My mania crashed…it seems forcing my body to sleep using Valium was enough to break it, and oddly enough depression hasn’t followed (yet…). As it is I’m just agitated and feel weird, but that could also be due to the high number of seizures I’ve been having.
Today has been awful. A lot of emotional stress, seizures, and episodic dyscontrol syndrome. Plus bad luck and the world just being a dick XD
The best thing that happened today was that the train driver asked my partner if it was “one adult and a child” (thus mistaking me for a teenage boy XD). It sounds weird, that being a positive, but for me it feels so amazing not to be recognised as ‘a girl’ anymore.
I’ve never identified properly with the idea of being female – I hate my boobs, I never felt like a girl, and I’ve been a ‘tomboy’ since I was about 8. But at the same time I didn’t feel male either…I didn’t want a penis, I didn’t want to change my gender. When I discovered the term genderqueer / non-binary, everything made sense!
For the first time I’ve been able to BE me 🙂
I finally have the freedom to dress how I want without feeling guilty because ooh but girls don’t dress like this, and changing my name to a unisex name means I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin.
So the fact that the ticket guy didn’t look at me and see GIRL really made my heart soar 🙂
After a long day my body was knackered, so I lay in bed for half an hour fighting for sleep. When my body finally surrendered I slept for over 90 minutes, but had the worst wake up…over half an hour of back-to-back seizures, where I wasn’t able to move, speak, or open my eyes. I HATE seizure clusters as I’m waking, it’s awful.
Speaking of zombie me, my partner managed to catch footage of me during a complex / focal impaired seizure. These are the seizures where although my eyes are open, I am not conscious.
I move, fiddle and walk during these seizures, and afterwards I may be dazed, confused, shout nonsense or swear words, and act drunk. Watching myself move about like this, but look so ‘blank’ and lost, was hella weird.
And a weird photo of rust from our terrible day out.