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Aaaaagh everything is fucked

My hpomania has been building this past week.

The approach of summer is possibly my biggest trigger, and every single year as the days start getting longer and brighter, I struggle with sleep and rising mania.

I’ve gone from reduced sleep, to very little sleep, to last night 5am coming and going, and not being able to sleep.

Add this to seizures, and life is…interesting!

Today I had my most intense aura for seizures ever, followed almost instantly by seizures, big ones. I was irritable, then exhausted, then felt ill. I was okay a few hours later, now here I am feeling intensely fucking manic, which I’m 99.9% is a side effect of seizures and not actual mania….because it came out of nowhere and followed significant seizures.

Very confusing XD

AAAGH SO MUCH ENERGY WHAT DO I DO *proceeds to bounce off walls*

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manic

I. CAN’T. SIT. STILL.

This has come out the blue I ahven’t been manic in so damn long and yep the last few months have been really stressful and this week has been really really stressful, but really, I haven’t been manic 8in so long so what the hell?!

This week one of our dogs was killed which was awful obviously. Yesterday I took my assistanc dog in training to a puppy obedience class, our first time, went with my partner of course…first time I’ve been actually outr in public in nmonths and months, and I guess that combined with grievbeing = manic me.

My partner’s podcasting and there has never been anything as hard as trying to hold rthis energy in

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Depression, replaced with what?

That awful, all-encompassing depression has gone.

I don’t know what it’s left me with. I can’t tell if I’m manic until I’m really manic, flying high, and my partner’s kinda the same. If I’m hypomanic right now, it’s weak, I can’t tell 😛

I’m hella irritable, I have a decent amount of energy and motivation, and when I’m not flying off the walls in a rage things are going okay. Psychosis still a major issue, but it always is and I don’t count that as an indicator of mood.

I’ve got more things done with my pets today than I did in five days of depression. It’s crazy quite how much your energy levels and capabilities change with your moods. That’s something I wish more people understood.

I wish I could swallow or erase the irritability. It’s SO HARD (read:impossible) to contain it, and it ruins everything around me. I feel so damn sorry for my partner >__<

I get scared whenever I feel like this, I feel like I’m totally ruining our relationship and he’ll stop loving me.

You could argue this is ridiculous, he understands it’s an illness, he’s stuck by me through harder times yadda yadda yadda…that’s true, but it doesn’t mean my symptoms don’t wear him down over time. A bit of irritability might not seem a big deal, but it shows itself as hatred and lashing out verbally, and that’s awful.

On top of that he never gets any respite. I never have okay days, so he never gets any relief. I hate myself for what I put him through.

It’s tough, but we adore each other…that has to count for something.

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Living the dream!

For the past five years I’ve had short hair. No matter how hard I tried to grow it long, I couldn’t, because when I was manic I’d shear it all off.

My partner could watch me 24/7 to try and prevent it (and I’d ask him to when I wasn’t manic because I really wanted long hair!) but manic me would always find a way to chop it off – when he was in the shower, sleeping or even on the loo!

I want to grow my hair so desperately because I love wearing it in different styles, brushing it and tying it up. I love dying it bright colours and wearing plain clothes so it seems even brighter.

It was annoying having me ruin my plans over and over again!

In more recent times I shaved all my hair off due to psychosis, as short and close-to-bald as you can get. And I haven’t been able to grow it back…too much mania, too much psychosis. So I was stuck with really, really short hair!

I don’t know what made me think it, but I recently thought I could try wigs.

I don’t mind having short hair at all, I quite like it, but I hate going out in public with my head uncovered because you get a lot of stares, shouts of ‘are you a girl or a boy’ etc.

Now I know I don’t hardly ever post photos of mysel, but I ordered two wigs recently, both very brightly coloured, and one arrived today. I LOVE it! 🙂

I feel much more confident and comfortable in my own skin now ^__^

It was a really cheap fancy dress wig, because I wanted to see if I would be comfortable wearing a wig, and if there was even any point trying to wear a wig. Because it’s so cheap you do have to wear a headband or hat with it if the hair is tied back (otherwise the netting shows through the hair) but I have no problem with that…I really love it 🙂

colour

I hate this photo but you can see all the colours 🙂

So not only can I actually have hair, but I can take it off when my psychosis is causing issues and wear lots of different hair styles, lengths and colours!

colour3

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Just let me know what you’re doing, brain…

One of the things I’m struggling with SO DAMN MUCH at the moment is the unpredictability.

When I had severe bipolar I thought it was the worst thing ever.

Months and months of suicidal depression followed by weeks of psychotic manias, on repeat, over and over. I really thought it was the worst.

But I’m struggling even more now that my mood swings aren’t predictable and don’t follow a pattern. Alongside the constant psychosis (which is really, truly awful. Like living in a horror game) I now have extreme mood episodes that last just days.

It’s exhausting and confusing and upsetting.

It makes planning days impossible – what we might have wanted to be a nice relaxed indoor-day can’t be because I’m bouncing off the walls and if we don’t go out I’ll do something ridiculous.

