2

Self-harm, suicidal and seizures, oh my…

Really, really shitty few days.

Seem to be having a mixed episode. This presents as not being able to sleep or concentrate at all, with the extra bonus of intense depression. W00t. Factor in several dozen seizures a day and I am struggling. Greatly.

Felt very unsafe these past few days. My partner was catching up with me on a walk yesterday and I almost jumped in front of a van. I wasn’t even really thinking about it, it was an impulsive urge that almost just happened.

I broke today. I couldn’t cope with the self hatred going round and round in my head. So I cried and cried and then I self-harmed. I think it’s only maybe the third time I’ve self-harmed this year.

Very grateful to my partner. Don’t deserve him, am an awful human.

Let’s hope tomorrow is a better day.

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0

Learning sign language

When I’m very panicked / low, I sometimes go non verbal. It used to happen A LOT as a teenager, but still happens occasionally now.

I learnt a little BSL as a teen so I could say yes, no etc, but now after certain seizures, I can’t talk for 20-90 minutes. I can think, I can write, but talking is extremely difficult and often flat-out impossible.

So we’re going to learn sign language, so we have a way to communicate.

My partner is absolutely dreadful with miming, he can’t get the simplest thing, and writing out every single thing I want to say is infuriating and takes sooo long…

We’re actually learning ASL over BSL, because the ASL books were a lot better – clearer photos, more choice etc. The first thing I’ve spent my Christmas money on, I’m quite excited 🙂

4

Knots

My life is a tangle of various chronic illnesses.

A few weeks ago my seizures were atrocious, and my psychosis was incredibly difficult to live with. Then I had six days with minimal seizures, and during this time my mood was incredibly low and I spent a lot of time crying and hating myself.

Yesterday my seizures started up again. I had over a dozen yesterday, I had a few this morning and then starting around lunch time I’ve had absence seizures at fairly regular intervals for the past three hours.

In the background, as ever, there’s the insistent pressure of anxiety.

Ugh. Tired of this. Was really hoping my seizures would stay low until after Christmas, but it’s not looking that way. I’d love to have a nice seizure-free Christmas and be able to remember it!!

0

Something to remember

I saw this today and found it immensely helpful, so reposting.

You are not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ if you:

  • Have low to no empathy
  • Have hyper empathy
  • Have a personality disorder
  • Have more than one person in your mind
  • Have scary / violent thoughts
  • Can’t take a shower or brush your teeth very often
  • Don’t have the energy to interact with people everyday
2

Bad day turned good

Today has been bloody intense!!

I had seizures in the morning, and all day my psychosis has been terrible. On a dog walk passing through a quiet cul de sac I happened to see an old woman in her house sitting on an arm chair, and behind the woman I saw what I can only describe as a monster.

The monster looked human-ish; it was behind the arm chair leaning over the woman and muttering in her ear. It had really really long, skinny arms, a long neck, and very long pointed teeth. Obviously the woman couldn’t see it and was completely unaware of it whispering in her ear.

It was awful. I stopped walking and freaked out big time, I felt terrified.

I tried to do the ‘real or not real’ game with my partner, where I ask if he can see it and have to try and force myself to believe what he says, but it was extremely difficult.

At home was better. We had a puppy training class for my assistance dog in training this evening, which I really wasn’t in the mood for but we had to go as we’d already missed three weeks.

90 minutes before we had to set off I had another seizure, and fell asleep exhausted afterwards. My partner woke me up 15 minutes before we had to set off, and I felt awful – really nauseous and just horribly ill!

I almost cancelled, but in the end decided to push through it, and I ended up feeling much better within 15 minutes and our pup excelled at class – yay!

So, that was my day. I honestly think that’s one of the worst hallucinations I’ve had, up there with a child kneeling in the middle of the road as our friend was driving and another time a child stood covered in blood was standing next to the car window. Scary days…