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Full of seizure rage and the worst day ever

I’m so fucking pissed right now.

I have tried so many fucking things to try stop these seizures and they’re just as bad if not worse. You piece of shit CBD oil!! I’m doubling the dose, if this doesn’t help I’m pouring it down the bloody sink.

On top of that today we had to have my dog that was terminally ill PTS and my heart broke. I didn;’t even get to go to say bye as on th way to the vets I started having seizures, so thanks for that seizures.

And earlier in the day my assistance dog hurt her leg and was screaming in pain, we were stuck 30+ minutes from home and it was all shit. Thankfully we made it home, she hasn’t limped since, and after speaking with our vet she should be okay,.

So ready for this day to end I despise ABSOLUTELY DESPISE seizure rage. How is it possuible to feel this angry?!?!?!?!

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Lose control, gain control *ed trigs*

From the age of 16 – 21 I battled anorexia.

I first recovered at 20 years old, then had  a slip when I was 21. My partner helped me recover, and for several years after that I maintained a healthy weight. I was then put on a variety of psych meds and gained a lot of weight, and was never really able to lose all of it again…regardless my body image was much better and I was enjoying food, even if I did have periods where I despised the way I looked.

This past month has seen those ED thoughts raise their ugly heads, and I didn’t know why (after 6 years since my last blip) it had happened…I figured it out a few days ago, I think.

I started having a lot of seizures within the past 6 months, and I think the lack of control and helplessness has definitely pushed me towards ED thoughts (lots of control there!), and on top of that one of my dogs is very sick. Not only a huuuuge stressor, but my initial descent into disordered eating at the age of 12 (and my ‘blip’ at 21) were triggered by family members being terminally ill.

Having these thoughts fill my head again after so long is truly, truly bizarre…and, if I’m honest, extremely exciting.

I am thrilled about the control, the inevitable weight loss, and falling back into old habits is like putting on a comfortable old pair of shoes. It’s comforting, it really is.

I’m hugely massive now, so losing weight isn’t a concern, and I’ll never get anywhere near my lowest weight. I’d love to have that BMI of 15 again, but lets be honest it’s never going to happen.

Regardless I’m happy to be falling back into this, but I won’t let it get silly.

I’ve only acknowledged and acted on the the thoughts for four days so far, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised with how easy it has been so far. I’ve lost weight already and the comfort it’s brought has been great. It’s just…so so weird after not even thinking like this for many years.

 

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Seizures

I have had so many seizures today that I have absolutely zero memories of the day.

It’s after 6pm and I don’t remember any of it. I won’t remember writing this.

I have a few snapshot memories (not a technical term haha, just what I call them), which are still images, like photographs, of things that have happened today…and sometimes I will know what has happened without knowing / remembering. But yes, that is today.

On a walk earlier a car had its’ full beams on as it’s really foggy here. The headlights gave me a seizure.

I was having a seizure on / by the side of a road, and my boyfriend was having to manage our 13 week old puppy and my 5 month assistance dog in training, AND alert oncoming cars that I was there. All in the fog!!

And that is why I never ever go out on my own 😉

Ugh. I’ve been filling my seizure diary in for almost four weeks now! No patterns to identify.

seizurediary1

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Blinded by depression

I’ve been sapped into a huge depressive black hole.

The depression has consumed me for the past few weeks, and it shows no sign of abating. There are a few little chunks over in this post on my other blog, if anybody is interested.

A lot of Spoonies have been sharing these to try end stigma and fight the shame. Here is mine.

I’m sharing some colouring from the past year. No words needed.