From the age of 16 – 21 I battled anorexia.
I first recovered at 20 years old, then had a slip when I was 21. My partner helped me recover, and for several years after that I maintained a healthy weight. I was then put on a variety of psych meds and gained a lot of weight, and was never really able to lose all of it again…regardless my body image was much better and I was enjoying food, even if I did have periods where I despised the way I looked.
This past month has seen those ED thoughts raise their ugly heads, and I didn’t know why (after 6 years since my last blip) it had happened…I figured it out a few days ago, I think.
I started having a lot of seizures within the past 6 months, and I think the lack of control and helplessness has definitely pushed me towards ED thoughts (lots of control there!), and on top of that one of my dogs is very sick. Not only a huuuuge stressor, but my initial descent into disordered eating at the age of 12 (and my ‘blip’ at 21) were triggered by family members being terminally ill.
Having these thoughts fill my head again after so long is truly, truly bizarre…and, if I’m honest, extremely exciting.
I am thrilled about the control, the inevitable weight loss, and falling back into old habits is like putting on a comfortable old pair of shoes. It’s comforting, it really is.
I’m hugely massive now, so losing weight isn’t a concern, and I’ll never get anywhere near my lowest weight. I’d love to have that BMI of 15 again, but lets be honest it’s never going to happen.
Regardless I’m happy to be falling back into this, but I won’t let it get silly.
I’ve only acknowledged and acted on the the thoughts for four days so far, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised with how easy it has been so far. I’ve lost weight already and the comfort it’s brought has been great. It’s just…so so weird after not even thinking like this for many years.