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No Mother’s Day for you

Anyone who has followed this blog for a while will know how my relationship with my parents upsets me, and how it always has.

My childhood was awful, and I’m confident a lot of their behaviours pushed me towards a fair chunk of my mental health issues now. Since leaving home at 18 they’ve been just as bad, but thankfully I don’t interact with them much anymore.

My parents entirely lack support for any of my issues.

It’s always me chasing after them to talk with them, making sure I phone on Mother’s Day, remember birthdays etc. They never get in touch with me to ask how I am, and for the longest time when I tried to talk about seizures I was met with silence or whistling as they watched TV. Insulting…

I am hugely pissed off right now because today is Mother’s Day.

I tried to call them first thing in the morning to wish my mum happy mother’s day. With having seizures I never know how my day’s gonna be, or how cognitive I will be in the evening, so I try do important things as soon as the day starts.

Both my calls went unanswered, so I waited until evening to get in touch again as I knew they’d have sunday lunch with my dad’s mum, and then go to my mum’s sister for a family meal in the evening to celebrate mother’s day. It’s been this way for years.

I sent my dad a message at 7pm asking when they’d be home so I could ring, and he said soon.

We exercised our dogs so they’d be tired for a call, and I shut all the curtains and sat under a blanket so my seizures would hopefully not make an appearance (light changes at dusk and the added brightness of lamps and screens are a huge trigger).

We’re waiting and waiting, doing nothing but hanging about so I can wish my mum happy mother’s day.

At 9.15pm I send my dad a message saying we have stuff to do now; my puppy on crate rest needs toileting and sorting, my dogs need letting out, feeding etc. I can’t sit under a fucking blanket any longer and my dogs can’t wait any longer…we waited two damn hours and he didn’t even let us know when he’d be ready -__-

He messaged back saying he was ‘just about to message us’ and ‘would ring in five minutes’.

Too late. Sick of your bullshit. Wish mum a happy mother’s day from me, I guess. Or not. I am beyond caring…

Someone please tell me how to cut ties with my parents, because I always go crawling back to them and I just want all this crap to stop.

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Please share our go fund me

Hello everyone,

Our littlest was run into by a much larger dog on a walk yesterday, and after x-rays today she has completely shattered all the bones connecting to her toes in her front left paw.

The vet has given us two options, both of which would leave her with pain, lameness, and arthritis. After much research we think it would be kinder to have the leg amputated, but this is even more expensive than the operation the vet wanted to do.

Please if you could share our campaign it would be extremely appreciated, and if you can spare any cash at all it will go to a great cause!

Tolly’s fund

bagdog1

stoopidboo8

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Today, we coped

We had a rough day today.

Seizure rage / shitty mood in the morning. Then on a dog walk our smallest pup was badly injured when another much larger dog ran into her. She hurt her front leg badly and it was very scary.

This was obviously incredibly stressful; she was in a lot of pain, she’s the sweetest little girl so it was awful to see, and thanks to benefits stopping for no reason and without telling us, we have no money.

Our benefit was suspended for a mistake that a GP wrote in a letter, we weren’t told they had been suspended and so had already missed a month’s money, and now they’re making us jump through a hundred hoops before they restart it. And, because that benefit was suspended, another has had to stop until the first has resumed.

We have literally no money.

As soon as we realised we had virtually no income we bought some dog food in so the pups would be okay, and have been on zero spends. Our amazing friend surprised us with half a dozen bags of food recently, it was amazing and we were so grateful, so we won’t have to use a food bank. But an emergency vet bill is not what we needed right now.

Thankfully my partner met up with his grandparents last week and we were given some belated Christmas money. We have £200 thanks to my partner’s family, and can scrape together £100 from our bank accounts if we abandon rent / emergency money.

We phoned the vet at the time of the accident and made an appt for this evening, but they only do ‘non-emergency’ (ie. if the dog’s not going to die) x-rays in the morning. So now we have the exam AND probable x-ray tomorrow morning.

In the meantime our little pup has been having a ton of cuddles. She has done SO WELL. She bounced back super quick, she hasn’t seemed in pain after the first hour (although can’t bear any weight on the leg), and it’s her wrist / around the dew claw that’s injured and not her leg, thank god.

With all this massive amount of stress, I’ve amazingly not been lost to a day of seizures or fallen on a suicide attempt or being overwhelmed with panic. I’m wondering if this is the CBD oil helping my MH symptoms?

I’ve been scared and anxious and sad, yes, but I think given the circumstances that is totally normal.

I’m actually proud of myself. Which feels weird haha. Usually a routine vet appt freaks me out so…yeah, I’m proud. And so relieved that my little one is doing as well as can be expected.

Now just please let the appt go okay, because I love my baby so much…

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Screwed up kids *trigger warning*

I was one of those kids that was obviously a little messed up.

