. Just give me something.
Again, anybody reading, please don’t tell me that things ‘will get better’ or that I should ‘go see a professional’. It won’t help, even though I know you mean well, and will just make me feel more hopeless and alone. Thank you for your understanding.