2

Bad day turned good

Today has been bloody intense!!

I had seizures in the morning, and all day my psychosis has been terrible. On a dog walk passing through a quiet cul de sac I happened to see an old woman in her house sitting on an arm chair, and behind the woman I saw what I can only describe as a monster.

The monster looked human-ish; it was behind the arm chair leaning over the woman and muttering in her ear. It had really really long, skinny arms, a long neck, and very long pointed teeth. Obviously the woman couldn’t see it and was completely unaware of it whispering in her ear.

It was awful. I stopped walking and freaked out big time, I felt terrified.

I tried to do the ‘real or not real’ game with my partner, where I ask if he can see it and have to try and force myself to believe what he says, but it was extremely difficult.

At home was better. We had a puppy training class for my assistance dog in training this evening, which I really wasn’t in the mood for but we had to go as we’d already missed three weeks.

90 minutes before we had to set off I had another seizure, and fell asleep exhausted afterwards. My partner woke me up 15 minutes before we had to set off, and I felt awful – really nauseous and just horribly ill!

I almost cancelled, but in the end decided to push through it, and I ended up feeling much better within 15 minutes and our pup excelled at class – yay!

So, that was my day. I honestly think that’s one of the worst hallucinations I’ve had, up there with a child kneeling in the middle of the road as our friend was driving and another time a child stood covered in blood was standing next to the car window. Scary days…

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2

“How are you today?”

 

Don’t you just hate it when they have an appt and they ask that question? How do they expect me to answer?! I don’t know how I’m doing!!

Current signs of mania:

~ little sleep

~ waking in the night and not being able to return to sleep for racing thoughts / feeling ‘excited’

~ impulsive ‘big’ ideas…from re-decorating the house to committing suicide

~ not being able to sit still

~ infrequent periods (usually lasting around five hours) where I am buzzing with energy and talking very fast

Current signs of depression:

~ not wanting to leave the house at all
(usually, even when I’m not manic, I enjoy leaving the house. When I’m manic I need to leave the house every day and travel somewhere ‘exciting’. Right now I need pushing into walking the dogs, I don’t want to go any further than that, and today we have to go food shopping which feels like torture)

~ anxiety is extremely high

~ very frequent thoughts of suicide with some serious consideration going into it

~ long periods of feeling extremely sad, hopeless and desperate

~ lack of energy to do things or lack of enjoyment when doing them

~ getting tired in the day and needing naps

Current signs of psychosis:

~ knowledge & fear of people coming into the house / bugging the house

~ fear of being spied on
(gets much worse in places where there are more people – everyone seems to be acting suspiciously to me)

~ visual hallucinations of various things

~ loud / uncontrollable thoughts that won’t leave me alone; these sound *inside* my head, and some are voiced by a person who has a name and personality

~ auditory hallucinations, actually not as frequent as visual hallucinations

Current physical symptoms:

~ for the past 9 days I have charted high levels of pain from headaches, neck ache, back ache and migraines

1

Hallucinations or agitation, which is best?

I was only taking Abilify for about a week.

It did several good things:

  1. Calmed my hallucinations – didn’t get rid of them completely, but it did calm them
  2. It really helped with my problem of sentences vanishing, words getting plucked from my head etc – it was wonderful, I could think and talk!
  3. My thoughts returned to a normal speed…previously my head was such a tangle that forming sentences took what felt like years because everything was a jumble

However, it made plenty worse, and they all tied into each other:

  1. Agitation – I was bouncing of the walls
  2. The ability to sit still – I was bouncing off the walls; even when I forced myself to sit still the symptoms were akathisia-like
  3. Concentration – I couldn’t read, colour, or sit still for any length of time
  4. I forget it, damn… *edit* ah remembered!

    I had to be moving all day everyday. I was close to this anyway with the mania, but I could spend a few hours colouring or doing something else…on Abilify I had to be up every hour that I was awake; moving furniture, cleaning the house, cleaning pets, walking the dogs, going on days out, looking for things to build or bake or buy…!