I had my first suicide attempt at 10 years old; I tried to flush my head down a toilet. A teacher found me, and it was never mentioned again. I began self harming around the same time, and sustained injuries including a dislocated thumb whilst I was still at primary school and broken wrist at 13. I was totally unaware of the idea of self harm, cutting as a way to hurt etc.

I never had any confidence. I always thought I was a disappointment, I was excruciatingly shy, I hated my weight and began restricting my calorie intake whilst still at primary school.

My Grandad fought lung cancer for several years, and for a child I was too involved in his care. I was 11-13 years old, the responsibility was huge!

Around that time, I began restricting what I ate in earnest. I would go all day eating nothing, then binge mid-afternoon before anybody returned to the house. By sixteen I was eating under 200 calories Mon-Thurs, binging on Thursday, restricting below 500 up until Sunday, and then on Monday the cycle would repeat.

Compulsive exercising snuck up on me too; what started as ‘just walking home from school’ (a 45-60 minute walk) progressed to hours of exercise every day. At my worst I was eating less than 500 calories a day and exercising for a minimum of four hours.

I lost close to 3 stone over a period of about 5 months, and I was slender to start with. Despite the obvious transformation and my clear struggle with food, my parents seemed oblivious, with my mum even feeding into my disordered thinking by complimenting me on my weight loss.

At fifteen my parents accidentally saw some self harm on my arm. I was lying on a bed and my pyjama sleeve had ridden up far enough to expose cuts. Instead of support, I was ridiculed and called ’emo’. That was one of the lowest points in my life.

At school teachers knew I was battling demons, but nobody did anything.

Throughout my teenage years I had a dozen suicide attempts, wasted years starving my body, and was filled wityh despair, darkness, lonliness and self hatred. Shying away from family events, plans with friends, and instead holing myself up in my room thinking about how much I despised myself, how I’d be better off dead, and exercising crazily.

I received zero help until I was 19, when my boyfriend said I needed to go to the Dr’s as I had been suicidally depressed for several months. Despite my first suicide attempt being at 10 years old, I wasn’t pushed for help until 19.

When you’ve been dealing with mental illness so long, and since you were so young, you don’t realise a) how sick you are, or b) how ‘wrong’ your emtotions and thoughts are.

I didn’t realise that the depth of my despair wasn’t normal. I didn’t know most my peers didn’t feel this way.

The NHS is a shambles with MH support, and I basically never received adequate care. My bf has done more for my mental health than the NHS ever did. I still have extremely poor body image. I still have periods of battling suicidal thoughts, I have unchecked bipolar, I’m often overwhelmed with anxiety…and now I have psychosis and seizures thrown into the mix too!

But mentally, I am stronger. I feel better in myself.

Who knows if having support when younger would have helped me now -would I have been a fully functioning member of society? Idk. What I can tell you is that I would have loved someone to help me back then.

I would have loved someone to sit me down and say “look, you’re not okay. I know you need help and I’m going to make sure you get the help you deserve.”

I would have loved anything to make me feel less alone and scared.

It’s a crying shame that CAMHS (the children & adolescent MH services) are a sack of shit in the UK. We are doing a huge disservice to young people by brushing them aside when they are asking, crying, begging for help. How many adults are still battling such fierce demons because as children they were ignored?

It’s not enough to say that every childhood has rough bits, that every teenager goes through periods of being ‘sad’…that’s not okay.

  • Kids can have mental illnesses, kids can need support.
  • Teenagers can be lost in the darkness and need someone to guide them back to light.
  • Eating disorders are hell, no matter what your weight. Not everybody battling a severe ED is underweight!!

Everybody deserves to be listened to, and to be supported

That is a *huge* thing lacking in the NHS. They don’t want to listen, they want to wash their hands of you and move you along as quickly as possibly. You won’t feel heard, you won’t feel validated.

Hell, I had a GP appt last week to talk about my seizures. The GP let me say two sentences about them, said they didn’t sound like ‘typical’ seizures as I wasn’t convulsing on the floor (oh I’m sorry, have you never heard of simple / complex partial seizures?!) and told me I’d have to wait 9+ months to be seen by someone with knowledge about seizures…she blamed my MH entirely, and didn’t want anything to do with that.

We shouldn’t be ignoring these ‘broken’ kids…we should be reaching out to them and helping to glue them back together.

When I was a teenager, nobody knew where to turn for help – not me or my friends. They were scared for me at various points, and desperately wanted an adult to help out – when I fainted due to not eating enough, when they saw my arm and it was laced with dozens and dozens of cuts, when I’d taken an over dose…they were frantic to help, but had no idea how. Who could they tell?

Not a teacher, who wasn’t approachable and would just tell my parents without trying to help me at all. Not my parents, who (at the time) reacted to everything with either ridicule or anger…where do you go? Who do you tell? What do you know at 13 / 14 / 15 years old?

