Blinded by depression

I’ve been sapped into a huge depressive black hole.

The depression has consumed me for the past few weeks, and it shows no sign of abating. There are a few little chunks over in this post on my other blog, if anybody is interested.

A lot of Spoonies have been sharing these to try end stigma and fight the shame. Here is mine.

I’m sharing some colouring from the past year. No words needed.


Stuck stuck stuck

Gog phoned up Mind and Bipolar UK today, to ask for absolutely any ideas on how we can move forward in getting help…neither had any suggestions.

Mind was the most helpful surprisingly (in fact Bipolar UK kinda sucked, which shocked us because they’re normally *really* helpful). Mind told us to ring a different local branch of social services, and said they can send out one of their trained volunteers to offer support, as a kind of in-between step, a kind of practice appt.

I’ve had Valium a few times today, whenever my panic’s been suffocating. I can feel the fear bubbling beneath, but it’s not overwhelming when I’ve had a Valium, and I can let my mind rest and concentrate on other things. I’ve been colouring again.

I’ve had some wildly low moments today. I’ve had some incredibly angry and frustrated moments, and I’ve felt lonely and hopeless all day.

I feel stuck, and like my Bipolar has bested me once and for all. I’m ready to give up. Really, I just want all this fear and pain to stop.

I don’t know where we go from here, because I can’t get help, I can’t go to appts…I have a panic attack whenever I talk about them with my partner.

fucking hate Bipolar.



Another nightmare yesterday.

This one involved me walking our oldest dog, and my partner was up ahead because we’d had an argument. We were walking from our village into town.

On the opposite side of the road an elderly brindle Staffy was walking past (this is a sweet old dog that we see fairly often). We carried on walking, me and my dog, and a few minutes later I heard the thudding of something running to us behind, and a low threatening growl.

I turned around and there was a HUGE Newfoundland running at us!!

I stood in front of my dog, assuming the Newfie was after him, but the dog ran straight past us…and launched itself at my partner 😥

I dropped my dog’s lead and told him “Run; go home!” (apparently he understood this in the dream) then, screaming hysterically, I started to run to my partner to help, but he seemed so far away. This giant dog was leaping at my partner and savaging, biting him, and he was trying desperately to get away. It was horrible.

As I was running to him a car approached, and I felt overwhelming relief that someone was here to help.

The car stopped, and then begin turning around, to go back the other way. I ran to the car flapping my arms, desperate for them to stop. A man in the back tried to get out to help, but the driver yelled at him and sped off. Meanwhile the dog was still jumping at Gog as he tried to get it away.

Then I woke up. No more sleep for me after that!

Now the terrifying thing was, yesterday we actually walked into town (minus our dog and obviously walking together), and at the exact point I had seen the brindle Staffy in my dream, we saw the brindle Staffy…IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE AS MY DREAM! I don’t know what that means, Gog says it means nothing but I’m always convinced random things mean something. I was pretty freaked out, and Gog had to work hard to keep me calm.

Tonight I didn’t have any nightmares, but I did wake up at 5am with my mouth flooded with acid, so much so that I started coughing and choking. I never had a problem with acid reflux before I took Quetiapine / Ebesque last year. I’ve been off that med since summer and still have acid reflux 😦

Has anyone else had this?!

So I am awake early again. I’ve been doing some colouring. We spent £7 that we don’t have on some posh colouring markers yesterday…they haven’t been as good as we hoped, because all the colours are far darker then their lids, but they’re still cool!

We have too many colouring pens to fit in our home-made container now 😀


It was so full we couldn’t get them out; if you held it upside down none fell haha!

I switched our rodent food into a different tub, and now the pens have a new home 🙂


And my awesome dog colouring book, this is one of the quickest / easiest ones in there.