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Broken

I had another broken day today 🙄

Yesterday we tried to have a nice day, it was an epic fail…I almost ended up in hospital due to having so many seizures, the day was awful & very much ruined. I was left asking myself why I even try to do anything/leave the house anymore 🙄

Being so physically unwell obviously takes a toll mentally, and after yesterday, today I’ve just been struggling hugely. I wanted to hurt myself, I felt suicidal, same old bipolar crap. Add to that a pet died unexpectedly and my bf’s parents are being absolute dicks…and yeah, it’s been a bad day.

I started to feel a little bit better this evening. I just get tired of all my disabilities have taken from me. I get tired of not being able to leave the house, or have a life, and yesterday showed that so clearly.

I posted this photo yesterday online. This was me after I’d attempted to leave the house; I’d had 29 seizures, felt dreadful, and a migraine had hit me as a result of the high number of seizures. I might have an invisible disability, but that doesn’t make it any less real…

I can’t remember if I posted about this already or not (I have no memory anymore, my brain can’t really produce new memories very well) but my bf called the hospital about my MRI results, and also asked about my EEG. He was told by the hospital that’s too far for us to travel that they have sent off two referrals to the local hospital for my EEG, because they want it done asap, but the local hospital just aren’t acting on it…how is that okay?!? 😩

I’ve had significantly less seizures today but my mood is in the pits…I’ll take that over the other way round, I guess!

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A quote

Every few weeks I am overwhelmed with how small and dark my life has become, because of seizures. I feel suffocated by all I have lost and all that I can no longer do. I spend a day crying and mourning for the life I once had. 

Today is one of those days. This is life with a disability. This is life with huge limitations. I’m not ashamed.

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Oh ffs

Thanks to the inordinate amount of stress I’m dealing with atm, it was always gonna trigger a depressive episode.

But it still really, really, REALLY sucks that it’s happened.

This is the last thing I needed right now 😞

I’m tired of my life being so, so limited. 

I’m tired of having dozens of seizures every day and living with all the after effects. Of living in fear. Of being unable to do anything for myself. Of having so little support from the NHS. Of benefits HEAPING stress onto my already difficult life. Of family & friends being totally oblivious to how awful everything is. Of my parents lacking all caring. 

I’m sick of everything…

I’m already scared of how this depressive episode is gonna go.. I hope it’s ended before Christmas 😭

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My mood takes a dive

My psychosis is creeping up and my mood’s taking a dive. I imagine the two are connected.

I didn’t realise I was even experiencing psychosis until a few days ago, when my partner commented he couldn’t see something I could…then a few other things clicked into place too!

It feels like depressive episodes creep up on me so quickly these days, it’s scary. It’s like quicksand; I go from feeling safe, on a solid surface, to floundering helplessly and in grave danger very quickly.

I only noticed my mood plunging a few days ago and already I feel really, really bad.

My partner’s noticed, obviously, but I’m able to hide the true extent…it’s not that I want to lie to him, it’s just that I feel bad telling him how awful I truly feel, and dragging him into the darkness too.

Mental illness sucks so much dick…

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One day

I had one day feeling good. One day in a sea of shit.

Now the depression is back, and it’s brought with it the hopelessness, the worthlessness and the despair. Hello suicidal thoughts, I sure did miss you yesterday… 😥

I don’t want to do this anymore. How can anybody call this a life? And I’ve been dealing with this shit for 13 years.

I had a panic attack today, haven’t had one of those in a while, and I’ve been crying for hours. I’m going to need to drink a bath tub of water to rehydrate after this.

Please no ‘it will get better’ messages. It never gets better, it only ever gets worse.

 

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The struggle is real!

This month has been one of the hardest months of my life…and of course my birthday was in it XD

Seizures have really been taking their toll on my body, and my life. There’s nothing like a cluster of seizures and the resulting tiredness, confusion and lack of memory to completely fuck with you.

But more than that my bipolar had to shove its ugly nose in to remind me that it still existed and, even though these daily seizures are new, it was still the thing I had to be mindful of and fear.

Alongside seizures my bipolar made sure to make my mood plummet.

Overnight I went from being faintly chipper to battling against a tidal wave of depression. Literally overnight. This progressed within a day or two to me being swamped with suicidal thoughts.

I wanted to die, but I was lacking any form of motivation or energy to actually do the act – this (for me) was worse than being actively suicidal, as at least then you’re taking steps and although you feel totally desperate, you can see the end.

I had stretches of hours where I wouldn’t talk to my partner – no, in fact, where I couldn’t talk to my partner. I was completely numb, devoid of all emotion. Entire days where I didn’t get even the fleeting feeling of enjoyment and nothing was satisfying or made me feel warm or bubbly inside. I was dying. Several times a day, walking along, I would suddenly think to myself “Am I already dead? Is this why I feel nothing?”

Weeks passed in a blur of misery, the odd day that was going okay soon crumbling into despair and failure. Everyday I was crying, everyday I was telling my partner I wanted to leave. By the end my psychosis was picking up, and I believed with all my heart that my partner – my amazing partner who’s never anything but supportive – was a psychopath who was dating me simply to toy with the mind of a mentally ill person.

Finally today the despair lifted. Just like that.

People who haven’t experienced a serious mental health condition are never going to be able to understand the depth of despair or intensity of the emotions that sufferers have to endure. This is why Dr’s cheerily tell you something isn’t worth killing yourself over, why parents tell you to get a grip, and why friends family and loved ones seem to assume that your struggles aren’t as bad as you make out.

They are the lucky ones.

I’ve found when I’m surrounded by family or friends that don’t understand, the best things I can do are hug my pups, talk with my partner or, if I’m beyond that, search Pinterest.

Pinterest has some amazing quotes on there regarding mental illness, and I can always find ones that make me feel heard and understood. Here are some of my favourites:

This helped me see things from my partner’s point of view

This has become my all-time favourite quote 🙂

Another one that really resonates

This is so powerful, yet so simple