There needs to be more understanding. More information. Mental health needs to be taken seriously. There needs to be adequate support and treatment for those struggling.

The world keeps talking about how much money is being poured into the NHS for mental health. Celebrities are all coming out saying they have depression, anxiety, bipolar, and there’s no need to hide it…but there is.

There is SO MUCH stigma in the world. People are disgusted by mental illnesses. People are scared by anything other than anxiety or depression. People think you are faking it. The NHS doesn’t want to help those suffering from mental illness; benefits won’t believe you need assistance if you look physically well.

We need a huge overhaul here.

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What to call but ‘ugh’?

I’m at the bottom, I’ve sunk so deep I’m surrounded by despair.

Yesterday I had my first medical appt in a year and it was awful and just reminded me completely of why I stopped going. The Dr was rude, dismissive and had no appreciation for how scared I was, either about the appt or the fact I’ve started having seizures with no history of seizures. I broke down in the appt and cried uncontrollably.

Benefits have stopped two of them because they ‘thought’ we were receiving universal credit (we weren’t, we never have) and now are refusing to start. We are now receiving only 80% of our usual income.

My seizures are off the chart, I feel like shit all the time, I’m constantly close to tears.

I’m totally done with my partner and everything he does makes me angry. Twice he’s left some fucking quail eggs in an incubator in a stupid place and twice it’s been knocked off and smashed and I am just so done.

I’ve not been happy with our relationship in so long because he let some things get too far to be repairable, but we keep trying and trying and I don’t want to anymore.

The ‘kill yourself’ voice is whispering away and I’m just sat here with no energy for anything.

Funnily enough before yesterday we’d been doing pretty good. Things change easily, all it takes is one bad thing to happen and if I don’t have the stamina to resist those suicidal whispers it can happen. And that’s what nobody understands. Maybe it’s because I’ve felt like this so many times before, so now when I feel like I’m drowning I have less fight, less energy to kick up to the surface.

It’s like when people say “it’ll get better, look for the nice weather after the storm” – and I’m there thinking ‘sure, but then another even worse storm follows that…’

Bipolar is an illness that takes you round in circles, with no end in sight. Telling me “it’ll get better” doesn’t help, because there’s always another storm coming…

I am not in any danger at all. I have no strong urges or plans, they’re just whispers. These are just feelings.

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Full of seizure rage and the worst day ever

I’m so fucking pissed right now.

I have tried so many fucking things to try stop these seizures and they’re just as bad if not worse. You piece of shit CBD oil!! I’m doubling the dose, if this doesn’t help I’m pouring it down the bloody sink.

On top of that today we had to have my dog that was terminally ill PTS and my heart broke. I didn;’t even get to go to say bye as on th way to the vets I started having seizures, so thanks for that seizures.

And earlier in the day my assistance dog hurt her leg and was screaming in pain, we were stuck 30+ minutes from home and it was all shit. Thankfully we made it home, she hasn’t limped since, and after speaking with our vet she should be okay,.

So ready for this day to end I despise ABSOLUTELY DESPISE seizure rage. How is it possuible to feel this angry?!?!?!?!

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Lose control, gain control *ed trigs*

From the age of 16 – 21 I battled anorexia.

I first recovered at 20 years old, then had  a slip when I was 21. My partner helped me recover, and for several years after that I maintained a healthy weight. I was then put on a variety of psych meds and gained a lot of weight, and was never really able to lose all of it again…regardless my body image was much better and I was enjoying food, even if I did have periods where I despised the way I looked.

This past month has seen those ED thoughts raise their ugly heads, and I didn’t know why (after 6 years since my last blip) it had happened…I figured it out a few days ago, I think.

I started having a lot of seizures within the past 6 months, and I think the lack of control and helplessness has definitely pushed me towards ED thoughts (lots of control there!), and on top of that one of my dogs is very sick. Not only a huuuuge stressor, but my initial descent into disordered eating at the age of 12 (and my ‘blip’ at 21) were triggered by family members being terminally ill.

Having these thoughts fill my head again after so long is truly, truly bizarre…and, if I’m honest, extremely exciting.

I am thrilled about the control, the inevitable weight loss, and falling back into old habits is like putting on a comfortable old pair of shoes. It’s comforting, it really is.

I’m hugely massive now, so losing weight isn’t a concern, and I’ll never get anywhere near my lowest weight. I’d love to have that BMI of 15 again, but lets be honest it’s never going to happen.

Regardless I’m happy to be falling back into this, but I won’t let it get silly.

I’ve only acknowledged and acted on the the thoughts for four days so far, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised with how easy it has been so far. I’ve lost weight already and the comfort it’s brought has been great. It’s just…so so weird after not even thinking like this for many years.