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Blinded by depression

I’ve been sapped into a huge depressive black hole.

The depression has consumed me for the past few weeks, and it shows no sign of abating. There are a few little chunks over in this post on my other blog, if anybody is interested.

A lot of Spoonies have been sharing these to try end stigma and fight the shame. Here is mine.

I’m sharing some colouring from the past year. No words needed.

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Something to remember

I saw this today and found it immensely helpful, so reposting.

You are not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ if you:

  • Have low to no empathy
  • Have hyper empathy
  • Have a personality disorder
  • Have more than one person in your mind
  • Have scary / violent thoughts
  • Can’t take a shower or brush your teeth very often
  • Don’t have the energy to interact with people everyday
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Panic & dissociation

My anxiety and panic has crept up recently.

I’m not at extreme panic I-have-to-die-immediately stage, but I have moments where my heart races and I feel very scared and just worry about everything. Or moments where I’m fighting off a full blown panic attack and I don’t know why.

I was out on my own yesterday walking our youngest pup, and had this horrible insistent ‘know’ (across between a fact and a voice in your head telling you it’s true?) that absolutely everybody was staring at me, talking about me, following me…not helpful, not nice.

Called the walk short and as soon as she’d done both toileting we fled back to the house, where I spent the next hour fighting tears and a panic attack.

Yesterday or the day before, my partner was out collecting food and I started dissociating. Completely out the blue and badly. When I ‘came back’ my pup was on my lap craning round to look at me, and I was stroking her back repeatedly. Bloody love that dog.

Does anybody else dissociate in different ways btw?

Sometimes it’s like a blackout; I’ll have no idea what I’ve done or where I am when I ‘wake up’. I’ve come to walking in the middle of a field before and not had a clue where I was.

Another time I was walking our Collie cross a few days after a ‘blackout’ and saw lots of my underwear and socks scattered on the ground – apparently I’d done that whilst dissociating, god knows what anybody who saw me thought!!

Then I have one where it feels like I’m not in control. This one causes a lot of panic because I’m walking, talking and acting almost totally normal, but it’s not me controlling myself and it scares me because nobody else notices. I want to get across that someone has control over my body but can’t.

The third is where everything is in slow-mo and I have to fight hard to move and talk. Sentences can take a full minute to say and words get muddled.

I don’t know why I have different episodes, or what triggers what. The blackout’s by far the worst as I remember literally nothing from it…I have no idea what I got up to and obviously don’t know when it’s happening.

It really, really scares me thinking about what I could ‘wake up’ to.

Sometimes I start writing a blog here and it suddenly derails and evolves into an entirely new topic. That’s what happened tonight, I didn’t even mean to write about dissociation 😀

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Depression, replaced with what?

That awful, all-encompassing depression has gone.

I don’t know what it’s left me with. I can’t tell if I’m manic until I’m really manic, flying high, and my partner’s kinda the same. If I’m hypomanic right now, it’s weak, I can’t tell 😛

I’m hella irritable, I have a decent amount of energy and motivation, and when I’m not flying off the walls in a rage things are going okay. Psychosis still a major issue, but it always is and I don’t count that as an indicator of mood.

I’ve got more things done with my pets today than I did in five days of depression. It’s crazy quite how much your energy levels and capabilities change with your moods. That’s something I wish more people understood.

I wish I could swallow or erase the irritability. It’s SO HARD (read:impossible) to contain it, and it ruins everything around me. I feel so damn sorry for my partner >__<

I get scared whenever I feel like this, I feel like I’m totally ruining our relationship and he’ll stop loving me.

You could argue this is ridiculous, he understands it’s an illness, he’s stuck by me through harder times yadda yadda yadda…that’s true, but it doesn’t mean my symptoms don’t wear him down over time. A bit of irritability might not seem a big deal, but it shows itself as hatred and lashing out verbally, and that’s awful.

On top of that he never gets any respite. I never have okay days, so he never gets any relief. I hate myself for what I put him through.

It’s tough, but we adore each other…that has to count for something.

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Sometimes days can be good

Mostly, this blog is a lot of doom and gloom, because a lot of our lives are difficult and miserable.

Well, today we had a really, really good day 🙂

We went to a kite festival, you can read all about the hilarities and see pics over on the other blog.

Not only was today a good day and we had a lot of laughs and a lot of fun, but I coped really well being out in public too, and at some points we were even in fairly busy areas. A few people even came up to give us advice about kite flying, and I didn’t think ‘shit they’re plotting to kill me’, I managed to respond to a few even!

The past few days have been the roughest since starting on Citalopram.

I don’t know why, but my anxiety has been highest than it has been the entire time, and my mood has been low. I’m still doing much better than pre-Citalopram times, but it hasn’t been fun.

Today, however, has been lots of fun 😉

Savour the good days!

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Caffeine sensitivity

Gog here. Recently we thought Anon was accidentally addicted to Codeine, after she had to take it a fair bit due to migraines.

She experienced a weird swimmy head when she hadn’t taken it, so we thought her body had become dependent on it. It was close to a week before the head went away.

Now is seems it wasn’t the Codeine causing issues after all (which makes sense, as she only needed one pill a day, and you can take up to 6 pills a day for 3 days in a row I think) – we think it’s the caffeine!

For the past few weeks we haven’t had Anon take Codeine when she has been in pain, instead we have used Ibuprofen or, when she started Citalopram, Paracetamol – Ibus shouldn’t be taken with Citalopram.

Today she took some extra strong Paracetamol, and about half an hour after taking two pills she was off her face.

Jittery, ‘numbly’ anxious, but with a ‘swimmy head’ – she says it feels kind of like being very drunk, or like her vision is lagging. Alongside this she can’t feel things properly, she feels sort of numb, her heart is faster than normal, and she can’t control what she is doing.

The only thing it could be is the caffeine, and it would make sense because the Codeine had added caffeine too!

Holy shit, I did not know people could be *this* sensitive to caffeine!!

Good job she doesn’t drink coffee, tea, energy drinks or pop! She does eat chocolate fine though. Here are a few articles I found on caffeine sensitivity:

Mental Illness or Caffeine Allergy?

http://www.doctoryourself.com/caffeine_allergy.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/02/20/varying-effects-of-caffeine_n_6671788.html

 

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Tired

My sleep has finally caught up with my collapsing mood.

I’d been sleeping no more than five hours a night, then the past two night I’ve had over 11 hours sleep each night. It always shocks me how quickly that can happen.

I could have slept all day today.

I went to bed at 10pm, woke up after 9am and had to force my eyes open and get Gog to help get me out of bed, otherwise I knew I really would go back to sleep and sleep all day.

Everything about me is tired. My eyes are tired and heavy, I’m tired of life and these fucking mood swings, even my bones feel tired.

I have no patience and find myself digging my nails into my skin every time I snap at my partner or the pups, because I HATE when I do that.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I’m tired of this.