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Non-epileptic seizures

So it seems that what I thought were dissociative episodes are actually non-epileptic seizures, also called functional seizures and dissociative seizures.

I have to have an appt with my GP soon for med re-fill (I haven’t had an appt in a long, loooong time, so this is terrifying) so I’m going to talk about NES with him too. Ugh.

I’ve been having at least one seizure a day. I really don’t know why I’m having so many. Build up seems to last about half an hour, I’m comatose for 10-40 minutes, and then I feel groggy for a good few hours afterwards. The other day I lost six hours to a sezure. I can’t remember almost any of it, and the seizure itself only lasted 30 minutes 😦

My pup is awesome whilst I’m having a seizure and also alerted me a few times before having them, so we will be working on this and I hope she can become my seizure alert dog.

The seizures are really scary and seem easily triggered. Gog doesn’t even want to leave me alone for a second (seriously, when he’s on the loo he’s shouting down to me!!!), because if I have a seizure I could hurt myself, our pup could chew through a wire, anything could happen. It’s really scary, for both of us.

Doing so much research, Gog and I have worked out the best ways that we can help prevent a seizure, bring me back from one etc. One thing we do is with a dog toy, a ball covered in bobbles, and one bobble is missing. My partner passes me it when I’m coming out a seizure and tells me to find the missing bobble.

I didn’t need this on top of Bipolar and psychosis…but we’re finding ways to make it less terrifying. So.

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Panic & dissociation

My anxiety and panic has crept up recently.

I’m not at extreme panic I-have-to-die-immediately stage, but I have moments where my heart races and I feel very scared and just worry about everything. Or moments where I’m fighting off a full blown panic attack and I don’t know why.

I was out on my own yesterday walking our youngest pup, and had this horrible insistent ‘know’ (across between a fact and a voice in your head telling you it’s true?) that absolutely everybody was staring at me, talking about me, following me…not helpful, not nice.

Called the walk short and as soon as she’d done both toileting we fled back to the house, where I spent the next hour fighting tears and a panic attack.

Yesterday or the day before, my partner was out collecting food and I started dissociating. Completely out the blue and badly. When I ‘came back’ my pup was on my lap craning round to look at me, and I was stroking her back repeatedly. Bloody love that dog.

Does anybody else dissociate in different ways btw?

Sometimes it’s like a blackout; I’ll have no idea what I’ve done or where I am when I ‘wake up’. I’ve come to walking in the middle of a field before and not had a clue where I was.

Another time I was walking our Collie cross a few days after a ‘blackout’ and saw lots of my underwear and socks scattered on the ground – apparently I’d done that whilst dissociating, god knows what anybody who saw me thought!!

Then I have one where it feels like I’m not in control. This one causes a lot of panic because I’m walking, talking and acting almost totally normal, but it’s not me controlling myself and it scares me because nobody else notices. I want to get across that someone has control over my body but can’t.

The third is where everything is in slow-mo and I have to fight hard to move and talk. Sentences can take a full minute to say and words get muddled.

I don’t know why I have different episodes, or what triggers what. The blackout’s by far the worst as I remember literally nothing from it…I have no idea what I got up to and obviously don’t know when it’s happening.

It really, really scares me thinking about what I could ‘wake up’ to.

Sometimes I start writing a blog here and it suddenly derails and evolves into an entirely new topic. That’s what happened tonight, I didn’t even mean to write about dissociation 😀

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trapped in my body

todays been weird.

My mood’s been terrible kind of manic but intensely irritable. not even irritable, rageous. Over everything. And like a sulky pouty child if my partner asks my something I huff or respond with a petulant NO I hate it.

Then out of nowhere i became mute and still. This happens when I’m stressed or depressed sometimes, I lose myself and will spend hours sitting staring and not moving. Even when my mood’s not too bad I can get stuck gazing at nothing and people will struggle to ‘bring my back’, this has happened since I was at least 16.#

Well today I was literaaly stuck in my body. I couldn’t move couldn;t talk couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t think very well and it was all just very weird.

Bits started coming back. I could move my fingers enough to do jagged writing to try and communicate with Gog, but getting him to understand what I needed and what was going on was difficult. It was intense.

Several hours have passed and I’m still fighting through treacle.

I can move my eyes, move my head slowly, type slowly. I can walk but it doesn’t feel real or right. I can hum but talking and moving my lips and opening my mouth is a real struggle and mostly beyond what I’m capable of.

My thoughts aere mush and I don’t understand where this stream of words and sentences are coming from because I’m just sat here dazed yet my fingers are dancing over the keyboard and words are appearing on the screen from my head.

My head is fucked and I don’t know what this is.

i made Gog look up what a stroke is like and he reassured me it’s not that. I scribbled I thought I had a brain tumour (I always think I have a brain tumour) and he said it’s not that because he’s done lots of research over the years every time I’ve been scared.

Dissociation combined with psychosis combined with catatonia? I don’t know but it’s really not nice and it terrified GOg.

New symptoms appear, everything always gets worse.