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I despise my parents

Parents should be the people you can rely on most in life to support you…I’m reaching breaking point with my parents yet again 😑

They’re completely unsupportive, which we already knew, but the worst is when I’m telling them something difficult (that I’ve had a lot of seizures, or that I feel extremely sad, that I can’t cope with how poor my quality of life is)…they don’t respond, they don’t care. I called yesterday afternoon and was almost in tears, because sometimes I’m just so overwhelmed by how limited my life is, so lovely…and they were not responding to things I said and YAWNING down the phone at me!

When I hung up, after an incredibly upsetting, frustrating phonecall, they didn’t bother to get in touch or ask how I was at all…my partner stupidly thought they might text and check in, I knew they wouldn’t.

No matter how many times I try explain what my life is like or how awful my seizures are, they can’t grasp it at all, there’s never a hint of understanding or sympathy. Anytime I talk about being disabled I’m met with silence, whistling, or a change of subject. It’s absolutely disgusting.

On some level I know they either care, or want to appear to others (family) as if they care (this charade is *hugely* important to them)…but I can’t do it anymore. I’m tired of having to parent them, of listening to their issues and sympathising with them, whilst I get nothing in return. I’m struggling to live with 12-25 seizures a day, mourning the loss of my independence & any semblance of a life…I just can’t do it.

I tried to ring my dad today to ask about a recording device. I got my PIP letter through (whole other story which I’ll try post about) and the only way they let you record the consultation (which I need otherwise I’ll remember none of it) is if the device creates two hard copies of the recording by the end of the assessment – cassette or CD.

I wanted to ask my dad if he had anything he could lend or any ideas what we could use; he let the phone ring then hung up, twice, and hasn’t attempted to get in touch since 🙄

I put up with an abusive childhood and forgave them. I put up with them mocking my self-harm as a young teen, and forgave them. I put up with them screaming at me when I disclosed my mental health condition, and forgave them. I put up with their entire lack of support or interest when I started having seizures, and forgave them.

But I’m gonna have to have a break, at least for a little while. Putting up with their shit is so bad for my mental health.

If I sound like a whiny dick, I’m sorry. I’ve just put up with too much shit for so long, and sometimes it’s way, way too much.

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We don’t have much money…

…and that’s okay!

Currently we can afford rent, bills and food. So we’re good! In the past we’ve had very very little money…I’m talking need to use a food bank, can’t afford ANYTHING little money. 

It was scary but it means we appreciate what we have, and money is never taken for granted. 

 I get so frustrated with people who are constantly bitching about being poor when they have so much, or who don’t deserve the money they have…life isn’t about money but I’m so damn sick of these idiots 😒

For example my parents can’t stand to hear us talk about money, and every time it’s brought up it’s like we’ve invited them to a challenge?! Like, it’ll come up naturally somehow – they’ll tell us ‘just buy it!’ about something vaguely expensive I want (eg £20 dog harness, or a video game) and I’ll say “oh no, we can’t afford it atm”…and it’s like a little switch flips to CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!

So even though they: own a gorgeous 3 bed house for the 2 of them, have 2 cars, 2 apartments, have been on 5 holidays THIS YEAR, have bought 2 new cars…they immediately go on the defensive to insist they are poorer than us 😩

And god help us if we say they’re not, because then we get lovely ableist arguments, such as – well we have to go to work (great, wish I could work!!).

It shouldn’t rattle me, but this literally happens EVERY time I speak to them and it’s so fucking annoying! We’re poor, we have very little income, we haven’t had a holiday in 5yrs and got excited recently because we bought a £27 game, our second new game of 2017…we spend £20 on each other for Christmas/birthday, and even though we rarely go out so spend money that way, due to seizures, we never feel bad about it! We never even bring money up!!

Or my bf’s brother. He’s in his early 20s, lives with his parents, pays no rent / bills, and has a full time job…yet he spends all his money on drugs and (to a lesser extent) alcohol, so his parents always lend him money!!! Like, WHAT?!?