Day visits with my parents have to be cancelled because my psychosis has reduced me to tears. Plans for enjoyable walks with my beloved partner and dog in the countryside abandoned because I’m so depressed all I can think about is suicide and I can’t leave the house.

I’m talking a day or two so manic I don’t sleep. Maybe a week where all I suffer is psychosis, constant, LOUD psychosis. Then depression where I can’t imagine, and don’t want to, living like this anymore. Then psychosis. Then depression or mania or more psychosis.

Yesterday and the day before I was manic. Can’t-sleep-spend-money manic. Today started okay. I felt a little off but I think I had a med-head or a psychosis overload. Late this evening I noticed myself getting panicky and sad and anxious.

The feeling got worse and more extreme. I had a panic attach. I freaked out.

There’s this tight feeling of overwhelming dread inside me. I’m struggling to breathe normally and behave normally and look normal on the outside. I can’t talk about this with my partner and I don’t 100% understand why.

I’m scared and trapped and oh so sad and numb and blank. I feel so completely overwhelmingly depressed and hopeless.

I could tell myself to just wait until tomorrow, because how I feel is changing almost daily now, but everything I switch between is horrible.

Mania – frustration, a frantic need to move and talk and beand zero need for sleep.
Depression – hopelessness, numbness, despair.
And psychosis – voices, scary thoughts, scary people, visual hallucinations that are all real, so so real.

This is all I get. This is me, this is my life.

Please don’t anybody advise me to go see a professional, or that things will get better. I know you mean well, but neither would be very helpful or appropriate right now. Thanks for your understanding friends.

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I’m a mess…oh wait, I feel okay

This mish mash of symptoms is driving me crazy. Literally I guess.

I’m dealing with so many bloody fluctuations a day I can’t cope. What one hour might seem like a good day the next seems like the utter worst.

This isn’t down to Bipolar symptoms entirely, as my Bipolar mood swings tend to last weeks or months. It’s a combination of Bipolar mood swings, psychosis, anxiety, sleep and medication side-effects.

At the moment I think my Bipolar mood is tilting towards hypomania, which means I’m antsy, bored and wanting to spend more. It also adds towards my irritability.

My psychosis leaves me on edge, but at its’ worst it can make me entirely zone out and become unresponsive or leave me too panicked and terrified to talk. I also struggle to concentrate and can get antsy because my brain’s fried and trying to do too much at once.

Anxiety obviously always makes things ten times harder, but thankfully this hasn’t been *too* much of an issue recently.

Lack of sleep leaves me in a variety of states, ranging from utterly exhausted and unable to do anything, to pissed off and hating the world, or manic. The worst thing is, because I’m so bad at sleeping, catching up on sleep takes a long time and napping is impossible.

And then we have medication side-effects. A weird out-of-touch woozy head (dissociation), often tinted with a far away rage and inability to calm myself.

Ah, joy.

All this spinning around madly inside me, fluctuating by the hour. It must be so nice to be able to react normally to things and know who you are as a person…

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Why am I suddenly nocturnal??

My sleep had been regular for weeks and weeks.

It’s a rarity for my sleep to be *so* predictable, I can only remember one other time it followed such a regular pattern in the past few years. For probably around 2 months now I’ve been going to bed between 10-11pm and, although the amount of sleep I’ve needed has varied, bedtime has stayed the same.

That’s pretty phenomenal, and most nights I was even averaging 7-8.5 hours sleep a night, regardless of mood.

Then, all of a sudden and within the past three days, I’ve become nocturnal again. This seems to happen very occasionally (only a few times a year) – it just happens, out the blue.

Last time it happened we were entirely nocturnal, and it lasted for months…bed at 7am, up at 5pm! My sleep was impossible to rectify, and we really did try – then all of a sudden, one night, it just changed back.

We can never pinpoint a trigger (after all, life is always incredibly stressful) and it’s not mood dependent…that is, I don’t just go nocturnal because I’ve gone manic or depressed. It just happens.

It started slowly one night a few nights ago; I wasn’t tired at our usual bedtime, and it was midnight when we went through. I didn’t really think anything of it, it was only an hour or so different.

Then the next few nights, I was going to bed at 2am at the earliest. From nowhere. If I try go to bed earlier, at my usual time, I’m awake for hours and end up incredibly frustrated.

I feel awful when my sleep pattern changes so drastically. It can’t be easy for my partner to adjust alongside…

The past week I’ve been wearing a blindfold in bed, in case I’m really sensitive to light. I think it’s helped a little, especially when I wake up partway through the night or in the early morning. When I first go to bed, instead of it taking me hours to fall asleep, one night I fell asleep in as little as 20 minutes. Last night it still took over an hour though :/

I’ve had to fight for sleep for years now, even if I’m exhausted I have to fight for sleep. It really, really pisses me off. I used to love my sleep 😦

I longingly remember the days when I’d fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow…