2

Broken

I had another broken day today 🙄

Yesterday we tried to have a nice day, it was an epic fail…I almost ended up in hospital due to having so many seizures, the day was awful & very much ruined. I was left asking myself why I even try to do anything/leave the house anymore 🙄

Being so physically unwell obviously takes a toll mentally, and after yesterday, today I’ve just been struggling hugely. I wanted to hurt myself, I felt suicidal, same old bipolar crap. Add to that a pet died unexpectedly and my bf’s parents are being absolute dicks…and yeah, it’s been a bad day.

I started to feel a little bit better this evening. I just get tired of all my disabilities have taken from me. I get tired of not being able to leave the house, or have a life, and yesterday showed that so clearly.

I posted this photo yesterday online. This was me after I’d attempted to leave the house; I’d had 29 seizures, felt dreadful, and a migraine had hit me as a result of the high number of seizures. I might have an invisible disability, but that doesn’t make it any less real…

I can’t remember if I posted about this already or not (I have no memory anymore, my brain can’t really produce new memories very well) but my bf called the hospital about my MRI results, and also asked about my EEG. He was told by the hospital that’s too far for us to travel that they have sent off two referrals to the local hospital for my EEG, because they want it done asap, but the local hospital just aren’t acting on it…how is that okay?!? 😩

I’ve had significantly less seizures today but my mood is in the pits…I’ll take that over the other way round, I guess!

0

A quote

Every few weeks I am overwhelmed with how small and dark my life has become, because of seizures. I feel suffocated by all I have lost and all that I can no longer do. I spend a day crying and mourning for the life I once had. 

Today is one of those days. This is life with a disability. This is life with huge limitations. I’m not ashamed.

0

Oh ffs

Thanks to the inordinate amount of stress I’m dealing with atm, it was always gonna trigger a depressive episode.

But it still really, really, REALLY sucks that it’s happened.

This is the last thing I needed right now 😞

I’m tired of my life being so, so limited. 

I’m tired of having dozens of seizures every day and living with all the after effects. Of living in fear. Of being unable to do anything for myself. Of having so little support from the NHS. Of benefits HEAPING stress onto my already difficult life. Of family & friends being totally oblivious to how awful everything is. Of my parents lacking all caring. 

I’m sick of everything…

I’m already scared of how this depressive episode is gonna go.. I hope it’s ended before Christmas 😭

0

My mood takes a dive

My psychosis is creeping up and my mood’s taking a dive. I imagine the two are connected.

I didn’t realise I was even experiencing psychosis until a few days ago, when my partner commented he couldn’t see something I could…then a few other things clicked into place too!

It feels like depressive episodes creep up on me so quickly these days, it’s scary. It’s like quicksand; I go from feeling safe, on a solid surface, to floundering helplessly and in grave danger very quickly.

I only noticed my mood plunging a few days ago and already I feel really, really bad.

My partner’s noticed, obviously, but I’m able to hide the true extent…it’s not that I want to lie to him, it’s just that I feel bad telling him how awful I truly feel, and dragging him into the darkness too.

Mental illness sucks so much dick…

0

One day

I had one day feeling good. One day in a sea of shit.

Now the depression is back, and it’s brought with it the hopelessness, the worthlessness and the despair. Hello suicidal thoughts, I sure did miss you yesterday… 😥

I don’t want to do this anymore. How can anybody call this a life? And I’ve been dealing with this shit for 13 years.

I had a panic attack today, haven’t had one of those in a while, and I’ve been crying for hours. I’m going to need to drink a bath tub of water to rehydrate after this.

Please no ‘it will get better’ messages. It never gets better, it only ever gets worse.

 

2

The struggle is real!

This month has been one of the hardest months of my life…and of course my birthday was in it XD

Seizures have really been taking their toll on my body, and my life. There’s nothing like a cluster of seizures and the resulting tiredness, confusion and lack of memory to completely fuck with you.

But more than that my bipolar had to shove its ugly nose in to remind me that it still existed and, even though these daily seizures are new, it was still the thing I had to be mindful of and fear.

Alongside seizures my bipolar made sure to make my mood plummet.

Overnight I went from being faintly chipper to battling against a tidal wave of depression. Literally overnight. This progressed within a day or two to me being swamped with suicidal thoughts.

I wanted to die, but I was lacking any form of motivation or energy to actually do the act – this (for me) was worse than being actively suicidal, as at least then you’re taking steps and although you feel totally desperate, you can see the end.

I had stretches of hours where I wouldn’t talk to my partner – no, in fact, where I couldn’t talk to my partner. I was completely numb, devoid of all emotion. Entire days where I didn’t get even the fleeting feeling of enjoyment and nothing was satisfying or made me feel warm or bubbly inside. I was dying. Several times a day, walking along, I would suddenly think to myself “Am I already dead? Is this why I feel nothing?”

Weeks passed in a blur of misery, the odd day that was going okay soon crumbling into despair and failure. Everyday I was crying, everyday I was telling my partner I wanted to leave. By the end my psychosis was picking up, and I believed with all my heart that my partner – my amazing partner who’s never anything but supportive – was a psychopath who was dating me simply to toy with the mind of a mentally ill person.

Finally today the despair lifted. Just like that.

People who haven’t experienced a serious mental health condition are never going to be able to understand the depth of despair or intensity of the emotions that sufferers have to endure. This is why Dr’s cheerily tell you something isn’t worth killing yourself over, why parents tell you to get a grip, and why friends family and loved ones seem to assume that your struggles aren’t as bad as you make out.