Life is so fucking unfair 😅

Meanwhile we’re having to fight tooth and nail to get the benefits we’re entitled to, I’m having people left and right call me lazy/telling me to get a job when I’m having 20+ seizures a day and can’t leave the house…ugh. Spoonie life guys, sometimes it just really gets to you…

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No Mother’s Day for you

Anyone who has followed this blog for a while will know how my relationship with my parents upsets me, and how it always has.

My childhood was awful, and I’m confident a lot of their behaviours pushed me towards a fair chunk of my mental health issues now. Since leaving home at 18 they’ve been just as bad, but thankfully I don’t interact with them much anymore.

My parents entirely lack support for any of my issues.

It’s always me chasing after them to talk with them, making sure I phone on Mother’s Day, remember birthdays etc. They never get in touch with me to ask how I am, and for the longest time when I tried to talk about seizures I was met with silence or whistling as they watched TV. Insulting…

I am hugely pissed off right now because today is Mother’s Day.

I tried to call them first thing in the morning to wish my mum happy mother’s day. With having seizures I never know how my day’s gonna be, or how cognitive I will be in the evening, so I try do important things as soon as the day starts.

Both my calls went unanswered, so I waited until evening to get in touch again as I knew they’d have sunday lunch with my dad’s mum, and then go to my mum’s sister for a family meal in the evening to celebrate mother’s day. It’s been this way for years.

I sent my dad a message at 7pm asking when they’d be home so I could ring, and he said soon.

We exercised our dogs so they’d be tired for a call, and I shut all the curtains and sat under a blanket so my seizures would hopefully not make an appearance (light changes at dusk and the added brightness of lamps and screens are a huge trigger).

We’re waiting and waiting, doing nothing but hanging about so I can wish my mum happy mother’s day.

At 9.15pm I send my dad a message saying we have stuff to do now; my puppy on crate rest needs toileting and sorting, my dogs need letting out, feeding etc. I can’t sit under a fucking blanket any longer and my dogs can’t wait any longer…we waited two damn hours and he didn’t even let us know when he’d be ready -__-

He messaged back saying he was ‘just about to message us’ and ‘would ring in five minutes’.

Too late. Sick of your bullshit. Wish mum a happy mother’s day from me, I guess. Or not. I am beyond caring…

Someone please tell me how to cut ties with my parents, because I always go crawling back to them and I just want all this crap to stop.

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All the good stuff…

Wow these last few weeks have been tough.

Here are a few things that have happened:

  1. I told my parents I no longer wanted any contact or relationship with them – this is after years of despicable treatment and misery, so it’s a great thing, but it was stressful!
  2. I’ve started having seizures more often, and have been having 1-15 seizures a day…this sucks and means I’m tired and miserable
  3. My mood has been very very low, and the past few days I was battling some intense suicidal thoughts

I’ve lost a lot of days recently to a foggy, confused and sluggish brain. Seizure fun. Some days it will be about 10pm before I feel like myself and my head clears. The other day for example I couldn’t remember anything we had done all day, at all. I even forgot an entire dog walk we did.

Yesterday I had ZERO SEIZURES which was nice, although it was a tough day emotionally.

The suicidal drive is falling, today I’m doing better than I have in a long time.

Swings and roundabouts…or seizures and depression 😛

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A perfect reminder

Today I got time out the house as my family were nearby, so I went out for a few hours with them.

As our puppy is poorly, my partner stayed home with her.

The entire day everything I did was either connected to my partner (“aw, Gog would have loved this…”) or I was talking about him, constantly. Our lives are so entwined and we’re so in love that I feel hollow spending time without him, and I actually can’t wait to get back to him.

It was a fun day seeing my family; the day was tinged with sadness and I felt like I could cry at the drop of a hat, but that’s usual for a depressive episode…but I just couldn’t wait to get back to Gog.

I bought him some stuff to make up for his lack of a day trip, and it’s so nice to be back with him!

A lot of people say they can’t imagine spending every hour of every day with their partner, but it’s never been difficult for us at all…I know we do have the odd hour apart, for example when Gog walks one of the dogs or pops to the shops, but we can easily spend all day together.

Today reminded me that I love Gog SO DAMN MUCH.

He means the absolute world to me, and without him nothing matters. All I need in life is him. Today was a perfect reminder of how wonderful he is, and how much I adore him.