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Aaaaagh everything is fucked

My hpomania has been building this past week.

The approach of summer is possibly my biggest trigger, and every single year as the days start getting longer and brighter, I struggle with sleep and rising mania.

I’ve gone from reduced sleep, to very little sleep, to last night 5am coming and going, and not being able to sleep.

Add this to seizures, and life is…interesting!

Today I had my most intense aura for seizures ever, followed almost instantly by seizures, big ones. I was irritable, then exhausted, then felt ill. I was okay a few hours later, now here I am feeling intensely fucking manic, which I’m 99.9% is a side effect of seizures and not actual mania….because it came out of nowhere and followed significant seizures.

Very confusing XD

AAAGH SO MUCH ENERGY WHAT DO I DO *proceeds to bounce off walls*

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Migraines

My head is so sore lately.

It doesn’t take much at all to trigger a headache, and it doesn’t take much at all for it to lead into a migraine. My neck’s being a pain in the arse too, any time it even slightly aches, it decides to make a big deal out of it and cause a headache / migraine…me and my neck are arch enemies XD

My mood’s weird today. I’m not sure if maybe it’s not bipolar-related but actually seizure-related, and I’m just in for a tough day seizure wise.

I never knew seizures affected mood so much, but before certain seizures I either feel incredibly depressed or full of rage. So much rage I am scared I’m going to hurt myself (last time the urge to punch through glass was so strong I had to sit on my hands and bit my tongue until it bled) or my partner. After seizures my mood tends to be one of two ways – very sad and very teary, or completely off the walls energetic crazy. It is exactly like being manic, but it’s not mania, it’s just seizure after effects!

So it’s all really weird and confusing.

To say how many stressors there are at the moment though (new puppy, physical pain, seizures to deal with) I feel like we’re actually doing pretty good…no consistent suicidal urges for days, missing sleep but coping, dealing with seizures without wanting to curl into a ball under a duvet and never emerge ever again XD

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Sleep

I’m not sure I’ve ever slept so much in my life, even the times I’ve slept a stupid amount due to depression.

This time the sleep is caused by seizures – not only have we figured that lack of sleep is a surefire way to guarantee a day filled with seizures, but we’ve also discovered that napping when I feel even slightly tired is great for resetting my brain.

Yesterday I had a lot of seizures and ended up sleeping 4pm-6am, today I had a few absence seizures but otherwise was good, but still needed a 2hr nap around 3pm. No seizures since and my head isn’t even that spacey 🙂

It’s so easy for mental health professionals, or family and friends, to say that the most important thing we can do is stick to a schedule – especially a sleep schedule!

But there are a lot of illnesses where, if we listen to our body, sleep can be extremely beneficial and we should sleep whenever we need to. Sleep’s wonderful for healing, it can help boost your mood, reset your brain, and often you feel more energised.

For five years I had every single professional tell me how important it was to stick to a sleep schedule, that I MUST NOT sleep more than 8 hours a night and I must NEVER EVER EVER nap in the day.

And I tried to live that way for years, and it was hell!

Now I listen to my body. I nap when it says I need to, if I wake from a nap and I’m still tired I’ll return to bed and sleep until my body is ready to wake…it’s been amazingly helpful. Nine times out of ten when I wake my head is clear, my mood is brighter, and I have absolutely no inklings of a seizure.

The way me and my partner summed it up today is: we’d rather I lost a few hours to a nap and woke feeling better, than fought through tiredness and had multiple seizures, losing a whole day and risking injury. It’s not rocket science.

Medical professionals have their place and sure, they can have useful advice to offer…but at the end of the day you know your body best, and if you’ve been struggling with an illness for years you’ll most likely know what works for you best. Back to those blanket statements again, huh?! 😀

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I’m a mess…oh wait, I feel okay

This mish mash of symptoms is driving me crazy. Literally I guess.

I’m dealing with so many bloody fluctuations a day I can’t cope. What one hour might seem like a good day the next seems like the utter worst.

This isn’t down to Bipolar symptoms entirely, as my Bipolar mood swings tend to last weeks or months. It’s a combination of Bipolar mood swings, psychosis, anxiety, sleep and medication side-effects.

At the moment I think my Bipolar mood is tilting towards hypomania, which means I’m antsy, bored and wanting to spend more. It also adds towards my irritability.

My psychosis leaves me on edge, but at its’ worst it can make me entirely zone out and become unresponsive or leave me too panicked and terrified to talk. I also struggle to concentrate and can get antsy because my brain’s fried and trying to do too much at once.

Anxiety obviously always makes things ten times harder, but thankfully this hasn’t been *too* much of an issue recently.

Lack of sleep leaves me in a variety of states, ranging from utterly exhausted and unable to do anything, to pissed off and hating the world, or manic. The worst thing is, because I’m so bad at sleeping, catching up on sleep takes a long time and napping is impossible.

And then we have medication side-effects. A weird out-of-touch woozy head (dissociation), often tinted with a far away rage and inability to calm myself.

Ah, joy.

All this spinning around madly inside me, fluctuating by the hour. It must be so nice to be able to react normally to things and know who you are as a person…

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Day 6 of Citalopram

Gog here.

I think today is day 6 of Anon taking Citalopram to try help her panic. I can’t say I’ve noticed any improvement in her mood or her anxiety, BUT we haven’t had a day of entire panic since. Hmm, coincidence?

It’s probably too early to tell still, but we can hope.

Side effects include weird sleep (struggling even more than usual to get to or remain asleep, although maybe this was happening before she started the drug and we didn’t notice properly) and nausea. Lots of nausea. And weird having no appetite, then getting instantly ravenous (which she has always done) but then filling and feeling sick after just a few bites of food.

The nausea and the sleep sucks, and what makes it suck more is she has taken Citalopram three different times prior to this, if I remember correctly, and it’s never once given her side effects before.

We have had an immensely stressful week, so I am relieved we are doing as ‘well’ as we are, in that Anon’s mood hasn’t hit crisis levels in either direction and, although she has cried a lot, she is managing better than I could have ever expected.

To cut a long story short we have had several completely unexpected pet deaths, and then the new kitten we adopted less than two weeks ago, well…he has a congenital health issue that is very serious.

We could put him through surgery, but it is immensely high risk. There’s an extremely high chance he would die, recovery would take months and months, and even if he recovered (because what he has is so rare) vets can’t be sure the operation would even help, or be sure the condition wouldn’t just return.

The condition is so rare our vet has never seen it, and none of the vets at our surgery are equipped to treat it, he would have to go to a specialist.

So our options were an operation that would cost around £3000 and could result in our kitten dying or not being at all improved, or return him to where we adopted him from and they would almost definitely have him put to sleep.

This was horrible. Devastating.

After talking with our vet and a friend who is a long-term cat owner, we have decided we will keep our kitten, and just love him and dote on him for as long as we have him.

He is the best cat in the world, and as long as he is happy, we will love him. If his symptoms worsen, or he becomes seriously ill, we will help him cross to rainbow bridge.

 

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Why am I suddenly nocturnal??

My sleep had been regular for weeks and weeks.

It’s a rarity for my sleep to be *so* predictable, I can only remember one other time it followed such a regular pattern in the past few years. For probably around 2 months now I’ve been going to bed between 10-11pm and, although the amount of sleep I’ve needed has varied, bedtime has stayed the same.

That’s pretty phenomenal, and most nights I was even averaging 7-8.5 hours sleep a night, regardless of mood.

Then, all of a sudden and within the past three days, I’ve become nocturnal again. This seems to happen very occasionally (only a few times a year) – it just happens, out the blue.

Last time it happened we were entirely nocturnal, and it lasted for months…bed at 7am, up at 5pm! My sleep was impossible to rectify, and we really did try – then all of a sudden, one night, it just changed back.

We can never pinpoint a trigger (after all, life is always incredibly stressful) and it’s not mood dependent…that is, I don’t just go nocturnal because I’ve gone manic or depressed. It just happens.

It started slowly one night a few nights ago; I wasn’t tired at our usual bedtime, and it was midnight when we went through. I didn’t really think anything of it, it was only an hour or so different.

Then the next few nights, I was going to bed at 2am at the earliest. From nowhere. If I try go to bed earlier, at my usual time, I’m awake for hours and end up incredibly frustrated.

I feel awful when my sleep pattern changes so drastically. It can’t be easy for my partner to adjust alongside…

The past week I’ve been wearing a blindfold in bed, in case I’m really sensitive to light. I think it’s helped a little, especially when I wake up partway through the night or in the early morning. When I first go to bed, instead of it taking me hours to fall asleep, one night I fell asleep in as little as 20 minutes. Last night it still took over an hour though :/

I’ve had to fight for sleep for years now, even if I’m exhausted I have to fight for sleep. It really, really pisses me off. I used to love my sleep 😦

I longingly remember the days when I’d fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow…

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Dude seriously?!

I woke up before 6am today after having over a dozen consecutive nightmares.

I’ve woken up feeling traumatised haha…I mean, not really, but I feel pretty damn anxious and scared.

I know there were some I haven’t remembered. Others are feelings of dread with a vague storey line, or just one character from the dream but no idea what else happened…others I can remember fairly clearly.

In every nightmare towards the end, I knew I was dreaming and that things were going to go seriously wrong, but I couldn’t wake myself up.

Yelling at the top of my voice worked for a while (or at least I thought it did in the dream, I’m not sure I really woke up at all now). I was jumping through windows, causing myself pain, flailing my body madly in a hope it would wake me up…only to fall straight into another nightmare.

I woke up at 5.50am to a tremendous, house-shaking bang…only I don’t think it was real anymore, I think that was the ‘icing on the cake’ nightmare 😛

Nightmares are kinda like scary hallucinations, only as you sleep. You’re just as powerless to stop them.

Regardless I was glad to actually be awake, and then I started worrying that our fish tank had exploded or something and that was the bang, so I got up out of bed and called my partner, who was out walking one of the dogs.

He should be back any minute. I’m seriously not going back to sleep…