Self-harm, suicidal and seizures, oh my…

Really, really shitty few days.

Seem to be having a mixed episode. This presents as not being able to sleep or concentrate at all, with the extra bonus of intense depression. W00t. Factor in several dozen seizures a day and I am struggling. Greatly.

Felt very unsafe these past few days. My partner was catching up with me on a walk yesterday and I almost jumped in front of a van. I wasn’t even really thinking about it, it was an impulsive urge that almost just happened.

I broke today. I couldn’t cope with the self hatred going round and round in my head. So I cried and cried and then I self-harmed. I think it’s only maybe the third time I’ve self-harmed this year.

Very grateful to my partner. Don’t deserve him, am an awful human.

Let’s hope tomorrow is a better day.


I’m so tired

I’m so tired of fighting. The constant changes are exhausting and horrible.

My partner turned to me in alarm this evening and said “What’s going on with you sweetpea? You’re flitting from happy to sad so quickly.” I replied, completely expressionless, “I’m bipolar, what do you expect?” Which at least is amusing, even if that isn’t what bipolar is at all!

My partner was dot on though. I’m so tired from yo-yo’ing and having to deal with super fast switches of energy and impulsiveness, happiness and sadness, confidence and hopelessness.

I’m tired of trying so hard to focus, on ANYTHING, and it being such a struggle because all I can hear is things that aren’t real and I know, I *know*, that there’s something sat watching me at the other side of the room – but don’t look, DON’T LOOK, must appear normal.

The other day two noisy things played at once on our computer, a game and some wrestling my partner was watching. The noise immediately drove him to distraction and he raced to the volume to mute it whilst he got it sorted. He literally couldn’t cope.

Grinning, I said “Now you know what auditory hallucinations are like!”

Although it was a joke, it was true. Fighting so hard to concentrate, understand what people are saying to me or what I’m reading or watching, AND trying to appear normal is just…exhausting. And impossible.

Please world…just give me some stability. Just give me some moods that don’t rate 10/10 on the richter scale. Just give me something.

Again, anybody reading, please don’t tell me that things ‘will get better’ or that I should ‘go see a professional’. It won’t help, even though I know you mean well, and will just make me feel more hopeless and alone. Thank you for your understanding.


trapped in my body

todays been weird.

My mood’s been terrible kind of manic but intensely irritable. not even irritable, rageous. Over everything. And like a sulky pouty child if my partner asks my something I huff or respond with a petulant NO I hate it.

Then out of nowhere i became mute and still. This happens when I’m stressed or depressed sometimes, I lose myself and will spend hours sitting staring and not moving. Even when my mood’s not too bad I can get stuck gazing at nothing and people will struggle to ‘bring my back’, this has happened since I was at least 16.#

Well today I was literaaly stuck in my body. I couldn’t move couldn;t talk couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t think very well and it was all just very weird.

Bits started coming back. I could move my fingers enough to do jagged writing to try and communicate with Gog, but getting him to understand what I needed and what was going on was difficult. It was intense.

Several hours have passed and I’m still fighting through treacle.

I can move my eyes, move my head slowly, type slowly. I can walk but it doesn’t feel real or right. I can hum but talking and moving my lips and opening my mouth is a real struggle and mostly beyond what I’m capable of.

My thoughts aere mush and I don’t understand where this stream of words and sentences are coming from because I’m just sat here dazed yet my fingers are dancing over the keyboard and words are appearing on the screen from my head.

My head is fucked and I don’t know what this is.

i made Gog look up what a stroke is like and he reassured me it’s not that. I scribbled I thought I had a brain tumour (I always think I have a brain tumour) and he said it’s not that because he’s done lots of research over the years every time I’ve been scared.

Dissociation combined with psychosis combined with catatonia? I don’t know but it’s really not nice and it terrified GOg.

New symptoms appear, everything always gets worse.


Money struggles

Gog here. If you’ve been reading Anon’s posts you will know we have been struggling a lot at the moment, with various things.

Anon’s mood has been absolutely crippling – not just depression, oh no that would be far too easy wouldn’t it, but suicidal depression alongside hateful thoughts towards herself the like of which I’ve never seen, and anxiety that means she can’t breathe when it hits her hard.

That’s been fun.

Alongside all that the rescue puppy we recently brought home has seriously injured her leg, meaning she’s been prescribed 6 weeks crate rest. Because of the lack of exercise she is being an absolute brat (hard things to deal with like barking, whining, an increase in biting which we’d almost gotten rid of etc) and she’s recently decided she doesn’t like her crate, and so whenever we shut the door she is barking and screaming constantly.

This is after we’ve put weeks into crate training and she has always loved her crate, so it’s very hard for us to deal with. I know it doesn’t sound much, but imagine being with a puppy you can’t leave because it panics her, and who barks and tries to run and bite you 24/7 because she has no release for her energy! It’s draining.

Finally we’ve had some serious money issues.

We’ve been struggling with money since the start of this year, after a manic episode brought us down to so little money we had to use a food bank…slowly our money was increasing, even after we unexpectedly brought a puppy home and she had injuries and vaccinations to deal with.

