My sleep has finally caught up with my collapsing mood.
I’d been sleeping no more than five hours a night, then the past two night I’ve had over 11 hours sleep each night. It always shocks me how quickly that can happen.
I could have slept all day today.
I went to bed at 10pm, woke up after 9am and had to force my eyes open and get Gog to help get me out of bed, otherwise I knew I really would go back to sleep and sleep all day.
Everything about me is tired. My eyes are tired and heavy, I’m tired of life and these fucking mood swings, even my bones feel tired.
I have no patience and find myself digging my nails into my skin every time I snap at my partner or the pups, because I HATE when I do that.
I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.
I’m tired of this.
When I’m manic like this I struggle in lots of ways.
Something I find hardest is the boredom. If I’m not doing something that is either very active or very involving, I am battling boredom. The instant I stop doing something, I am struck with the most intense boredom.
Now this isn’t just normal boredom. It’s I can’t think or move or talk or be happy boredom. It’s hard to explain quite how horrible this is or how excruciatingly mentally painful it is.
And when you couple it with racing thoughts, thoughts whirring around your head so fast you can’t understand any of them so you just sit and you just stare at a wall and you’re bored bored BORED…it’s awful. I don’t think I can explain it right, I think it needs a different word to boredom because it’s…more.
Anyway. I’m struggling to sleep a lot again. Lucky if I’m getting six hours a night, which is actually a lot when I’m this manic…Gog says I am quite very manic. I think I’m more hypomanic.
I was rageous for a week right up to a few days ago. Everything pissed me off and I kept trying to break up with Gog because I thought our relationship sucked and we hated each other and blah blah blah…we’ve been together almost 7 years and we adore each other, so that was fun thinking.
Today we’ve had a great, if active, day. Feel sorry for Gog, he hasn’t stopped once…he’ll be ready for bed soon and I’ll be just there, awake, staring at the ceiling bored whilst thoughts bounce around like pinballs in my head.