Everything is an uphill battle

I’m feeling totally overwhelmed at the moment, and depression is engulfing me again.

Yesterday marked 3 weeks since our PIP assessment, which we were led to believe that, because it was adding a new health condition and not a new claim, we would get the results within 3 weeks.

We got a letter from PIP, and opened it feeling sick with nerves…and it was this!!

Like…no!! Don’t say ‘we have your information’ when you’re supposed to be saying ‘we have your result’!!!

So my partner went to call the number to ask how long, and the automated script whilst you’re on hold has been updated to say you should wait at least FOUR WEEKS for your result now…like for fuck sake!! This is do taxing on my mental health, I just want it over with 😩

One of the most disgusting thing about benefits is how hard they make the process for disabled people. The people who need the most help!

This entire process has been a nightmare, and alongside it there’s been the Universal Credit process which has been going on for 10 months, & is just as bad!! I just want to know if we’re going to get the money we deserve. I want to know we’ll get money so we can not just ‘scrape by’, but LIVE. So we don’t have to worry. I want to know we won’t have to rely on a foodbank again, that we won’t lose our house, that I can get my disabled bus pass!

I’ve jumped through every hoop & it’s been so mentally AND physically taxing…so the fact we have to wait longer than they first said brought me to tears. UC has no end in sight, but PIP should’ve been over.

Anyway. That was yesterday.

Today everything feels like a very intense uphill battle. I’m feeling completely overwhelmed, even though there are no ‘scary’ plans today, no need to feel that way. I want to cry thinking that the instant I leave the house I’ll start having numerous seizures…what is my life?! What is the point?? Why am I continuing to live when my life is just being in a gloomy house?

Finley, our puppy, comes home at the end of this month. I need him so badly. Just gotta hold on.

Yesterday we went for a short walk around the forest at the end of our road. I didn’t wear my goggles, because if I do I miss out on the beauty of nature, I miss out on partaking in one of my favourite hobbies, photography!

I should be wearing my goggles anytime I’m outdoors, really. But I hate them so much that I really only wear them when I’m around lights (shops, restaurants, hospitals, buses, trains, town etc) or if I’m having a really bad day.

When I’m out in nature, I want to *feel* it, experience it…and you can’t do that wearing goggles that turn the world incredibly dark, steam up, and remove the beauty 😅 Seriously, when I wear my goggles the world is muted to one dark-blue colour, there is no beauty.

If they stopped all my seizures outdoors I’d probably wear them all the time, because then it would be worth it. But if I’m gonna have seizures anyway I’d rather enjoy the beauty, thanks!

I’m so tired of not being able to do anything, not being able to go anywhere. Of having dozens of seizures everyday, just from being indoors and going on ONE WALK a day! I miss going places and doing things, not just walks…I miss days out, shops, visiting exciting places. I don’t remember the last time I was in a shop, even a small one, it was weeks ago.

I miss living.

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5 thoughts on “Everything is an uphill battle

  1. Hi, I’m so sorry to read this, I’ve sort of disappeared from blogging recently and didn’t realise things had got so hard for you! I know a couple of people applying to PIP at the minute who have received the generic “we have your application” letters and I think they’re causing mixed feelings for everyone; relief that they are acknowledging your application but at the same time causing more stress with sending a letter that basically tells you nothing. Are you still managing to train the dogs or are your migraines too severe? I noticed their blog had gone x

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    • Thank you 🙂 Good to ‘see’ you about too haha. I basically don’t blog anymore either…I try keep up with them, but eh. It’s too much these days, so mostly they’re dying 😅 Oh man, PIP is just absolutely disgusting. It’s been 4 weeks since the assessment and now they’re saying we have to wait 6…it’s making me so fricking anxious. I just want to know…so fed up of them dragging it out 🙄 I still do as much training as possible with the dogs, but I have 12-30 seizures a day…I just can’t physically do much anymore. They’re doing well regardless though, my eejits. Kasper gets a significant amount of raw food these days, which he loooves haha. How are you guys doing?

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      • I image you have a much more valid reason not to blog than me! One of my aforementioned friends usually has her PIP refused and has to appeal it which, touch wood, she’s always managed so stay hopeful! It just seems such a long drawn out process which must surely cost more to enact than they thought it would save.
        The lack of training doesn’t sound good for you either, you always had such enthusiasm for it. How many have you got now?

        It’s all a bit hectic for us, I took on some rescue rats on new year’s eve – we’d talked about adding rats in a few years but this was ahead of schedule – and then I’ve got much further in my puppy search. Picked my breeder and I really favoured one of her bitches, although I loved both, but her litter was earlier than I was planning to add a pup so I’ve moved my plans forward and puppy is currently less than a week old. My current two are fine and their usual selves, Laufey’s been mostly out of agility all winter with injury and now with a puppy coming I’ve got some new goals for us and want to really cement some of our skills before pup arrives 🙂

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      • What with PIP and the NHS drawing absolutely everything out, we have no money and no medical support 😂 We have three currently, but the older two don’t get much training outside of basics, because mental stimulation is much easier to offer in other ways now 😛

        Ah that’s so exciting! What breed is new pup? I love ratties too, they’re kind of like dogs in rodent form 😂

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      • Sorry! I’ve missed this (again!) That really doesn’t sound good at all, I do think we’re lucky to have the NHS but it really needs a shake up on how it offers a lot of services.

        Oh no, who’ve you got now, what happened? Puppy is a standard poodle from a breeder down in Bath, I’ve been talking to her for a while and went to visit last summer. They are like little dogs, we’ve got one brave boy who is frustrated that he’s not getting more freedom and a shy boy who is taking a long time to come around but I’m sure he’ll get there

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