For the past 1.5 months we have had next to no money, and we haven’t known why. It has been incredibly hard to deal with as we had scary vet bills for our dog’s leg, rent bounced last month but we managed to pay it quickly, and we couldn’t afford food yesterday.

I’ve been wanting to get in touch with Anon’s bank to see if we are victims of fraud (this happened with my account a few years ago) but we either have to travel to a branch, which Anon can’t manage due to crowds, public transport, and she’d have to answer security questions – or she has to speak on the phone, something she also can’t do.

Anyway yesterday I phoned the bank and explained everything, and the person we spoke with was actually really helpful. She said she had one question to ask Anon, and it could be done on speaker-phone, so we managed that.

She then went through every transaction from May until now, and I said I was really confused because we didn’t have the money we should, but all the money out was us. Then she realised we hadn’t been getting a regular income payment, it hadn’t come in for the last 6 weeks.

It turns out Employment and Support Allowance had stopped paying us, for absolutely no reason, so for the last 6 weeks we had been living on £220 a month – no wonder we had been struggling with money. I’d really have appreciated it if they had contacted us to let us know they weren’t paying us!

I phoned them up, and the gentleman I spoke to on the phone was absolutely amazing – I wish I had got his name to tell someone he was so kind to us. He said the problem was on their end, and he was so sorry we had had to go through this.

He had to speak to Anon twice, but only in that he had to read things to her and she had to say she agreed – before each time he asked her if she was okay.

Anyway, they are back-paying us £900 which should be here Friday-Monday. We will be able to buy food 🙂

Then today I had to phone up Personal Independence Payment, as we got a stupid letter through the post saying that we must send them evidence about how ill Anon is. Which is ridiculous, as we don’t have anyone who would send evidence, because we have been waiting these past seven months for Anon to see a psychiatrist!!

You can see my issues with PIP here.

I phoned the PIP number, and the person I spoke with was initially very rude and unhelpful – refusing to speak to me and demanding to speak to Anon. Wow yeah, if you think you can talk to her when she is psychotic, suicidal and suffering from a panic attack, go ahead you moron…

Of course I didn’t say that and I’d never put Anon in that position. I patiently explained again and again she couldn’t talk on the phone, I was her registered carer etc.

Finally she was willing to speak with me. I explained there wasn’t any evidence we could send, but if they could access medical records they could see our recent dealings with the NHS – countless appointments with people who prescribed emergency medication and contacted Crisis Team, and obviously our recent trip to A&E because Anon was suicidal, and how the police were called afterwards. I said that should be evidence enough to support everything we had put on the form.

That was pretty much it. I just know they won’t count that as evidence, because it’s not the same as being able to write and talk with a person who has seen Anon several times…but it’s all I can give them, and if anything it should show how bad things are better than talking to a Doctor.

I’m scared that either they are going to give us the same rate again, or more so that they will want to do a face-to-face meeting with Anon (the last one they did, years ago, was terrible.)

How can I explain to them that we can’t even do bloody medical appointments with Anon because she has the most terrifying panic attacks whenever I so much as mention them, so a PIP appointment is a definite no no? They won’t understand that, they won’t even try…

And that’s the end of my money whinging. I sure hope things pick up soon!


It’s all broken

Gog started doing some benefit stuff today.

They wanted to talk to me on the phone, and it always makes me extremely anxious and scared, and they never understand and they’re rude and horrible…I ended up curled up crying with horrible paranoid gross thoughts.

Benefit stuff is going to be ongoing. Phone call in the next few days, forms, wanting to talk to me, face-to-face assessments..

I can’t do this, I really can’t.

We’ve jumped through all their hoops and done everything they’ve asked and they’re still fucking us about, and I can’t deal with the stress.

I’m so scared I’m going to have a full-on mood episode now and I can’t cope with that…manic, depressed, it doesn’t matter, I can’t hack it anymore.

I’ve been trying to reorient myself in various ways; seeing pets, doing productive things, reading and commenting on blogs, writing this…none of it is helping.

I’m going to go do some colouring and try wind down.

Having two dogs means there’s always the pressure of keeping them happy too…it’s hard to get the walks and training and play done when you’re breaking.

My partner’s toileting our oldest and giving him a frozen Kong to tire him a little, then he’s taking our puppy on a small walk and bringing him upstairs to see me…hopefully our pup can help calm me down, he’s often really good at that.

It’s all ruined, I was doing so well 😥


Psychiatrist ignores GP too!

Gog here.

Since the mania broke and Anon fell into a lovely, surprisingly deep, depression we have been struggling.

I don’t know which was worse, the mania or the depression…both can result in Anon harming herself.

Anon struggles more with the depressive side, maybe because these episodes are so common and long-lasting, but also because when she’s manic she has energy and can actually DO things. When she’s depressed even the smallest things sap a lot of her energy.

Earlier today (feels like yesterday to us as we’ve just had a 4 hour sleep!) I phoned the GP to ask for an update after the emergency appointment.

