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MH stigma

Can we take a moment here…an account supposedly dedicated to posting FACTS, posted this utter bullshit. Ugh, gross…

I’ve had another crummy day for seizures (it makes me very sad that today counts as a ‘better’ day, with ‘only’ 17 seizures 😭), so instead of writing anymore in just gonna post some memes 🙂

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Blinded by depression

I’ve been sapped into a huge depressive black hole.

The depression has consumed me for the past few weeks, and it shows no sign of abating. There are a few little chunks over in this post on my other blog, if anybody is interested.

A lot of Spoonies have been sharing these to try end stigma and fight the shame. Here is mine.

I’m sharing some colouring from the past year. No words needed.

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Learning sign language

When I’m very panicked / low, I sometimes go non verbal. It used to happen A LOT as a teenager, but still happens occasionally now.

I learnt a little BSL as a teen so I could say yes, no etc, but now after certain seizures, I can’t talk for 20-90 minutes. I can think, I can write, but talking is extremely difficult and often flat-out impossible.

So we’re going to learn sign language, so we have a way to communicate.

My partner is absolutely dreadful with miming, he can’t get the simplest thing, and writing out every single thing I want to say is infuriating and takes sooo long…

We’re actually learning ASL over BSL, because the ASL books were a lot better – clearer photos, more choice etc. The first thing I’ve spent my Christmas money on, I’m quite excited 🙂

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manic

I. CAN’T. SIT. STILL.

This has come out the blue I ahven’t been manic in so damn long and yep the last few months have been really stressful and this week has been really really stressful, but really, I haven’t been manic 8in so long so what the hell?!

This week one of our dogs was killed which was awful obviously. Yesterday I took my assistanc dog in training to a puppy obedience class, our first time, went with my partner of course…first time I’ve been actually outr in public in nmonths and months, and I guess that combined with grievbeing = manic me.

My partner’s podcasting and there has never been anything as hard as trying to hold rthis energy in

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All the good stuff…

Wow these last few weeks have been tough.

Here are a few things that have happened:

  1. I told my parents I no longer wanted any contact or relationship with them – this is after years of despicable treatment and misery, so it’s a great thing, but it was stressful!
  2. I’ve started having seizures more often, and have been having 1-15 seizures a day…this sucks and means I’m tired and miserable
  3. My mood has been very very low, and the past few days I was battling some intense suicidal thoughts

I’ve lost a lot of days recently to a foggy, confused and sluggish brain. Seizure fun. Some days it will be about 10pm before I feel like myself and my head clears. The other day for example I couldn’t remember anything we had done all day, at all. I even forgot an entire dog walk we did.

Yesterday I had ZERO SEIZURES which was nice, although it was a tough day emotionally.

The suicidal drive is falling, today I’m doing better than I have in a long time.

Swings and roundabouts…or seizures and depression 😛

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Our own language

Quite often, and for long periods of time, I go mute.

I’ve been doing this since I was a young teen. I’d go days without really talking. My friends knew I wouldn’t respond to them verbally, my teachers knew I wouldn’t / couldn’t answer the register in class, and I just wouldn’t talk. I was quiet at the best of times, in class especially, but out of this selective mutism I was noisy and fun-loving with my friends.

Depression would change that, drastically and often, and people accepted this.

The silence has clung with me over the past decade, and even with my partner there will be periods of hours or days where I’ll say barely a word.

Being silent feels wonderful. It feels like hiding under a duvet from the world.

It’s not that I don’t want to communicate with people, especially my partner who I love and trust…it’s more that it’s too much effort, I don’t have the strength, and I worry about every little thing I say. Depression hits me that way.

On top of that there are days where I’m disassociating, days where my psychosis has my tongue tied and unable to get what I want to say from my brain and out my mouth. Most times I can write or type, so we’ve often used that as a way to communicate, but outside is tough.

Over the last year we’ve kind of invented our own language, our own sign language.

We have dozens of words and phrases; two different ways of saying I love you!

We can’t talk easily or quickly, but I can answer questions, ask for things, say yes and no, or tell him I need help.

Not only does this REALLY help me in terms of depression, when I’m just feeling the need to be quiet, or if my brain-to-mouth is befuddled, but it’s great for my paranoia too. I tend to talk in codes when we’re out in public, and my partner often gets confused about what the hell I’m talking about…

I get frustrated at the time because I think I’m being so obvious, and I’m so anxious someone will hear what I’m saying if I don’t make it code. With sign language, we can talk about a lot of things without me worrying, even in public.

And the really great thing is that, as some of the signs are subtle or very hard to interpret, I can make them around other people, family members or friends. Even in the company of others I can tell my partner I don’t feel good or I need help.

Very handy 🙂

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Unwell in every way

Uuuuugh.

Alongside bipolar fun, I’ve been feeling crappy physically too recently.

I’ve had a lot of migraines and a lot of neck and back ache (which usually happens daily in a depressive episode but I haven’t been depressed recently!), and then today was the icing on the cake.

I’m sleeping more atm (12 hours up from 8-9 hours). At the beginning of this week I had a two day migraine, which left me in so much pain I couldn’t do anything.

Ever since that I’ve had ear ache in my left ear and just felt really tired. Then today I woke up with a really sore neck which leeched into a headache.

Since early morning I’ve had a really bad allergic reaction ALL DAY to something in the house…I should add I don’t really have any allergies, I’ve tested allergic to tree pollen but nothing else. We don’t have any trees in our house haha and nothing’s changed over the past few weeks, yet today my body is claiming I am allergic to everything in the house. Outside I’m better, little snuffly-sneezy but nothing like inside.

This seems to happen with me, every other month or so I have a day or two where allergies cripple me and I don’t know why.

So all day today I’ve been sneezing, big painful sneezes with a tickley throat, nose and itchy eyes. The sneezes result in a bloody nose and a very sore throat. 24/7 irritation is awful and I feel sorry for people who have allergies this bad daily!!

I feel absolutely exhausted. Totally drained. My head is all muggy like when you have a cold and I still have ear ache. I ended up sleeping until early afternoon so I’ve only been up 8 hours and I’m knackered and definitely ready for bed.

*sneeze*