They are the lucky ones.

I’ve found when I’m surrounded by family or friends that don’t understand, the best things I can do are hug my pups, talk with my partner or, if I’m beyond that, search Pinterest.

Pinterest has some amazing quotes on there regarding mental illness, and I can always find ones that make me feel heard and understood. Here are some of my favourites:

This helped me see things from my partner’s point of view

This has become my all-time favourite quote 🙂

Another one that really resonates

This is so powerful, yet so simple

4

Today’s a struggle

Everything is weighing me down.

My mood, psychosis…just when I think I’m doing so good, the *tiniest* amount of stress tips me over the edge.

Today I was bobbing between ‘just about coping’ and ‘struggling significantly’, then I started trying to work out what to do about my dogs’ harness…and even though it shouldn’t have been stressful, even though it wouldn’t have been stressful in the slightest to most people, I hit the end of my tether.

I’m tired, tearful, and hallucinating…as ever. I’m feeling very panicky and pretty sure I’m starting to dissociate. And I’m on my own…lucky our foster pup is with me, just keep her close, it’s all fine.

I wish things were a little easier.

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My anxiety is drowning me

I haven’t had anxiety like this for months, and it suuuucks >__<

I’ve always had pretty bad anxiety, ever since I was in my early teens. When I was 19 I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, and yeah I do spend a lot of time anxious about a lot of things – some realistic worries, some really far-fetched.

Normally I can cope with these fears. Even if I am overwhelmed for a short period of time by anxious thoughts, I can often bounce back and push forwards.

But sometimes my anxiety gets so overwhelming that I can’t think, or cope, or even breathe. It’s not a panic attack, because I can act normal on the outside (which I can’t when I’m having a panic attack), and it lasts for days instead of minutes.

This past week my anxiety has been phenomenal; I’ve felt suffocated 24/7. It’s had me crying in public when walking to the train station, staring at a wall digging my nails into my palm to try stay in control, and having to stand still and breathe deeply because I’m so dizzy with fear.

I’ve lived with severe anxiety for so long, and I’m so tired of it.

I know a lot of people see anxiety as being a ‘nothing’ illness, as something that’s not so bad. I’ve even had CPNs and Social Workers tell me to “just don’t think about” what’s worrying me.

And it’s ridiculous because my anxiety is crippling.

It gives me headaches, and makes my chest hurt (which makes me even more anxious). It makes me cry, feel suicidal, and struggle to breathe. I have Bipolar Disorder and constant psychosis, and we’ve always said my anxiety is one of my most pervasive and difficult symptoms to live with.

An anxiety disorder isn’t worrying a little about something, but being able to brush it aside and carry on with your day…it RUINS you.

It’s exhausting.

Just needed to vent I guess 🙂

3

Things are tough

Gog here.

Things were already tough enough, but then the puppy we found injured her leg, and now she is on 6 weeks crate rest. We’re managing crate rest pretty well (in fact thanks to various methods she’s been in the crate less than 2 hours total in 4 days) but it is really, really exhausting.

Our puppy is now full of pent-up energy and even though we’re giving her exciting and unusual things to play with (a croc, coconut, tolet roll, paper bags etc) she is saying nope guys, I am bored of everything now.

Alongside Anon’s general symptoms and struggles, we had the huge stress and terror that our puppy was badly injured (at first it was thought she had a broken leg) and of course the costs that brings with it.

I’m still waiting for Anon to fall off the deep end and have a really intense manic or depressive episode, but so far (I have no idea how) she is managing to hold onto her usual level.

I discovered the other day she’s having really negative thoughts about herself…this is something I haven’t experienced to this level since our early years together, when she really hated herself and blamed herself for absolutely everything. She’s never liked herself, or thought anything positive about herself…but she was accepting that I thought she was awesome 🙂

But recently she’s been telling me to stop saying nice things to her as it makes her uncomfortable (from ‘thank you that was really helpful’ to ‘I love you’) and she told me a few days ago she absolutely despises herself, inside and out.

It makes me really sad she feels this way. I know she tries so hard in everything she does. I love her to bits and in several ways she is extremely talented – as a dog trainer (she’s very instinctive, it comes so easily to her), a pet owner (she designs amazing habitats for our pets), a writer…she’s good at so many things. And she does know this…but she hates herself with a passion.

She also can’t stand the times when she is nasty to me, or our dogs. When she snaps or gets angry over little things. Psychotic symptoms warp her thinking sometimes, and she gets furious about this afterwards too…she HATES that she’s mean to those she loves, or that she can’t trust her own thinking.

It’s sad.

When our puppy injured herself Anon spent the entire night crying as she was 100% sure it was her fault it had happened. I kept asking her how could it have been, and everytime was a different reason; she wouldn’t listen when I said that it was nobody’s fault, accidents happen.

Although all this makes it sound like she’s in a depressive episode, she isn’t really.

She has large chunks of the day where she is clearly very depressed (varying from tearful to comatose to suicidal), but for other parts of the day she can get things done (eg. cleaning out pet cages) – I don’t prompt her, she just has energy and WANTS to do these things. She’s also sleeping on average 7-8 hours a night, which is a few hours less than she sleeps when stable, and about 8 hours less than when she’s depressed.

At some points in the day we’re bobbing along, struggling but more or less managing. Then at some points it feels like the hardest thing, and I worry if I even have to leave Anon to go cook food.