I’ve been off the med about three or four days, I don’t remember which, and it’s insane how much things have changed…

  • My hallucinations are back, and obviously getting worse as days pass. Yesterday was the worst so far, and in just over half an hour I had four visual hallucinations, three which were terrifying

(funnily enough I have heard barely any auditory hallucinations)

 

  • I lose words mid-sentence dozens and dozens of times a day. Not only is this incredibly annoying, but it’s embarrassing with anyone but my partner too

 

  • When my brain is losing itself it snatches up other words, and the things I say don’t make sense…this is incredibly frustrating because I KNOW what I want to say, I just can’t!

    For example I might say, “I a lot miss you very much”, or “Can you catch me the hat downstairs?” Instead of ‘can you bring me the hat downstairs?’ It’s horrible.

 

  • My thoughts are such a web it’s hard to extract the right things I want to say, so sometimes I can easily picture what I want to say but finding the words is tricky, and extracting them in the right order and organising them into what I want to say takes a long time. During conversations it might take me a full minute to respond to a question.

 

  • It’s not all doom and gloom though because my energy is much lower today and somewhat calmer

    I am still manic, but it isn’t as intense as when I was taking the Abilify. The agitation (somewhat similar to anxiety but more ZING!) is gone, and I am able to read, research stuff, and colour again 🙂

 

  • For the first time in 3.5 years I AM WRITING FICTION AGAIN!!

    Writing was my all-time favourite hobby, ever since I could write I did. Story after story after story, sometimes I’d be working on almost a dozen at the same time!!

    Then, not long after I started taking Seroquel, I totally stopped being able to write. It was so much worse than writer’s block.

    For the next 3.5 years I didn’t write any fiction; I tried but couldn’t, and I was devastated. I began blogging more, and got enjoyment from that, but it wasn’t the same.

    About twelve hours ago I began writing my first fiction in such a long time, and amongst sleep I have written six pages now – I am loving it 🙂

Ugh, even writing this is tough as I keep forgetting what I want to say and my thoughts are a knot tied to each other!

So yeah. Oh, and still no help from the NHS.

Gog has made me an appt with the GP, but I have to wait three weeks because my GP was off for a month, and the wait to see anyone else was almost as long :/

0

I need to understand

Gog here.

I screwed up last night…or this morning, whatever you want to call it.

Our sleep is messed up, so if I / we wake up in the night we have to get up and take our puppy for a big walk, because we usually fall asleep before doing his last walk of the night. We walk him at 6-7pmish and are supposed to give him a smaller walk around 10-11pmish then go to bed. Realistically we fall asleep around 8 / 9pm and have to take him out in the night 😀

Last night we both woke up at 3.30am so I got to have Anon with me for the walk too 🙂

Because it’s so quiet at that time we walked through the small town centre and looped about all over the place…good practice for teaching our puppy to walk on narrow pavements, cross roads, come away from litter etc.

On our way back there were people loudly talking, down at the end of the road near the square. I couldn’t see them because they were in a sheltered bus stop, but because it was so quiet they sounded very loud.

Anon paused when she heard the voices, then continued walking with a carefully blank face. I automatically turned to her and said “I hear them too.” She looked relieved, “Do you?” I nodded.

“Well, here’s a lesson!” She said, smiling a little, “That’s exactly what my auditory hallucinations are like, the ones where I hear voices. Echoey, loud, real. Sometimes I can hear what they’re saying, and sometimes I can’t.”

This is where I fucked up.

I should have thought about this. I should have realised how eerie that sounded even to me (who knew they were real) and how terrifying it must be to hear voices like that daily, and to always try battle yourself and tell yourself they’re not real.

Instead I said a blase “Oh, bless you,” and put my attention back to our puppy.

I have no real excuse: yes we do have to concentrate a lot on our puppy’s training when we’re walking him, but I still could have said something better…something along the lines of “Oh shit, that’s horrible. Thanks for telling me, that’s really helpful”. Or “Oh shit, that’s horrible. Remind me of this when we get home, and we can talk more about it.”

But I didn’t.

Anon was sad, angry and hurt for the rest of the walk. She felt she’d reached out to me and I hadn’t understood, or appreciated what that would really be like.

She desperately wants me to learn more about her experiences, to imagine how it feels. She seems very alone at the moment. She doesn’t think anyone understands how scary her life is, and to be fair I don’t think any of our friends / family / even me do.

I promise I’ll do better next time.