This month has been one of the hardest months of my life…and of course my birthday was in it XD
Seizures have really been taking their toll on my body, and my life. There’s nothing like a cluster of seizures and the resulting tiredness, confusion and lack of memory to completely fuck with you.
But more than that my bipolar had to shove its ugly nose in to remind me that it still existed and, even though these daily seizures are new, it was still the thing I had to be mindful of and fear.
Alongside seizures my bipolar made sure to make my mood plummet.
Overnight I went from being faintly chipper to battling against a tidal wave of depression. Literally overnight. This progressed within a day or two to me being swamped with suicidal thoughts.
I wanted to die, but I was lacking any form of motivation or energy to actually do the act – this (for me) was worse than being actively suicidal, as at least then you’re taking steps and although you feel totally desperate, you can see the end.
I had stretches of hours where I wouldn’t talk to my partner – no, in fact, where I couldn’t talk to my partner. I was completely numb, devoid of all emotion. Entire days where I didn’t get even the fleeting feeling of enjoyment and nothing was satisfying or made me feel warm or bubbly inside. I was dying. Several times a day, walking along, I would suddenly think to myself “Am I already dead? Is this why I feel nothing?”
Weeks passed in a blur of misery, the odd day that was going okay soon crumbling into despair and failure. Everyday I was crying, everyday I was telling my partner I wanted to leave. By the end my psychosis was picking up, and I believed with all my heart that my partner – my amazing partner who’s never anything but supportive – was a psychopath who was dating me simply to toy with the mind of a mentally ill person.
Finally today the despair lifted. Just like that.
People who haven’t experienced a serious mental health condition are never going to be able to understand the depth of despair or intensity of the emotions that sufferers have to endure. This is why Dr’s cheerily tell you something isn’t worth killing yourself over, why parents tell you to get a grip, and why friends family and loved ones seem to assume that your struggles aren’t as bad as you make out.
They are the lucky ones.
I’ve found when I’m surrounded by family or friends that don’t understand, the best things I can do are hug my pups, talk with my partner or, if I’m beyond that, search Pinterest.
Pinterest has some amazing quotes on there regarding mental illness, and I can always find ones that make me feel heard and understood. Here are some of my favourites:
This helped me see things from my partner’s point of view
This has become my all-time favourite quote 🙂
Another one that really resonates
This is so powerful, yet so simple