The appointment was only two days ago, but things are bad enough that I wanted to see how it was progressing & get across how urgent it was. Guess what the receptionist said after checking the system?

The GP has tried to get in touch with the psychiatric services to ask for a progress report on getting us an appointment with a psychiatrist, and they haven’t picked up or got back in touch.

The GP has tried to get in touch with them every day, and left a message saying please get back in touch as a matter of urgency. They haven’t.

Anon has said she is having flitting thoughts that suicide is the answer…I guess her previous blog shows that. I’m having to watch her carefully, and am trying very hard to be supportive, gentle and remind her of all the great things we have. She has responded well to this today and a few times has actually enjoyed herself. Better than yesterday!

Our sleep is messed up.

Anon has gone from sleeping 4 hours a night to needing at least 10 hours. We just woke up from a 4 hour sleep and forced ourselves out of bed…hopefully we can fall asleep around 3am and then get up at a respectable time.


We’re not able to be normal

Gog here. We had plans tonight, we were going to meet up with a friend, get a bus into a nearby town, go bowling, get a takeaway and get the bus back.

We were only going to be out three hours, and we had seen the friend at our house for an hour the night before and it had gone fine…I mean okay Anon did fall asleep after twenty minutes because she had one of her frequent bad headaches, but she wasn’t freaking out. We thought the bowling would be good.

We met up with our friend and walked towards the bus stop, and it was all good. We were chatting and joking. It wasn’t until we got on the bus that Anon started having trouble.

I could tell she was uneasy, but she was trying hard to concentrate on what we were saying and join in with the conversation.

Fifteen minutes into the ride Anon was telling a story and that thing happened, where her words completely disappear and she goes blank. She stumbled and stammered and tried desperately to fish the words out of her head, but they were gone. She hates it when that happens, she doesn’t even like it happening around just me.

I think she had issues with a passenger and the security cameras on the bus too.

Before bowling we went to a supermarket to buy drinks and some snacks. By this point Anon was very on edge and I knew she was struggling. She was flapping and tapping her hands (she seems to do this when she is struggling a lot – to calm herself? Distract herself from what she’s seeing/hearing?) and complaining that the lights were horrifically bright in the shop. The nurse we saw last week said this is something to do with the adrenaline; because Anon is panicked all the time she is full of adrenaline, and as a result her pupils change. Lights seem brighter, she gets more headaches, etc.

Anon whizzed around the supermarket doing her own thing; touching things, avoiding aisles that had any other customers in, resting her head against shelves etc. When we got to the checkout she whispered she was ‘fleeing’ and ran outside.

When we went out to meet her she was stood watching something, and beckoned us over. There was a little wild mouse whizzing about, and she laughed because she thought it was a hallucination – it ran right up to her!

Going into the bowling place was the worst mistake we could have made.

Anon was on super high alert…head whipping in all directions, putting herself as far as possible from all the people, touching things, muttering – not good. As me and our friend were trying to work out which deal to go for (I think we both kind of knew it wasn’t working, and were both worried about Anon), Anon came over and touched my arm and ever so slightly shook her head.

She then fled again, and we went out and found her sat on a wall in a dark alley breathing heavily.

It was awkward, trying to find words to ease the tension…Anon was panicked and scared and I knew she felt stupid and confused, too, even though it wasn’t her fault at all. And I assume it was awkward for our friend…it can’t be an easy situation to be in and know what to say.

Anon indicated she needed to go, to get out of the area, probably she felt she was in danger, so we moved on. I suggested we go to the local arcade (it was late and they’re almost always empty anyway) so we headed there.

In the arcade it was much better. Anon has good memories there, the machines act as places she can hide and put distance between herself and strangers, and there weren’t that many other people there anyway…like maybe four people other than us.

Gradually she calmed down. She was still on high alert but she was able to talk, join in conversations.

We very much stuck together in the beginning and did things all together. Our friend is wonderful with Anon and tries his hardest to help her feel comfortable whatever her mood is doing, and so several times me and our friend commented on what a good time we were having and reassured her this was so much better than bowling.

We were there a few hours, it was surprisingly fun. The longer we were there the easier it got for Anon.

We left the arcade and wandered through the bitterly cold wind to the takeaway. I very naturally told Anon “I can hear it” and “I can see it” whenever I saw people or heard noises, because I knew her hallucinations were bad.

After eating our food we stopped off in a pub for an (alcohol free) drink, then wandered over to the bus stop and caught the ride home.

I feel a few ways about this evening.

  1. It’s incredibly sad that we can’t do something so simple as meet up with a friend and go bowling without Anon’s psychosis pushing her to the point where she is so stressed and panicked that she loses the ability to communicate
  2. We need help. Anon needs help. Desperately.
  3. We are lucky to have a friend who is so absolutely understanding of Anon’s psychosis, and who will do everything he can to help and make her feel better

The nurse we saw at the last appointment was supposed to phone today, to tell me what she had sorted out about us seeing a psychiatrist. She didn’t ring. I am unsurprised; I don’t think any mental health professionals have called when they have said they will.